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Old 05-24-2019, 11:04 PM   #31
lumberjim
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Nothing new to report. She's gone. I don't need to do anything. There's nothing I need help with.

Went to work today. Pretty hard to see the sympathy on people's faces. The inexplicable hand shakes. Hugs. Please don't hug me.
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Old 05-24-2019, 11:07 PM   #32
xoxoxoBruce
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Hugging provides pocket picking opportunities with men, and hugging ladies is reward enough in itself.
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Old 05-25-2019, 05:19 AM   #33
Griff
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I can’t imagine the loss. Approach this the way you need too not how others seem to expect.
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Old 05-25-2019, 10:06 AM   #34
lumberjim
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I can't either. It's like trying to comprehend how far away the sun is.

It all seems 1000 miles away. And then it rushes in and knocks me flat on my back.

Just can't think on it. But I feel like I should process it. To get a grip on it. Just not today. Not while I'm at work.
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Old 05-25-2019, 10:23 AM   #35
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You will process it, in time. But don't "should" yourself.
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Old 05-25-2019, 12:15 PM   #36
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Clod is right. There is no “should”. As you say, sometimes it’s a million miles away, as though it never happened. And sometimes it kicks you in the guts with literally physical force. Feel what you feel. Do what’s right for you. We’re all here for you, buddy. X


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Old 05-25-2019, 12:51 PM   #37
xoxoxoBruce
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My Mother said it took a year to sink in.
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Old 05-25-2019, 08:39 PM   #38
monster
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OMG, I'm so sorry, I've kind of been skimming recently and totally missed this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Clodfobble View Post
You will process it, in time. But don't "should" yourself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by limey View Post
Clod is right. There is no “should”. As you say, sometimes it’s a million miles away, as though it never happened. And sometimes it kicks you in the guts with literally physical force. Feel what you feel. Do what’s right for you. We’re all here for you, buddy. X
These things.

I did not go through this, I had 2.5 years' warning and it wasn't my child. I can't even and don't want to imagine. But I am bereaved. If I can help in any way at any point now or in the future, LMK.
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Old 05-26-2019, 12:07 PM   #39
BigV
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Good morning Jim

I am far away, but you are continuously on my mind. I hope hour by hour you're OK, doing what you need to do and getting the love and support you need. I'm with you man.
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Old 05-26-2019, 06:16 PM   #40
lumberjim
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I wish there was something I needed to do. Something to make those hours shorter. I've got the fukkitz bad. Wrecked the neck of the guitar I'm working on. I'll have to start over, but I just don't feel like it. Took 2 naps so far. Would have been a great day to ride, but fuck it. I don't feel safe as distracted as I am. I'm liable to zone out and get myself killed. So I'm smoking too much and not eating, so what. I want to help Shelby, but can't. Not that I could even if she'd talk to me. My son is with her and I talk to him.

They live in a bad place now, and I'm trying to get her to move away. To get out of the house where it happened. Her sister and family are with her, and I guess she's ok. Amanda is hurting too, and I feel bad for her because she feels so bad for me. It feeds back on itself.

Everyone is hurt, and everyone feels bad for me and I feel bad for them for it and the awkward things they say to me. The owner of the dealership came into my office and shook my fucking hand yesterday afternoon. Stood there a moment... And then asked me who found her.

Fuck, Alan. No.

I just shook my head and looked at my computer and said, I don't really want to talk about it. He just spun on his heel and left. He probably feels like shit. No one knows what to do or what to say. I sure as hell don't either.

It seems like this is going to take a long time to become real.
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Old 05-26-2019, 06:20 PM   #41
lumberjim
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There is some silver lining. Her student loans should be discharged. And for whatever reason, through 2025 that is not considered taxable income. 33k. Would have been salt in the wound.

And I've lost 20 lbs.
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Old 05-26-2019, 10:20 PM   #42
sexobon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lumberjim View Post
… No one knows what to do or what to say. I sure as hell don't either.

It seems like this is going to take a long time to become real.
I knew what to say: Graciously acknowledge your adversity.

I know what to do: Graciously celebrate elsewhere as this becomes real.

Sometimes all that's left for us to do is try to remain gracious in the face of adversity.

Easier said than done.
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Old 05-26-2019, 11:09 PM   #43
monster
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lumberjim View Post
They live in a bad place now, and I'm trying to get her to move away. To get out of the house where it happened.
IMO don't do this. It's too early and they need to make this decision for themselves. The house might also contain good memories for them.

Perhaps you can sort through the pics you have online and pick the best for an album/montage -I see you've already started and if it's too hard, stop, but it might help you as well as other friends and relatives who want to remember.

Maybe volunteer somewhere that needs physical labor -digging community gardens or cleaning up riverbed or....? Something that gets you out, doing something, that will help you sleep (better) and give you just enough to concentrate on that your mind doesn't wander where you don't want it to go. Also, they won't mind if it does and you fuck up

I don't know, I'm sorry, I can't imagine. I've thought about pretty much nothing else all day I'm here if you need. I can also be there if you need. I know we've never met, but you're my friend. Just let me know.
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Old 05-26-2019, 11:18 PM   #44
lumberjim
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sexobon View Post
I knew what to say: Graciously acknowledge your adversity.

I know what to do: Graciously celebrate elsewhere as this becomes real.

Sometimes all that's left for us to do is try to remain gracious in the face of adversity.

Easier said than done.
Your links don't load for me, but bully for you. Glad you have the requisite training to deal with the effect this had on your life.

I want as few people to be hurt by this as can be. It's what hurts me most right now. The sympathy.
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Old 05-26-2019, 11:29 PM   #45
lumberjim
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monster View Post
IMO don't do this. It's too early and they need to make this decision for themselves. The house might also contain good memories for them.



Perhaps you can sort through the pics you have online and pick the best for an album/montage -I see you've already started and if it's too hard, stop, but it might help you as well as other friends and relatives who want to remember.



Maybe volunteer somewhere that needs physical labor -digging community gardens or cleaning up riverbed or....? Something that gets you out, doing something, that will help you sleep (better) and give you just enough to concentrate on that your mind doesn't wander where you don't want it to go. Also, they won't mind if it does and you fuck up



I don't know, I'm sorry, I can't imagine. I've thought about pretty much nothing else all day I'm here if you need. I can also be there if you need. I know we've never met, but you're my friend. Just let me know.
There's more to it. She moved to Chester recently. Chester is not a nice place. She's on 11th st. That's not a nice part of that place.

She moved there because she could afford it, and they have a small yard for the dog. (Ripley 's dog).

Largely to be closer to Spencer who was attending Widener University. He dropped out 2 weeks after she signed a 2 year lease. Now he's just afloat and not working yet, deciding what to do next. Then this happened. She needs to get out of there as soon as she can. Ripley was only there for 3 weeks or so. She had been living on campus in Philly.

I'm not in direct communication with her, but can talk with her sister, Tara. I've offered to pay whatever it costs to break the lease and get into a safer home. I was only there twice. Once Saturday evening to pick Ripley up for our last visit, and again to drop her back off. I saw multiple cops interacting with skeevie looking people both times. It's like Compton.

Not safe.

As far as activities, I hear you. If I don't have something specific to occupy my mind, she rises up in my consciousness. And I lose my concentration very easily. That's how I ruined that neck. Twice. I just need time to go by. To have that first person who doesn't know yet ask me how the kids are... Fuck me. This is bad. I wouldn't recommend it.
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