Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 22

Bullitt · 09-29-2004, 06:30 PM

I can't believe no one has put this one yet!
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from KFC!

Ooh here's a painful one.

A little boy is driving throught he country with his dad and he sees a single cow out in the pasture. He asks his dad why that cow is all alone. His father replies, "Why thats because he outstanding in his field!"

(Little kid was me way back when and dad was you guessed it, my dad who is the God of all puns. It kills me.

Happy Monkey · 09-29-2004, 06:49 PM

Why is it that so much conservative humor involves killing people?

lookout123 · 09-29-2004, 06:56 PM

there are very few new jokes out there, we've all heard these with the parties and names switched so don't worry too much HM.

but, another answer might be that we're evil and find human pain, suffering, and death extremely entertaining.

Happy Monkey · 09-29-2004, 07:53 PM

I was mainly thinking of this site, which is where I see most of my political jokes (as opposed to cartoons).

Cyber Wolf · 09-29-2004, 11:47 PM

Quote:

... we're evil and find human pain, suffering, and death extremely entertaining.

There's your answer, HM!

Man, we really need a devil emoticon or somesuch.

lookout123 · 09-30-2004, 12:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Happy Monkey

I was mainly thinking of this site, which is where I see most of my political jokes (as opposed to cartoons).

i know, i should have put a smily in there, i didn't mean that to come across in a mean spirited way.

lookout123 · 10-01-2004, 02:18 PM

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to the place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful women. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
----

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother. "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
-----

A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?"

The man replied, "Yes — but we can't prove it yet."
------

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

wolf · 10-01-2004, 10:12 PM

How do you tell the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

The skidmarks are in front of the snake.

*****

Why don't sharks eat lawyers?

Professional Courtesy.

*****

What do you call a busful of dead lawyers on the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

*****
(when I was a secretary there was one Public Defender that used to call a couple times a week and I'd hit him with a new lawyer joke every time.)

Elspode · 10-02-2004, 01:17 PM

One of my major employment faux pas occurred when my boss' future son-in-law was introduced to me when he dropped by the office one day. I asked him what he did for a living, and he told me he was a student of criminal justice. I then told him the "skid marks in front of" joke (my variation was a skunk in the road). He looked at me, and said, with total disdain, "I'm going to become a lawyer."

My response? "That's okay...I'll tell it again real slowly."

lookout123 · 10-04-2004, 01:25 PM

To me - a chicken farmer cutting his penis off then watching his dog eat it is pretty funny.

so here you go.

glatt · 10-04-2004, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

To me - a chicken farmer cutting his penis off then watching his dog eat it is pretty funny.

so here you go.

Too weird. But you're right. It is funny.

I personally don't by it. He was obviously doing it on purpose, and then tried to think of a cover story afterwards.

If it's true, this is similar to the guy who recently tried to kill his puppy, but the puppy shot him instead. A lot of animal "payback is a bitch" stories lately.

lookout123 · 10-04-2004, 01:59 PM

obviously there is no need for PETA type organizations. the animals are going to rise up and reclaim their rightful position as rulers of the world.

Trilby · 10-04-2004, 02:13 PM

I have to agree with Glatt. The guy did it on purpose and that's his cover story. You get a lot of this working in the ED. However, the usual story involves a man or woman with something very odd wedged in an equally odd body orafice and goes along the lines of, "OH! I must have accidentally sat on it!

Trilby · 10-04-2004, 02:16 PM

His penis was the "noisy chicken" keeping him up at night!

lookout123 · 10-04-2004, 02:18 PM

i think it is important to be aware - if you have a noisy chicken keeping you up all night - just choke it. never cut it.

09-29-2004, 06:30 PM	#316
Bullitt This is a fully functional babe lair Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Akron, OH Posts: 2,324	I can't believe no one has put this one yet! Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from KFC! Ooh here's a painful one. A little boy is driving throught he country with his dad and he sees a single cow out in the pasture. He asks his dad why that cow is all alone. His father replies, "Why thats because he outstanding in his field!" (Little kid was me way back when and dad was you guessed it, my dad who is the God of all puns. It kills me. __________________ Kiss my white Irish ass.

09-29-2004, 06:49 PM	#317
Happy Monkey I think this line's mostly filler. Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: DC Posts: 13,575	Why is it that so much conservative humor involves killing people? __________________ _________________ \|...............\| We live in the nick of times. \| Len 17, Wid 3 \| \|_______________\| [pics]

09-29-2004, 06:56 PM	#318
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	there are very few new jokes out there, we've all heard these with the parties and names switched so don't worry too much HM. but, another answer might be that we're evil and find human pain, suffering, and death extremely entertaining. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

09-29-2004, 07:53 PM	#319
Happy Monkey I think this line's mostly filler. Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: DC Posts: 13,575	I was mainly thinking of this site, which is where I see most of my political jokes (as opposed to cartoons). __________________ _________________ \|...............\| We live in the nick of times. \| Len 17, Wid 3 \| \|_______________\| [pics]

10-01-2004, 02:18 PM	#322
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	mmmm. lawyers A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to the place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful women. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?" ---- A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear," replied the mother. "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'" ----- A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?" The man replied, "Yes — but we can't prove it yet." ------ You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

10-01-2004, 10:12 PM	#323
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	How do you tell the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? The skidmarks are in front of the snake. *** Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional Courtesy. * What do you call a busful of dead lawyers on the bottom of the ocean? A good start. *** (when I was a secretary there was one Public Defender that used to call a couple times a week and I'd hit him with a new lawyer joke every time.) __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

10-02-2004, 01:17 PM	#324
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	One of my major employment faux pas occurred when my boss' future son-in-law was introduced to me when he dropped by the office one day. I asked him what he did for a living, and he told me he was a student of criminal justice. I then told him the "skid marks in front of" joke (my variation was a skunk in the road). He looked at me, and said, with total disdain, "I'm going to become a lawyer." My response? "That's okay...I'll tell it again real slowly." __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

10-04-2004, 01:25 PM	#325
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	To me - a chicken farmer cutting his penis off then watching his dog eat it is pretty funny. so here you go. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

10-04-2004, 01:59 PM	#327
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	obviously there is no need for PETA type organizations. the animals are going to rise up and reclaim their rightful position as rulers of the world. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

10-04-2004, 02:13 PM	#328
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	I have to agree with Glatt. The guy did it on purpose and that's his cover story. You get a lot of this working in the ED. However, the usual story involves a man or woman with something very odd wedged in an equally odd body orafice and goes along the lines of, "OH! I must have accidentally sat on it! __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

10-04-2004, 02:16 PM	#329
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	His penis was the "noisy chicken" keeping him up at night! __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

10-04-2004, 02:18 PM	#330
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	i think it is important to be aware - if you have a noisy chicken keeping you up all night - just choke it. never cut it. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

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