Humor...I Need Humor...

[BrianR]

The River

One day, Three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging,
violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how
to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to
cross this river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across
the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man Prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the
strength..and the tools to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in
about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools... and
the intelligence... to cross this river."

And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream
a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.


*************

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.

**************

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat farther and farther, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until
he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little fur ball on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

[Cyber Wolf]

The Visitor

"As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you.


Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...


You fucking mosquito."

[Catwoman]

Brilliant! Sent it to all my friends.

[jdbutler]

IT TAKES A TEXAN TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A WOMAN
On a recent flight from Chicago to Houston, a plane passes through a
severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse
when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane. I'm too young to
die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can
make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the
plane. Then a Texan stands up at the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous:
tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, toward the young woman, unbuttoning his shirt......... one button at time. No one moves....... he removes his shirt...... muscles ripple
across his chest.............. She gasps............ He whispers:
"Iron this, then get me something to eat.........."

[zippyt]

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

He also was quite a spiritual person.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he had bad breath...

He came to be known as a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

[lookout123]

even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. LOL! that is hilarious. :thumpsup:

[jdbutler]

Now [u]here's a happy monkey!
http://www.ircuser.org/files/monkey.swf

[Happy Monkey]

I love me an IBC. I prefer the cream soda, though.

[jinx]

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient
government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in
here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and
father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers,
"That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick
Cheney.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on
that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but no one can
give him an answer.

Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's
shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and
father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I
did some
research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,
"No, you dumbass! It's Tony Blair!"

[xoxoxoBruce]

I haven't seen this for years.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse
fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a
ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by
properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining
the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and
harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ
depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be
replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced
using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden
discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be
used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer
missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing
these necessary items.

To re-order, specify one of the following:

P/N 33f8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33f8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls

[lookout123]

hehehehehe he said "mouse balls"

[Crimson Ghost]

Apparently, some of the minimum-security prisons are not as secure as we hoped.

"Escaped Convict On The Loose"
Franko Bulsara, a convicted felon arrested on several extortion and fraud charges, escaped from a chain gang yesterday, while on a cleanup detail for the county. Bulsara is 3 foot 2 inch tall, with several tattoos, referred to as 'tribal design', on his arms and chest, bald with a 'goatee' beard.
He usually promotes himself as a fortune teller.
Residents and police are warned to be on the lookout for a "small medium at large".

[Cyber Wolf]

Two antennas got married recently.
The ceremony sucked, but the reception was great.

[zippyt]

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile
hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his
pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired
voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping
Becky, everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend,
and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky,
"let the poison work."

[lookout123]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"