The Cellar  

Go Back   The Cellar > Main > Home Base

Home Base A starting point, and place for threads don't seem to belong anywhere else

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-28-2006, 08:04 AM   #856
plthijinx
Master Dwellar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 4,181
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance.

This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.

The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.

Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."

"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance. which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."

"Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
__________________
For your dreams to come true, you must first have a dream.
plthijinx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-29-2006, 12:39 AM   #857
Rock Steady
Day Tripper
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 784
My Cajun friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Cajun:
1. He liked to serve fish to his friends.
2. He could make his own wine.
3. And he wasn't afraid of water.

My Black friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

My Jewish friend had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

My Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

My California friend also had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

My Irish friend then gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But my women friends have the most compelling evidence of all that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.
__________________
Rock Steady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-01-2006, 07:09 PM   #858
Shocker
Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Your Mom's house
Posts: 378
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her
boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.


She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread allover
the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the
box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're
not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
tiger."




He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed,.......................






"Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
Shocker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-01-2006, 07:14 PM   #859
Shocker
Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Your Mom's house
Posts: 378
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Shocker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-01-2006, 09:01 PM   #860
Kagen4o4
Professor
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Melbourne, Aus
Posts: 1,787
i like a good sexist joke now and again. makes me happy to be a man
__________________
something we both can enjoy??
Kagen4o4 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-02-2006, 10:45 AM   #861
plthijinx
Master Dwellar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 4,181
A Cajun and a pet alligator
A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal."
"I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside."
"Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute."
"Then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed."
"In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........."I'll try It!"
"Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
__________________
For your dreams to come true, you must first have a dream.
plthijinx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-02-2006, 12:00 PM   #862
Rock Steady
Day Tripper
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 784
I'm glad to see I can still get a rise out of you guys even at my age.
__________________
Rock Steady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-02-2006, 02:47 PM   #863
chainsaw
Wingnahningning... Er somethin'
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: 90802
Posts: 368
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter
Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway
down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, the last guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches the end of the line and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again".
__________________
I have no life, so I watch movies.
chainsaw is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-03-2006, 02:18 PM   #864
Shocker
Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Your Mom's house
Posts: 378
Two nuns walk into a bar...
you would think one would have noticed.
Shocker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-03-2006, 02:22 PM   #865
Iggy
Back and ready to tart up the place
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Kansas
Posts: 850
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shocker
Two nuns walk into a bar...
you would think one would have noticed.

Hey !!!! That is the blonde joke I told you!!!! You can't just change the subject and think it is a different joke. Gosh. :p
__________________
Chock-full of naughty goodness.
Iggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-03-2006, 02:40 PM   #866
Shocker
Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Your Mom's house
Posts: 378
I can do what I want woman!
Shocker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-03-2006, 03:40 PM   #867
Spexxvet
Makes some feel uncomfortable
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 10,305
A priest, homosexual, and pedophile walked into a saloon. The first thing he did when he entered was go to the bar...
__________________
"I'm certainly free, nay compelled, to spread the gospel of Spex. " - xoxoxoBruce
Spexxvet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-03-2006, 04:45 PM   #868
Shocker
Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Your Mom's house
Posts: 378
So this string walks into a bar and orders a drink
Bartender tells the string that they don't serve strings in there and that he has to leave
So the string leaves and then comes back later
Bartender tells the string the same thing so the string leaves
Next day the string tries again, but the same thing happens, so the string leaves
The string gets so frustrated with his attemps to get a drink that he rips up his ends and ties himself all up. When he calms down, he decides that he will try one more time.
When he walks into the bar, the bartender asks "hey aren't you that string who keeps trying to get drinks?"
string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot!"
Shocker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-04-2006, 12:23 AM   #869
Rock Steady
Day Tripper
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 784
A blonde in her car gets pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop asks the driver for her license. "Gee, officer, what does that look like". The cops says "It's the little square thing with your face on it". The driver hands the cop her mirror.

The cop looks at the mirror, hands it back to the driver and says, "Sorry mam, I didn't realize you were an officer."
__________________
Rock Steady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-08-2006, 07:49 PM   #870
Shocker
Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Your Mom's house
Posts: 378
A cowboy from Texas was pulled over by an Arizona DPS Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies ?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replied, "circle flies hang around ranches.
They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. But, a
moment later he stopped and said, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replied, "I have too much re spect for law
enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper said and went back to writing the ticket..

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl said, "Hard to fool them flies though."
__________________
I live only for posterity. Death is nothing, but to live defeated and without glory is to die everyday."
- Napolean Bonaparte
Shocker is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
humor


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:44 PM.


Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.