The Cellar - View Single Post

Iggy · 07-08-2006, 10:29 AM

Back to the original question... (warning: very long post ahead)

I think lying is where the cheating starts. I guess I don't really consider it cheating unless there is action as well, but if you lie about what you are doing (even as small as saying that you don't flirt with a certain girl when you do) that is where the trust is broken. Without trust the relationship will almost never work out, so why wait for the lies to escalate into actions? Because in my experience, if someone is lying it will escalate into actions even if it started out innocently enough.

I think if you have an agreement on what is ok and what isn't, and you break that agreement, that is cheating. Me and my SO have been involved with others in our relationship, but we discussed it beforehand. There was no going behind the other person's back to do things. And if either of us has a potential person and the other doesn't want to do anything with him/her, then nothing happens. The only time anything is allowed between one of us and another person is when both parties agree to it before it happens.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that if your partner thinks cyber-sex (or anything else for that matter) is cheating then by doing it you are cheating on them (and vise versa). But if your partner is ok with what you are doing then it isn’t cheating. It all depends on the relationship and the agreement you have with each other.

On a side note, I know a man who just recently got divorced from his wife. Both of them had relationships with another person online. I think because they both lied about their intent with said person, they were cheating on each other. Since they are divorced now, the man will now be open with his relationship with the other person. We have also discovered that she (the other woman) came here when the couple was still married and they were physically involved with each other. I also consider that cheating, of an even greater degree than the lies about the intent (and involvement) with the other person.

The other woman is still married to her husband. They have children together at their home in Texas (the now divorced couple live in Kansas). The other woman (we will call her D to make things simpler) plans on divorcing her husband when their children are graduated from college (they are 8 to15 years of age from what I understand). She says there is no longer love in her marriage and her husband ignores her more often than not. They are just indifferent to each other. So rather than “uproot” the children’s lives, she is staying in a loveless marriage and is cheating on her husband with the now divorced man from Kansas (we will call him J). I think this is wrong. I am sure the children know that their parents are not happy with each other and so I really don’t see why she has to lie, they will know anyway.

I should mention that my parents divorced when I was 15. I knew they weren’t happy with each other and after the divorce they got along much better, so sometimes I wondered why they didn’t do it sooner. So I am of the mind that “staying together for the kids” isn’t a good idea. They kids most likely know that their parents aren’t happy, and by separating from each other the parents might be more able to handle each other without fighting. But I do understand that this won’t work for every couple. For some, staying together might be better. But I think that getting a divorce is usually better in the long run.

I also think that if D is going to stay in a loveless marriage she needs to act like she is married. If her decision is to stay with him for another 10 years, she shouldn’t be cheating on him now. If she wants to be with another man she needs to divorce her husband. What she is doing is justifying her cheating by saying that she is trying to “protect” the children. I don’t believe that, and I think it is still wrong that she is doing what she is doing.

Just my opinion on the matter.

07-08-2006, 10:29 AM	#24
Iggy Back and ready to tart up the place Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Kansas Posts: 850	Back to the original question... (warning: very long post ahead) I think lying is where the cheating starts. I guess I don't really consider it cheating unless there is action as well, but if you lie about what you are doing (even as small as saying that you don't flirt with a certain girl when you do) that is where the trust is broken. Without trust the relationship will almost never work out, so why wait for the lies to escalate into actions? Because in my experience, if someone is lying it will escalate into actions even if it started out innocently enough. I think if you have an agreement on what is ok and what isn't, and you break that agreement, that is cheating. Me and my SO have been involved with others in our relationship, but we discussed it beforehand. There was no going behind the other person's back to do things. And if either of us has a potential person and the other doesn't want to do anything with him/her, then nothing happens. The only time anything is allowed between one of us and another person is when both parties agree to it before it happens. I guess the point I am trying to make is that if your partner thinks cyber-sex (or anything else for that matter) is cheating then by doing it you are cheating on them (and vise versa). But if your partner is ok with what you are doing then it isn’t cheating. It all depends on the relationship and the agreement you have with each other. On a side note, I know a man who just recently got divorced from his wife. Both of them had relationships with another person online. I think because they both lied about their intent with said person, they were cheating on each other. Since they are divorced now, the man will now be open with his relationship with the other person. We have also discovered that she (the other woman) came here when the couple was still married and they were physically involved with each other. I also consider that cheating, of an even greater degree than the lies about the intent (and involvement) with the other person. The other woman is still married to her husband. They have children together at their home in Texas (the now divorced couple live in Kansas). The other woman (we will call her D to make things simpler) plans on divorcing her husband when their children are graduated from college (they are 8 to15 years of age from what I understand). She says there is no longer love in her marriage and her husband ignores her more often than not. They are just indifferent to each other. So rather than “uproot” the children’s lives, she is staying in a loveless marriage and is cheating on her husband with the now divorced man from Kansas (we will call him J). I think this is wrong. I am sure the children know that their parents are not happy with each other and so I really don’t see why she has to lie, they will know anyway. I should mention that my parents divorced when I was 15. I knew they weren’t happy with each other and after the divorce they got along much better, so sometimes I wondered why they didn’t do it sooner. So I am of the mind that “staying together for the kids” isn’t a good idea. They kids most likely know that their parents aren’t happy, and by separating from each other the parents might be more able to handle each other without fighting. But I do understand that this won’t work for every couple. For some, staying together might be better. But I think that getting a divorce is usually better in the long run. I also think that if D is going to stay in a loveless marriage she needs to act like she is married. If her decision is to stay with him for another 10 years, she shouldn’t be cheating on him now. If she wants to be with another man she needs to divorce her husband. What she is doing is justifying her cheating by saying that she is trying to “protect” the children. I don’t believe that, and I think it is still wrong that she is doing what she is doing. Just my opinion on the matter.