The Cellar  

Go Back   The Cellar > Main > Home Base

Home Base A starting point, and place for threads don't seem to belong anywhere else

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 06-15-2004, 10:25 PM   #256
wolf
lobber of scimitars
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Phila Burbs
Posts: 20,774
Quote:
Originally posted by glatt


It's because I see it as an injustice. As a general rule, I don't make jokes about minority groups who have had to deal with discrimination.

Maybe I'm too serious.
No, you just don't tell jokes much because you've excluded about 90% of them.

Ah, for the days of my childhood and the heyday of publishing the Truly Tasteless (insert ethnicity) Jokebooks.

Somewhere around here I may still have the flipover Irish/Polish edition.
__________________
wolf eht htiw og

"Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island

High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis
wolf is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-16-2004, 12:32 AM   #257
lumberjim
I can hear my ears
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 25,571
actually, glatt, i thought about what you said, and what sycamore said, and i realized that gays are pretty much the only minority that i tend to make fun of. i dont make black jokes or fat jokes or mexican, polish, etc. not if there is a sensitivity to it. but here's the thing: i'm not actually making fun of their bieng homosexual. they can do whatever they want, and it's not funny to think about, really. i like to make fun of those that ACT overtly gay. flamers. they do that shit on purpose and it's hysterical. there is choice involved. i make fun of stupid people too, people that choose to act like fools, etc.
__________________
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality
Embrace this moment, remember
We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan
lumberjim is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-16-2004, 05:02 AM   #258
Crimson Ghost
Larger than life and twice as ugly.
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 5,264
Back to the jokes..........

An Army Captain and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant walk into the head together. Both advance to the urinal, take care of business, and about face. The Captain heads to the sink, and the G/Sgt heads to the door.

"SERGEANT! DIDN'T YOU LEARN ABOUT BASIC HYGIENE IN THE FIELD?"

The Sergeant about faces, fires off a snappy salute, and replies, "Yes Sir. And in the Marines, we were taught not to piss on our hands in the first place."
__________________
We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark.

I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them,
I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period.



Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years
Crimson Ghost is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-16-2004, 05:21 AM   #259
Crimson Ghost
Larger than life and twice as ugly.
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 5,264
Three little old ladies from Pasedena are killed in an auto accident. Their little deuce coupe is mangled. The bodies are shredded. Limbs everywhere. A truly horrendous sight........

St. Peter sees the accident, and is already looking up the names in The Book Of Life when the souls appear before him.

Unfourtunately, the names are nowhere to be found.

St. Peter says, "Ladies, it is not your time to die. I can't send you back to your old bodies, for obvious reasons. And God's not here, to set things right on that point, so.................."

The three little old ladies from Pasedena look at each other..........

"Here's what I'm gonna do", St. Peter says.

"I'll send you back as anyone you want to be. You'll get to live another lifetime."

The first little old lady says, "I want to go back as Marilyn Monroe."

"No problem."

The second little old lady says, "I want to go back as Sandra Bullock."

"No problem."

The third little old lady says, "I want to go back as Sarah Piplan."

St. Peter and the first two ladires look at her. "Sarah Piplan? Who is Sarah Piplan?"

The third little old lady slowly opens her changepurse, and with a shaking hand, pulls out a yellowed newspaper clipping, and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter looks at it and, with a heavy sigh, says, "I'm sorry, but thats "The Saharah Pipeline" 400 men laid in a week."
__________________
We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark.

I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them,
I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period.



Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years
Crimson Ghost is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-21-2004, 10:52 PM   #260
zippyt
LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 7,661
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her
on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two bedroom apartment above
the
garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
__________________
"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. "
Brother Dave Gardner
zippyt is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-21-2004, 10:54 PM   #261
zippyt
LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 7,661
ARRIVING IN FRANCE

Touche'!

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You've been to France before, monsieur?" the customs
officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he
had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for
inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have
to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your
passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I
couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
__________________
"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. "
Brother Dave Gardner
zippyt is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-23-2004, 06:22 PM   #262
Happy Monkey
I think this line's mostly filler.
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: DC
Posts: 13,575
Sixteen things Patton Oswalt would rather vote for than George W. Bush.
__________________
_________________
|...............| We live in the nick of times.
| Len 17, Wid 3 |
|_______________| [pics]
Happy Monkey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-25-2004, 07:16 PM   #263
xoxoxoBruce
The future is unwritten
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
Dear Senator Kerry:
I am Designated Letter Writer for the guys down to Daryl's Bait Shop here in Lagniappe, Louisiana. We have been shaking our heads over your stumbling campaign. It ain't so much we like you or your Party, but you are a fellow American, born in the U S of A, so we don't want you to disgrace yourself. Here are 10 helpful hints we have worked up for you.

1. We know you served in Nam. You'd do yourself a favor if you didn't keep mentioning it every time someone pokes a microphone in your face. Geez, it was 35 years ago you did that for what was it, four months? Some of us Daryl's Bait Shop guys spent more time than that on chow lines.

2. Get your stories straight. Admit you threw your or someone's medals and/or ribbons over the Capitol fence in '71, and you went touring around with Jane Fonda, and you testified falsely to atrocities by US troops. You ought to say that was all a youthful mistake. We've made a few. We'll understand.

3. It's OK, you can talk French to French reporters if you want to, we don't mind. Smilin' Jack Boudreau can speak French, and we elected him Chief of the Lagniappe Volunteer Fire Company. We're not bigots. We call 'em as we see 'em, make up our minds.

