Weird Loo Behavior....

[jester]

OMG - i don't even want to know where you got all that "crap":p

[HungLikeJesus]

This one is also appropriate for this thread:

Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.


THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.


SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.


WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.


UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.


FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

[jester]

I think I got that in an email from someone - yikes

[lumberjim]

Thanks, hlj.....copied, pasted, printed, circulated.

[Cicero]

Lol!!! Jester!!! Just when I thought this thread wasn't even funny- a hip-pocket image from Jester!
lol!!!

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by SundaeGirl

At my last job, people would go to different floors to poo. There was a young Muslim girl who worked on the 1st floor, who was always in our toilets straightening her hijab, and my colleague & I suspected her of being a sneaky poo-monger. I got into conversation with her one day and it turns out she came down simply to use the mirror in our toilet - because the 1st floor smelled so bad. She seemed genuine enough to make us feel guilty for the silent aspersions we'd cast for months.

I had a job like that. My company took up two whole floors of the building, and there were only 8 girls in the company total, so it was painfully obvious whenever someone from a different floor came to use our toilets. It didn't really bother me, but our receptionist hated it. She took to calling one particular blonde woman "the Deuce" because she came in for a really smelly poop every single day just before lunchtime.

[Aliantha]

I prefer to shit at work. That way it doesn't mess up my own toilet (although getting all the others at home to do it elsewhere is the trick).

Noisy farts are the best and one should always make their best effort to crack one out.

To each their own, I just never understood people getting weird about bathroom stuff.
Do the business and go. It's not a dance.

[HungLikeJesus]

A friend of mine had a co-worker who would take off all of his clothes every time he went in to the stall.

It probably goes without saying, but my friend works for the government.

[monster]

Originally Posted by HungLikeJesus

A friend of mine had a co-worker who would take off all of his clothes every time he went in to the stall.

It probably goes without saying, but my friend works for the government.

That's not uncommon first-grade behaviour.....

[monster]

Originally Posted by rkzenrage

To each their own, I just never understood people getting weird about bathroom stuff.
Do the business and go. It's not a dance.

But it's not bathroom stuff -no baths involved!

[Perry Winkle]

People think way too much about shit.

[Weird Harold]

I only use the bathroom at work if it's an extreme emergency. Work is some one's house, and they don't mind you taking a leak, but stinking up the customers bathroom is frowned upon. The other reason, the weird loo, too much information reason is, I hate toilet paper. I have hemorrhoids, so my asshole is lumpy, and bumpy, so I use baby wipes. They are a whole lot less painful, than toilet paper, and do a much better job of cleaning things up.

[monster]

Originally Posted by Perry Winkle

People think way too much about shit.

True dat.

although we may have different definitions of shit.

Poop is important. Did you not see The Last Emporer?

Speaking of shit, did you see Talladega nights?

[Hugo Zorilla]

Originally Posted by Crimson Ghost

Shittiest. Thread. Ever.

You are a fucking idiot.
DuckNuts posted a serious thread, and you have to make a joke of it?
Why don't you just go away?
Leave the rest of us in peace.