[Aliantha]

This is really just a bit of a rant I guess.

Since having Max a couple of months ago, I've started to be more aware of my own mortality. I've always known that I'm getting older, but having had Aden and Mav when I was much younger, it just never really occured to me like it does now. By the time Max is 21, I'll be 57. That's how old my Mum was when she died. Thoughts like, what if I get cancer and die young too, or what if I get hit by a truck tomorrow? I feel like I don't take my life for granted anymore like I did before. I'm not exactly afraid of dying. I'm worried about the people I'll leave behind when I do.

I don't know if these types of thoughts are normal. I guess they must be more or less, because the life insurance industry does pretty well from these types of morbid thoughts. It's just scary thinking about not being around anymore; particularly when I don't really have a strong faith at all and no clear idea about what will happen to me after I die (besides becoming worm food of course). It's funny that it's never really bothered me before, but I think it's got a lot to do with my birthday coming up and noticing more lines on my face and that my skin just doesn't seem young anymore. It's not a vanity thing. It's an old thing. It's not about my appearance, it's about what my appearance means if that makes any sense.

Has anyone else gone through this process? If so, did you end up not having these types of thoughts anymore, or are you obsessing about them like I am?

Please tell me it will pass.