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Old 05-08-2018, 04:43 PM   #1
xoxoxoBruce
The future is unwritten
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 62,617
Smart Mouth Smarties

No matter how much you push the envelope, itll still be stationery.
If you dont pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
Im reading a book about anti-gravity. I just cant put it down.
I didnt like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldnt control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I changed my iPods name to Titanic. Its syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but Id swear Ive never met herbivore.
I know a guy whos addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? Hes all right now.
A bicycle cant stand alone; its just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought shed dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. Thats the point of it.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
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Old 05-09-2018, 10:11 AM   #2
Glinda
Fucktard Resistance League
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: 1.14 acres of heaven
Posts: 1,036
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Old 05-09-2018, 11:42 AM   #3
Squawk
God's Comic
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 55
Two of my friends were arrested last night. One had swallowed a firework, the other one a battery. They charged one and let the other one off.

How do you know if someone is a vegan? Don't worry, they'll tell you.

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.

I just got back from a once in a lifetime holiday. I tell you what, never again.
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Notes From The Underground, Fyodor Dostoevsky
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