The Cellar  

Go Back   The Cellar > Main > Home Base

Home Base A starting point, and place for threads don't seem to belong anywhere else

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-27-2006, 05:05 PM   #796
dar512
dar512 is now Pete Zicato
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Chicago suburb
Posts: 4,968
Speaking of the drug thread

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't
serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a
beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats
the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate "
__________________
"Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain."
-- Friedrich Schiller
dar512 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2006, 09:54 AM   #797
Elspode
When Do I Get Virtual Unreality?
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Raytown, Missouri
Posts: 12,716
How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light
bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to
be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret
stockpile of light bulbs;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new
light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a
step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in
detail how Bush was literally in the dark;

8. One to viciously smear #7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had
a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between
screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
__________________
"To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog
Elspode is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2006, 10:13 AM   #798
Spexxvet
Makes some feel uncomfortable
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 10,305
then It's just a little too true
__________________
"I'm certainly free, nay compelled, to spread the gospel of Spex. " - xoxoxoBruce
Spexxvet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2006, 10:35 AM   #799
Happy Monkey
I think this line's mostly filler.
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: DC
Posts: 12,923
I think you may need more. That bulb never actually got changed.
__________________
_________________
|...............| We live in the nick of times.
| Len 17, Wid 3 |
|_______________| [pics]
Happy Monkey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-29-2006, 10:43 AM   #800
xoxoxoBruce
The future is unwritten
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 63,810
No HM, the bulb not getting changed would be consistent.
__________________
Everything is interesting... look closer.
xoxoxoBruce is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-29-2006, 12:54 PM   #801
Iggy
Back and ready to tart up the place
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Kansas
Posts: 850
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:1 2 3 4


5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
__________________
Chock-full of naughty goodness.
Iggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-29-2006, 05:52 PM   #802
Kagen4o4
Professor
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Melbourne, Aus
Posts: 1,787
i like
__________________
something we both can enjoy??
Kagen4o4 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-29-2006, 07:13 PM   #803
ferret88
(This space left intentionally UN-blank.)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Albuquerque
Posts: 604
Quote:
Originally Posted by Iggy


So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

It is sad just how true that is.
ferret88 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2006, 09:28 AM   #804
Iggy
Back and ready to tart up the place
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Kansas
Posts: 850
It is sad how true it is, but amusing how it actually works out using the "a=1 b=2" system.

And now for something completely different...

Misdiagnosis

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong. So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?" The old man said: "I thought it was GAS...........but I was wrong."
__________________
Chock-full of naughty goodness.
Iggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2006, 03:51 PM   #805
Iggy
Back and ready to tart up the place
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Kansas
Posts: 850
Apparantly I am the only one who loves to post funny things...

Either that, or they aren't as funny as I had first thought. He is another one anyway. I hope you enjoy it...



A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better ones."


1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)


2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves to chargers. (Christopher age 7)


3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)


4 If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)


5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)


6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)


7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)


8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans (William age 7)


9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)


10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
__________________
Chock-full of naughty goodness.
Iggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2006, 03:55 PM   #806
thrillhouse
spoonful of bologna
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: salvation holdout central
Posts: 333
^ ^ thanks, iggy. i could use a smile today.
__________________
i'm drinking stars
thrillhouse is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2006, 04:01 PM   #807
Iggy
Back and ready to tart up the place
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Kansas
Posts: 850
My pleasure.
__________________
Chock-full of naughty goodness.
Iggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2006, 04:25 PM   #808
Elspode
When Do I Get Virtual Unreality?
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Raytown, Missouri
Posts: 12,716
Kevin, age 6, has a great future as a writer. He has a gift for communicating a great deal of important information in a descriptive, yet brief, manner.
__________________
"To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog
Elspode is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2006, 04:27 PM   #809
Happy Monkey
I think this line's mostly filler.
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: DC
Posts: 12,923
Helen's pretty precocious...
__________________
_________________
|...............| We live in the nick of times.
| Len 17, Wid 3 |
|_______________| [pics]
Happy Monkey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-30-2006, 07:57 PM   #810
xoxoxoBruce
The future is unwritten
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 63,810
Quote:
Originally Posted by Iggy
Apparantly I am the only one who loves to post funny things...
But you were wrong.

A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her!" the young man exclaimed.

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down, I'm not mad anymore."
__________________
Everything is interesting... look closer.
xoxoxoBruce is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
humor


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 12:25 PM.


Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.