Ask the Transperson

[Pamela]

Originally Posted by lumberjim

Are you doing this because you feel wrong inside your skin? like you really SHOULD have been a chick?

and if that's a yes...what if, when it's all complete.... you STILL feel wrong inside your skin?

Good one! You been talking to my psychologist?

The "born in the wrong body" analogy is not quite what we feel but it's a simple and fairly accurate representation that can be conveyed to non-trans people who cannot imagine how we feel.

I look at it like this. I *was* born a chick. Been one all my life. I just have this litle birth defect. I got a shot of testosterone at the wrong time during my development (or perhaps I was exposed to DES in utero). Whatever happened, I was born with functional male genitals, prompting my attending doctor to announce "It's a boy!" when it was really a girl!

I was thus told all my life that I was a boy, and that boys don't cry, or have sweet sixteens, or wear pretty clothes, or makeup etc etc.

Over forty years of conditioning and training are very difficult to overcome. The incorrect hormone cocktail that I had growing up was wrong for me, made me feel terrible and awkward and confused. The secondary effects like hair all over and cracking and deepening voice and such horrified me. Inside, I was screaming. But I learned not to talk about such things early.

As for surgery, not everyone is a candidate for surgery, and not everyone can afford the $20,000 or more that it costs. Few insurance plans cover it. I know neither of mine do. We are specifically excluded. I hope that changes in the future.

Should I get my bottom surgery (I assume that's what you are referring to), I am certain that I will not regret it, as some have. Not everyone who wants the change should have it.

See here for some examples of regrets.

To be sure, I have as part of my transition team, a very experienced gender therapist who has counseled countless of my brothers and sisters and seen many through the entire transition including the surgery and beyond. I know that surgery is permanent and irreversible and I want to be absolutely certain before anyone cuts on me. And I will be, however I decide.

Thanks!

Pam

[tw]

Originally Posted by Pamela

Oh, my most problematic plight? I can really live without the death threats. I've gotten two so far, with one coming along with attempts to run me off the highway. Fortunately, I was able to evade the jerks. But that's the most obvious plight.

Is it reasonable to assume greatest threats (both in numbers and credibility) are from hetrosexual males?

Is that 'plight' overwhelmingly the most serious problem? Or do other plights of equivalent magnitude exist?

[sexobon]

How has ending your posts with "Love Pam" worked for you?

For awhile after you introduced yourself, it was in almost every post ... which I found annoying. Now it's not as frequent. To me, a person doing such generally comes across as frivolous or disingenuous depending on their other personality traits. I don't consider it a positive attribute. In your case; however, it seems to be a technique for lowering barriers. Maybe it has even worked well enough for you to suggest it to others.

[Sheldonrs]

I get a lot of Trans questions through one of my part time jobs, which includes managing a web site for MtoF transsexuals to help them develope their female voice.
I can't count how many times people assuming I'm trans have asked me about my transition and how I adjusted to peeing, etc. :-)

[footfootfoot]

I guess my question would really be for your wife. I totally get loving the person you are, and that is irrelevant to gender. When it comes to sex and sexual attraction is that an issue for her? If so, in what ways are the two if you addressing it? I guess the question becomes more poignant if you have bottom surgery.

[slang]

Originally Posted by sexobon

We understand just fine, you've gone native. We don't have any problem with that. You've simply failed to understand that charity begins at home. You've made your choices, now live with them, we have.

Thank you for your brilliant comment, but...

[sexobon]

... but then I wasn't soliciting for contributions.

[slang]

Originally Posted by Pamela

The best thing people can do to make this easier on me is to simply use my new name and gender pronouns. I still get a lot of people who use the OLD ones. I can understand that you knew me for many years as Brian, but please, try to make the effort. We will really appreiate it and every time we hear our new name, it is enpowering and affirming in ways that defy articulation.

Love

Pam

That makes sense and I'll surely remember that.

I am honestly uncomfortable with some transpersons and catch myself staring at them. If they are older or self confident they might smile to break my stare to which I'll smile back and make a little friendly small talk as if to say "oops, sorry about that".

