Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 362

xoxoxoBruce · 12-24-2015, 05:18 PM

Star Wars

busterb · 12-31-2015, 05:10 PM

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat a lot of rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help.

He said,"Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

The sales lady said, "My goodness... five loaves? By the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard."

The 80-year old man replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about thi=$$@#$ but me."

Carruthers · 01-03-2016, 12:47 PM

xoxoxoBruce · 01-14-2016, 11:52 AM

Humanities Final Exam...

DanaC · 01-14-2016, 12:41 PM

Excellent.

Gravdigr · 01-20-2016, 01:58 PM

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xoxoxoBruce · 02-03-2016, 05:41 PM

Oldie with updates...

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Chris t as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Gravdigr · 02-04-2016, 03:32 PM

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WTF, is that a ferret?

Happy Monkey · 02-04-2016, 05:23 PM

It ought to be an otter.

Gravdigr · 02-14-2016, 05:05 PM

I don't get it...

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fargon · 02-14-2016, 09:20 PM

It is prolly because it's the only way he'll get one.

Gravdigr · 02-19-2016, 01:15 PM

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Happy Monkey · 02-27-2016, 10:18 AM

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

Gravdigr · 02-27-2016, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

I don't get it...

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Originally Posted by fargon

It is prolly because it's the only way he'll get one.

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xoxoxoBruce · 02-28-2016, 11:01 PM

It says Rome, but it was in the newspaper from Sayre, PA, which is Slang's home turf.

12-24-2015, 05:18 PM	#5416
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Star Wars Attached Images __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-31-2015, 05:10 PM	#5417
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat a lot of rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help. He said,"Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves." The sales lady said, "My goodness... five loaves? By the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard." The 80-year old man replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about thi=$$@#$ but me." __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

01-03-2016, 12:47 PM	#5418
Carruthers Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Buckinghamshire UK Posts: 4,059	__________________

01-14-2016, 11:52 AM	#5419
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Humanities Final Exam... Attached Images __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-20-2016, 01:58 PM	#5421
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	__________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

02-03-2016, 05:41 PM	#5422
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Oldie with updates... A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Chris t as the late J.C.. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me." 12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'. 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

02-04-2016, 03:32 PM	#5423
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	************************************************ WTF, is that a ferret? __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

02-04-2016, 05:23 PM	#5424
Happy Monkey I think this line's mostly filler. Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: DC Posts: 13,575	It ought to be an otter. __________________ _________________ \|...............\| We live in the nick of times. \| Len 17, Wid 3 \| \|_______________\| [pics]

02-14-2016, 05:05 PM	#5425
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	A Little Help? I don't get it... __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

02-14-2016, 09:20 PM	#5426
fargon Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: La Crosse, WI Posts: 8,924	It is prolly because it's the only way he'll get one. __________________ Annoy the ones that ignore you!!! I live a blessed life I Love my Country, I Fear the Government!!! Heavily medicated for the good of mankind.

02-19-2016, 01:15 PM	#5427
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	__________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

02-27-2016, 10:18 AM	#5428
Happy Monkey I think this line's mostly filler. Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: DC Posts: 13,575	Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal __________________ _________________ \|...............\| We live in the nick of times. \| Len 17, Wid 3 \| \|_______________\| [pics]

02-28-2016, 11:01 PM	#5430
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	It says Rome, but it was in the newspaper from Sayre, PA, which is Slang's home turf. Attached Images __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

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