Humor...I Need Humor...

[TheMercenary]

How dare you insult me, I am the leader of the worlds largest exporter of Nuclear bombs!

http://www.nk-news.net/extras/insult_generator.php

[noviceathome]

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Get fucked.

[TheMercenary]

(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) a sore ass


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around


(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass

[xoxoxoBruce]

A professional genealogical researcher discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged in Montana in 1889 for horse stealing and train robbery. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1883, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

The researcher e-mailed Hillary Clinton @ NY.Gov for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters cropped Remus' picture, scanned it, enlarged the image, and edited it with image processing software, so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch read as follows:

"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

[TheMercenary]

Italian archbishop closes convent after nuns come to blows

A convent in southern Italy is being shut down after a quarrel among its last three remaining nuns ended in blows, press reports said Sunday.
Sisters Annamaria and Gianbattista, reportedly upset about their mother superior's authoritarian ways, scratched her in the face and threw her to the ground at Santa Clara convent near Bari in an incident in July that was kept quiet until now.

Archbishop Giovanni Battista Pichierri tried to reconcile the nuns but finally decided in late August that they had "clearly lost their religious vocation" and asked the Vatican for permission to close the convent.

Sisters Annamaria and Gianbattista moved to another convent, but Sister Liliana barricaded herself inside, refusing to leave, the reports said, adding that she suspected Battista Pichierri of planning to cede the convent to another community.

Liliana has been at the convent since its founding in 1963.

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php...show_article=1

[jester]

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.
"What the ? " he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.


"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"



She shot back: "It's not talcum powder.
It's 'Miracle Grow.'"

[LabRat]

Here's the version I got from hubby:

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
> 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
> would take a few inches off of your butt!!' His wife was not amused,
> and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
>
> The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
> drawer.


> 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
> appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the
> bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
>
> She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder......it's' Miracle
> Grow'.

[jester]

that one's better

[Cyclefrance]

A man goes to his golf club and, hearing that his regular caddy will not be in that day, hires another caddy. The day goes along pretty well and the new caddy seems quite knowledgeable. Upon arriving at the 9th fairway, that has always been particularly tricky for the golfer, the man turns to the boy and asks, "Which club do you think I should use for this shot?"

The caddy says, "Sir, I know this golf course very well. The best club for this fairway is the five iron."

The golfer gets out his five iron, lines up his shot, and hits the ball. He smacks it really hard and it veers way off to the right where his wife happens to be standing. It hits her in the head and she is killed instantly.

Months go by after his wife's funeral, and the man still can't think about golf. But after a year, he thinks, "I really loved the game. I shouldn't let it go out of my life. It was a freak accident. The game gave me such joy, I should at least try to play once more and see how it feels."

He goes back to the golf course, and as luck would have it, he gets the same caddy as last time. When they get to the 9th fairway, he turns to his caddy and says, "Which club do you think I should use?"

The caddy says, "Sir, I know this golf course very well. The best club for this fairway is the five iron."

The man turns to the caddy and shouts, "You idiot! I played here a year ago and you told me to use the five iron and I completely missed the green."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

An older man approaches a younger woman inside the mall. "Excuse me," he said. "I've can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Sure, sir, do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she usually appears out of nowhere."

[Mockingbird]

This one is old, but I like it.

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

"The word is celebrate not celibate," says the old monk with tears in his eyes.

[Mockingbird]

Also, it isn't a joke, per se, but I made this thing and everytime I look at it it makes me giggle.



Titled; "My cat would like to tell me about the Burger King."

[BrianR]

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill
didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had
a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so,
Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got
together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was
unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but
one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,
"For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"


Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"


"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"


"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"


"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old,
I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty. The judge
gave me 30 days for perjury."

[ZenGum]

Lame Joke:

Did you hear about the cowboy with the wooden leg?
When the Indians caught him they staked him out on a termites nest.

Well I said it was lame, didn't I?

[Urbane Guerrilla]

What do the police call a dead Frenchman they've pulled out of a lake?


Jean d'Eau.

[ZenGum]

What do you call a Frenchman who wears beach sandals ("thongs" to Australians)?

Philippe Faloppe