[tw]

Originally Posted by slang

I am honestly uncomfortable with some transpersons and catch myself staring at them.

Can you really identify a transgender person from others? Or only see the fewer that are in transition?

[slang]

Originally Posted by sexobon

... but then I wasn't soliciting for contributions.

What does my temporary hardship have to do with Pam's transperson subject here? Nothing. You've gone out of your way to be snarky when you need not be.

People here raise money for friends regularly. If you're not my friend, that's a tragedy, but try to stick to the subject matter instead of trying to show everyone how incredibly witty you are busting my chops.

Thank you and goodbye.

[slang]

Originally Posted by tw

Can you really identify a transgender person from others? Or only see the fewer that are in transistion?

That's a good question TW.

I'm not sure. That seems likely.

[sexobon]

Originally Posted by slang

... You've gone out of your way to be snarky when you need not be. ... try to stick to the subject matter instead of trying to show everyone how incredibly witty you are busting my chops. ...

Look who's talking:

Originally Posted by slang

... my own transition is OUT of the US. ...
Americans ( or westerners ) don't understand it, don't agree with it, and don't support it but this is the new me. ... Despite the majority of the world's population trying to get IN to the US, I'm getting out. For good.

Slang you ignorant second worlder. You implied that not only all Americans; but, all westerners are too stupid to understand why someone raised here would rather live somewhere else. You further implied that no Americans (or westerners) agree with your moving out and that none of them support it. I'm not only happy an insolent pompous ass like you wanted to leave, I would have contributed to having you exported. I'm thrilled with the new you ... being somewhere else, for good.

Other that that, Happy New Year to you and yours, good looking family.

[Sundae]

Originally Posted by tw

Can you really identify a transgender person from others? Or only see the fewer that are in transition?

I've known a few TG people in real life. One was very obvious, and continues to be. She has been supported by her employer and lives completely as a woman, but she does look very much like a man. Then again she didn't even begin her physical journey until she was into her 50s and I believe this makes a difference.

Another is as Shel describes, but from the opposite perspective. People assume he is gay and are surprised he has a girlfirend. Both of them have had to deal with some cold shoulders from the lesbian community who they once viewed as family. He for not feeling being a woman was good enough, she for "becoming" heterosexual for sticking by the person she loved regardless of changing gender.

Those are statements not questions of course.

My question is, if money had been no object, would you have transitioned sooner? Or was it cultural/ societal issues which held you back? Or did you simply start to make your changes when you were emotionally comfortable with doing so? That's not really three questions, because one answer will suffice

And is there any good TG literature out there?

Fiction or memoirs written from an informed perspective have always helped me to understand different lifestyles more than any number of texts or documentaries. For example, although I can never really feel the impact of AIDs on the gay community, I have a heck of a lot more empathy since Derek Jarman's books sent me down a path of reading various (well-written) memoirs. It was another world which only ran parallel to the one I lived in at the time.

[Pamela]

Originally Posted by tw

Is it reasonable to assume greatest threats (both in numbers and credibility) are from hetrosexual males?

Is that 'plight' overwhelmingly the most serious problem? Or do other plights of equivalent magnitude exist?

Yes, you may assume that.

No, I have problems of greater and lesser status. Life is fluid, so each item may change priorities without notice.

[Pamela]

Originally Posted by sexobon

How has ending your posts with "Love Pam" worked for you?

For awhile after you introduced yourself, it was in almost every post ... which I found annoying. Now it's not as frequent. To me, a person doing such generally comes across as frivolous or disingenuous depending on their other personality traits. I don't consider it a positive attribute. In your case; however, it seems to be a technique for lowering barriers. Maybe it has even worked well enough for you to suggest it to others.

It works pretty well for me overall. You are the only person to even mention it.

I use it both as a way to allow my inner light to shine through as well as a reminder for me to be a more loving person, not the grouch that HE could be at times.

I am a dab hand at lowering barriers and getting people to converse and share rather than talk AT me or around me.

Love and coral lipstick lip prints!

LOL

Pamela