4. Sen. Kerry, why aren't you touting your good luck in snaggin, not one, but two, rich wives? Here at Daryl's we often wonder what it would be like to have a really rich wife. We speculate just how big a bass boat we could buy, along with one of those new Dodge Hemi trucks to pull it to the crick. Smilin Jack always points out how it's his cousins, Marvin and Dickweed who appear in those Dodge Hemi commercials but still they can't afford one of their own. We chuckle how we could be fishin all day with nary a worry about where the money is coming from. You don't have to cook that ketchup, do you? Come on, show the world how lucky you are. We here in the South respect achievement and don't begrudge someone's good fortune even if he's a politician.

5. Me and Boudreau wonder why you aren't going to the wrasslin matches to get votes? We've seen videotape of you on the ski slopes. You got some good moves, looks like you already know how to take a fall. All us here (except Freddie Dobbs and Herm Harrison) are great fans of wrasslin. Not that we'd vote for you just because you was one. Armen Yazoo is a wrasslin maniac, but none of us would vote for him even if he was running only for dogcatcher. So you got to tread easy on showing you're Joe Sixpack who just happened to go to Swiss prep school and St. Paul's School and Yale College Skull & Bones. We'd see through that pose in about a minute and a half and mark you for a hypocritical windbag and general liar. You needn't go to the trouble of hanging a black velvet Elvis oil painting in any of your living rooms. Weren't none of us recently fell off a turnip truck.

6. Tell us something you're for. We already know what you're against.

7. We ain't all that impressed with the UN and we don't know why you keep bowing in its direction, promising you will go there first thing if you are elected President of this country. Is there anything the UN has ever done right? Didn't they make a royal mess of that Iraq oil-for-food program, millions skimmed off just happened to land in their personal bank accounts? Seems to us they spend around 98 percent of their time passing resolutions that don't add up to a hill of beans.

8. If you're for lower gasoline prices in the morning, don't be proposing a 50 cents a gallon tax boost on gasoline in the afternoon. Saying one thing in Shreveport and the opposite in Baton Rouge don't inspire us with confidence with you as President. Maybe you should stay in the Senate where you got 99 other guys to share the responsibility with.

9. We got indoor privies, color TV, cell phones, and computers. Give us some credit for brains and understanding. We know economic conditions are good and getting better. Your telling us we're miserable, deluded fools just won't fly. And it gives us the eerie feeling that you're hoping for a relapse into recession to help your electoral chances.

10. You have beaten all your Democratic opponents in all the primaries and caucuses held so far. Yet you seem out of touch with your party and with America. Maybe you've been a pol too long, been campaigning too long and you need a break before the Convention. We all think the best thing you can do is haul out your Harley, put TeRAYza on the pillion and take off for the Sturgis South Dakota Bike Rally. Meet the folks. A few of us from Daryl's will be there.
You don't have to get tattooed.
Sincerely, Cooter
__________________
The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.
xoxoxoBruce is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-25-2004, 11:19 PM   #264
cowhead
halve your cake and eat it too.
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Georgia.. by way of Lawrence Kansas
Posts: 1,359
some funny flash animations

http://www.scarysquirrel.org/special...y/fatkins.html

okay it's not for kids.. not even close.. but having a squirrel tell you some foul mouthed truths... priceless.. I recomend the rants and the non-holiday special...
__________________
no my child.. this is not my desire..I'm digging for fire.
cowhead is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-27-2004, 06:22 AM   #265
irma
Lead Subordinate
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 15
When a nice (sexy) lady farts:
http://www.goodlaughter.com/funny/bigfart.html
irma is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-02-2004, 04:38 PM   #266
lookout123
changed his status to single
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Right behind you. No, the other side.
Posts: 10,308
Talking

2 irish guys walk out of a bar.













what!?! it could happen.
__________________
Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin
lookout123 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-02-2004, 05:16 PM   #267
xoxoxoBruce
The future is unwritten
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing. ...............................
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.
Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale ... the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
A couple of days later, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (a prominent church member) say ... thank you; I baked it myself."
__________________
The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.
xoxoxoBruce is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-02-2004, 07:34 PM   #268
xoxoxoBruce
The future is unwritten
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
Three college buddies were commissioned in three branches of the service--Army, Navy, and Air Force--where they made their careers.
Although they maintained their friendship through the years, they argued long, bitterly, and inconclusively as to which service was the best.
They years wore on, and the three were called to their Heavenly rest, where they continued the dispute.
One day, they encountered Saint Peter, who asked what all the fuss was about. The three officers explained their argument and appealed to St. Peter to tell them once and for all which of their branches was the best.
Saint Peter reflected and admitted the question had never come up before. He agreed, however, to ask God and to get the definitive word.
Some time later, the officers again ran into Saint Peter and eagerly asked if he had received a reply from the Lord. Just then, a snow-white dove, carrying a note in its beak, landed on Peter's shoulder. Saint Peter took the note, unfolded it, and read it to the three officers:
Gentlemen:
Your squabbling and arguing are unseemly and futile. All three of your branches were equally brave, noble, and honorable. You all served your nation with devotion and courage. Take pride in that service, and forget your petty rivalries.
Sincerely,
God
(USMC, Ret.)
__________________
The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.
xoxoxoBruce is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-02-2004, 09:06 PM   #269
Crimson Ghost
Larger than life and twice as ugly.
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 5,264
LOL!!!

OUT-FUCKING-STANDING!!!

That one is a keeper.
__________________
We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark.

I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them,
I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period.



Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years
Crimson Ghost is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-03-2004, 09:43 AM   #270
xoxoxoBruce
The future is unwritten
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
Semper Jarhead.
__________________
The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.
xoxoxoBruce is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
humor


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:47 PM.


Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.