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Old 10-20-2019, 07:15 PM   #1
Flint
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A rough couple of years

I've always had peaks and dips, but it seems to be on a downward trajectory. I don't know if it's just getting older, or the accumulation of trauma I've been through, but my peaks aren't high enough to be a productive member of society, and my dips are bordering on sabotage. I've been thinking about what I would need to pull me out of this mindset, but in the meantime I don't have enough resilience to weather the challenges. So I'm to the point of just sitting and staring at the wall.

I don't open my mail or pay my bills, I'm late to work every day, I don't have a running car, I've only got a few people I can talk to, and my time to have a good relationship with my children is slipping through my fingers. I'm certain, with good reason, that everyone I know is disappointed in me at best, or outright adversarial at worst.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk!
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******************
There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there
it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your
expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever
gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio
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Old 10-20-2019, 08:41 PM   #2
sexobon
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Well then, it sucks to be you.

Have you considered reinventing yourself? It's a technique.

If that doesn't appeal, I'll turn you over to lumberjim for guided remedial action.

BTW, what does your health care provider have to say about this?
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Old 10-20-2019, 09:49 PM   #3
monster
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flint View Post
I've always had peaks and dips, but it seems to be on a downward trajectory. I don't know if it's just getting older, or the accumulation of trauma I've been through, but my peaks aren't high enough to be a productive member of society, and my dips are bordering on sabotage. I've been thinking about what I would need to pull me out of this mindset, but in the meantime I don't have enough resilience to weather the challenges. So I'm to the point of just sitting and staring at the wall.

I don't open my mail or pay my bills, I'm late to work every day, I don't have a running car, I've only got a few people I can talk to, and my time to have a good relationship with my children is slipping through my fingers. I'm certain, with good reason, that everyone I know is disappointed in me at best, or outright adversarial at worst.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk!
Oh Flint, that's a horrible place to be. Do you have a diagnosis/receive any treatment/counselling for your mental health? Even if you are not interested in medication or counseling, you might be able to get FMLA to protect your job while you try to get into a better place (although they do usually require you be be undergoing some kind of treatment program for that, I think). Not ideal, but maybe a starting point. Go see someone next time you have a strong moment. Do it. There will be a way out. We're here for you and are not disappointed in you. And want to help.
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Old 10-20-2019, 10:17 PM   #4
sexobon
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Yes, listen to tw. His suggestion is favorably considered by others.

Quote:
tw.............................................................11-10-2017 09:24 PM

> Once upon a time, when I was at the lowest point of my life, and was so desperate and hopeless that my loneliness outweighed my desire for privacy ...


Having said that and what follows, then you have already done what is always a hard part. Curious is that you did not take the next step - talk to a psychologist. That is what they are good at. Other than finding one, that next step should have been the easy part. If for no other reason, to have a trusted person say if you really have a problem or provide some advise that others cannot provide.

Did it not occur to you or did no one suggest it?

Either a question of curiosity (why some don't do it) or maybe something to consider. That was such a revealing post that I wondered if you are actually seeking advise.

For no other reason, consider a psychologist if only to learn if it is worthwhile or necessary. No reason to discuss it in The Cellar.
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Old 10-20-2019, 11:04 PM   #5
Undertoad
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Quote:
I don't have enough resilience
You have characterized yourself this way; that is all your invention; and you can characterize yourself in other ways over time. LJ will be around after the game to explain.

Anyway, it's not the case. Human beings are enormously resilient.

You have a responsibility to take care of yourself. It's not an easy responsibility to see. Your situation is dire, as is all of ours too. It will continue to deteriorate, until the point at which you will suffer harder. This just leads to more shame and resentment and trouble. The only answer is to take care of yourself. You have nothing better to do and nothing more important.
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Old 10-21-2019, 07:17 AM   #6
Griff
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Wise thoughts.

Be kind to yourself. However you do it you're going to have to assert your authority over your own mind and by extension your life. I'd start with my GP. You matter to me man, get some help.
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Old 10-21-2019, 09:52 AM   #7
Undertoad
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I only know cos I have been there
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Old 10-21-2019, 11:02 AM   #8
limey
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I'm here with everyone else cheering you on. I don't know what healthcare options are open to you in the States but as Monster says, take a day when you are feeling stronger to take steps to access the help you can. Do you have a close friend who can help you with this?
As UT says nothing is more important than taking care of yourself. If doing it for yourself is not motivation enough, do it for your children. They DO care, and WILL appreciate your efforts.
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Old 10-21-2019, 11:56 AM   #9
lumberjim
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recognizing the issue is a good start. you should still have my cell number, use it if you want to talk it through.



Sounds like you've got the fukkits. Forgive yourself first. You have been acting according to your current level of consciousness. Sounds like you're spending psychological time in the past, cultivating regret. quit that. It's ok to recognize it, feel it for some time, but then you have to let it die. Sounds trite, but just don't think about it as much. Apologize to those you can, if you can... if you've done something that warrants is.. I think you may find that they are not actually disappointed in you. Maybe by your actions... but you're a good dude at heart.



Increasing your inner awareness is step one of fixing your actions. And aint nothing wrong with staring at a wall. It's what's going on between your ears. Where...or WHEN... are you when you stare at it?



I feel like I always give the same advice, and sound like a nutter harping on a religion....BUT.. I'll risk that if it helps you some.






watch more of his videos as they come up. Dude is soothing, and makes lots of sense. Sahdguru is another good one.



You'll be OK. because you ARE already ok, you just have to see it.
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Old 10-21-2019, 12:49 PM   #10
Diaphone Jim
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"...if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track."

That is part of the quote from Terry Bozzio you chose for The Cellar.
That is simple advice, as well as free and effective.
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Old 10-21-2019, 01:04 PM   #11
Clodfobble
UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
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I am not disappointed in you, because you did the hard thing which was speaking up. You are stronger than you want to give yourself credit for.

Are you still in the Portland area? Or did you come back to Texas?
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Old 10-21-2019, 01:32 PM   #12
Undertoad
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Quote:
Sounds like you've got the fukkits.
I know so many people that have it, it is a serious problem at about our age
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Old 10-21-2019, 05:52 PM   #13
Dude111
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flint
I've always had peaks and dips, but it seems to be on a downward trajectory. I don't know if it's just getting older, or the accumulation of trauma I've been through, but my peaks aren't high enough to be a productive member of society, and my dips are bordering on sabotage. I've been thinking about what I would need to pull me out of this mindset, but in the meantime I don't have enough resilience to weather the challenges. So I'm to the point of just sitting and staring at the wall.

I don't open my mail or pay my bills, I'm late to work every day, I don't have a running car, I've only got a few people I can talk to, and my time to have a good relationship with my children is slipping through my fingers. I'm certain, with good reason, that everyone I know is disappointed in me at best, or outright adversarial at worst.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk!
Im so sorry buddy,ill say a prayer that things get better for you
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Old 10-22-2019, 03:08 PM   #14
lisa
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Undertoad View Post
> Sounds like you've got the fukkits.
I know so many people that have it, it is a serious problem at about our age
<raises hand> I sure have. The key phrase for me is when I have "What's the point?" constantly running through my head -- about everything.

It's something to get through... Can definitely be hard, though
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Old 10-22-2019, 04:16 PM   #15
glatt
 
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This guy is a nut, but he speaks wisdom.
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