Humor...I Need Humor...

[busterb]

Guess I deleted the BUbba thing, but this is kinda cute.
Martha's Way
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.
Maxine's Way

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

Martha's Way
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in
casseroles and sauces.

Maxine's Way

Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO !!!!!

[xoxoxoBruce]

Oct. 1 - GOD, GOOGLED, EXISTS
59,900,000 Search Results Evidence of Deity, Experts Agree.
In the most conclusive evidence of a Supreme Being ever discovered, a Google™ search of God has proved once and for all that He exists, theologians agreed today.

“To those doubters out there who still don’t believe that God exists, I have just one piece of advice: Google™ Him,” said Dr. George Darlington of the University of Minnesota Divinity School.

The Google™ search of God turned up over 59 million websites featuring Him, a number that theological scholars around the world said makes God’s existence an open and shut case.

The stunning discovery, expected to wipe out atheism worldwide, was made entirely by accident by Jason Blivens, 22, a video-store clerk in Tacoma, WA.
Speaking to reporters today at his home, Mr. Blivens said he meant to do a Google™ search of the word “bod” but accidentally typed the letter “g” instead of “b.” “As soon as those search results came up, I immediately alerted the authorities,” Mr. Blivens said. “I knew this was something big.”

In contrast with the 59 million sites found for God, a Google™ for Satan turned up only 3 million sites, suggesting that God is much more powerful than Satan, as theologians have long argued.

But in a finding that some scholars called worrisome, Paris Hilton turned up on over 3.5 million sites, indicating that the hotel heiress has actually eclipsed the Lord of Darkness as a force for evil.

In a positive development, however, “good” received 178 million search results while “evil” snagged only 17 million, 16 million of those stemming from foreign policy speeches by President George W. Bush.

[busterb]

How many hits ya get if ya pop in "sex"?

[xoxoxoBruce]

You can't just "pop in" sex. You have to buy her dinner first, unless you're Kobe.

[busterb]

Damn, living ALONE. I forgot that. Silly me.

[SteveDallas]

[quote=lookout123]i think it is important to be aware - if you have a noisy Choking the chicken as a cure for insomnia.. I'll have to remember that one.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Sure Steve, like you ever forgot. I suppose you forgot how to ride a bike too.

[404Error]

You might have seen this before, I got it in an email today and thought it funny enough to post.


Things that make you go hmmm...

Questions that really need answers...


1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
thesame tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

18. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Are you still singing the alphabet song?

[lookout123]

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

[lookout123]

are you detail oriented? i was shocked to know that i actually knew this one.

test

[xoxoxoBruce]

Watch out for these new viruses - Symantec nor McAfee have solutions as yet!!!
~The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.
~The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.
~The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.
~The John Kerry virus - causes the floppy to flip flop on its stored memory.
~The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
~The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
~The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
~The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
~The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.
~The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
~The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
~The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
~The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows.

[footfootfoot]

A young newly-engaged couple wanted to get married in a really spectacular church. The priest said, "We have a number of requirements for new couples who wish to get married here. Among them is that they must abstain from having sex until after the ceremony."

The couple looked at one another, thinking how special this church was and so, reluctantly they agreed.

On the day of the ceremony they went to meet with the priest. The priest asked the couple "Were you able to abstain from sex?"

"No Father, we were not able to go without sex for the engagement." The young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"To get our minds off of sex we decided to do a home repair project. My fiance was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf, and her miniskirt rose up revealing her panties. I got very excited by this and then she dropped the can of paint and bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right then and there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either."

[lookout123]

this one is pretty sweet. i still can't see the difference in the 2 pictures.

spot the changes?

[SteveDallas]

Credit: "Travel Naturally" magazine. I guess it's too late now...

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and he must commit suicide if he does (which could explain the rash of suicide bombers around the world).

So, in honor of National Nude Recreation Week, on Saturday, July 10, at 4 P.M. Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove they are not Taliban and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wives, and to show support for all American women. And since the Taliban also do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America. It is your patriotic duty to spread the word.

[Trilby]

that is why virtually ALL of my ex-husbands live in the good ol' USA.

i say "virtually" because I cannot be certain of Jamaica. It was Carnivale...