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Old 05-22-2013, 11:03 AM   #1
squirell nutkin
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Was it something I said?

posting under SN as the walls have ears, so to speak.

I've been on one of those online meeting people type sites named after an arrow wielding cherub. It has been very interesting but somewhat maddening. I don't know if people are just rude and self centered or if I am doing something weird or creepy.

A number of times I've made contact with someone or vice versa and we've seemed to hit it off, a number of emails back and forth, even a few "Let's get together" or "I'd like to meet you" from them, then all of a sudden radio silence.

Seems odd. I followed up with a hello? email and not even an "I changed my mind."

So the ball is in their court and there it lies. I move on, but it seems curious to me. I am no different on thee than I am here, except maybe a little more circumspect on there.

My buddy pointed out that a) The people who join these sites do so because they want to make a connection and they have not been able to do that IRL, otherwise why join? b) When a connection looms close, they panic and retreat in order to keep the non-connected status quo they are subconsciously creating.

Sounds as good as any reason to me. Maybe I'm fishing way out of my league. I don't have a good sense of where I am on the attractiveness scale, although I bet my best feature is my mind and or wit.

Who knows?
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Old 05-22-2013, 12:34 PM   #2
jimhelm
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Theres probably a sweet spot for how long you talk before meeting irl. The ones that go silent are probably talking to other guys too, and they just beat you to the close. Ill wager that at least half of them will resurface after they don't hit it off with whoever they went out with.
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Old 05-22-2013, 12:42 PM   #3
BigV
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Quote:
Originally Posted by squirell nutkin View Post
posting under SN as the walls have ears, so to speak.

I've been on one of those online meeting people type sites named after an arrow wielding cherub. It has been very interesting but somewhat maddening. I don't know if people are just rude and self centered or if I am doing something weird or creepy.

A number of times I've made contact with someone or vice versa and we've seemed to hit it off, a number of emails back and forth, even a few "Let's get together" or "I'd like to meet you" from them, then all of a sudden radio silence.

Seems odd. I followed up with a hello? email and not even an "I changed my mind."

So the ball is in their court and there it lies. I move on, but it seems curious to me. I am no different on thee than I am here, except maybe a little more circumspect on there.

My buddy pointed out that a) The people who join these sites do so because they want to make a connection and they have not been able to do that IRL, otherwise why join? b) When a connection looms close, they panic and retreat in order to keep the non-connected status quo they are subconsciously creating.

Sounds as good as any reason to me. Maybe I'm fishing way out of my league. I don't have a good sense of where I am on the attractiveness scale, although I bet my best feature is my mind and or wit.

Who knows?
Cherub fanboy here. Five stars. Srsly.

So. Having enough experience with that specific site, I will share my thoughts. I've seen and researched other such sites and OKC is by far the best one *for me*. The phenomenon you describe of having someone vanish when the prospect of "more" becomes more real is very common, very common. That fleeing happens at all stages of connection too, from ew, don't like that profile to some few chats then nothing to what you've described to radio silence even after a date or two. Not every fish bites, not every bite gets hooked, not every hooked fish is landed, etc, etc. It's normal, recalibrate accordingly.

The other side to this is that you can make up such "losses" with volume. There really are a lot of fish out there (and not p.l.e.n.t.y.of.f.i.s.h, that's another story). For me, the key to success on OKC was to answer a lot of the questions. A lot, really a lot. I don't think that you can even expect to get any qualified (and I use the term loosely) leads until you've answered 500 questions. Yes, five hundred.

Those questions are the core of what makes it work, really. They're very wide ranging, and each one individually is a low stakes exposure of "who you really are". OH! I should say here that answering the questions honestly is crucial. Just like in a relationship IRL, don't lie. Garbage in, garbage out, etc. If there's a question you don't like, or are uncomfortable answering, that's fine, skip it.

***

Hey, I gotta fly. I'll post more later. In the meantime, Twil reminded me "Some people are just practicing." Don't take it personally, it's them, not you. You don't even want to be with someone for even one date that can't bear to communicate with you, right? This is one of those problems that solves itself. There are hundreds of people out there that want to be with you, *you*, specifically. But there are millions of people out there who do not want to be with you. This is the sorting process. It's weird at the start, but it's normal and it's ok.
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Old 05-22-2013, 03:49 PM   #4
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The people who join these sites do so because they want to make a connection and they have not been able to do that IRL, otherwise why join?

This is a bullshit statement. I would not hang with that dude. This is 2013 and we have the Internet. It is a glorious tool for everything.

So are you picking them or are they picking you?
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Old 05-22-2013, 04:06 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Undertoad View Post
The people who join these sites do so because they want to make a connection and they have not been able to do that IRL, otherwise why join?

This is a bullshit statement. I would not hang with that dude. This is 2013 and we have the Internet. It is a glorious tool for everything.

So are you picking them or are they picking you?
Some of both, all have indicated wanting to meet up, we've had lengthy emails, but not too numerous. Start to finish maybe a week, maybe 4-5 emails.

who knows?
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Old 05-22-2013, 05:34 PM   #6
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I think jim's got the gist of it. I don't know how many lines of inquiry you are pursuing simultaneously, but I suspect for most people it is several. One starts to look a little promising, and they back off on the others for awhile until they see how it pans out.

I think also the rejection level is just going to feel higher overall, because in real life we are constantly evaluating and rejecting people without their really knowing it. You get a feel for who that coworker is just by observation, and figure out that they're not really your cup of tea before you ever have to email them about their hobbies and personality.
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Old 05-22-2013, 08:40 PM   #7
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Why so soon?
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Old 05-23-2013, 12:04 AM   #8
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Probably because his weiner is yelling, "Why did I wait this long?!"
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Old 05-23-2013, 10:17 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by squirell nutkin View Post
My buddy pointed out that a) The people who join these sites do so because they want to make a connection and they have not been able to do that IRL, otherwise why join? b) When a connection looms close, they panic and retreat in order to keep the non-connected status quo they are subconsciously creating.
A is like saying you only use the Internet for research after you've scoured every book in the brick and mortar library. UT is right -- it's a useful tool, and far more attractive to some than a chance "hubba hubba" at the bar. As for B, Clod and Jim have given good insight.

I joined AcceptableCherub as a 19 year old college freshman and ended up finding my husband there. It takes time, and some missed connections.
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Old 05-23-2013, 12:03 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Clodfobble View Post
Probably because his weiner is yelling, "Why did I wait this long?!"
I'll bet it's been over a year since he's been lain, and I wouldn't be surprised if he and his weiner are no longer on speaking terms.
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Old 05-24-2013, 08:13 AM   #11
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I joined AcceptableCherub as a 19 year old college freshman
What? There really are Eager Young Women Keen To Meet Me?
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Old 05-24-2013, 08:27 AM   #12
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What? There really are Eager Young Women Keen To Meet Me?
In your area, no less.
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Old 05-26-2013, 01:26 AM   #13
classicman
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I agree with Jim & Tony

I'm not familiar with that particular site, but a few years back I dabbled in the internet dating game...
It seemed to me that most people there were looking to get laid. If they expressed interest - offer to meet and get things moving.
Yeh, things move that fast now.
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Old 05-26-2013, 02:31 PM   #14
footfootfoot
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I have a lunch date w/ a very cute woman. 2 hours away. I see the benefit of living in the city.
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Old 05-26-2013, 06:38 PM   #15
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Maybe she will see the benefit of living rurally...?
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