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Old 01-23-2014, 10:23 PM   #1
orthodoc
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What makes you feel like offing yourself tonight

Not tonight, necessarily. But it's been a theme since my diagnosis. With this cancer there is no cure, there is no complete remission. I stood up and fought the good fight, had the surgery, survived the damnable complications (don't ask); survived the chemo with most of my neurons intact. Not all, but most, and I can get by.

I lost my faith in anything a long time ago, so I have no idea what faces me when my heart and brain stop working. That isn't a variable in the equation of whether to continue existing here, or whether to advance to what (if anything) lies beyond.

I cope just fine in the daytime, get up at 0600 and feed the cats, go to work. I arrive early, in time to look up references pertinent to the patients I'll see during the day. I see my patients, do my best by them, write up all the paperwork and documentation.

I spend time doing research on safety issues, important issues, things I want to see done better - so that tragedies don't repeat themselves. I've seen so many tragedies, want to prevent those we can, avert the grief.

At night it's a different story. I live alone, do my work, work out, go to bed, and still I have to fight this feeling that I'd be better out of this world. That I'm living on borrowed time anyway, so what does it matter. I'm waiting for my Stage 4 diagnosis, waiting for the news that I'm treatable but not curable. But that's the news I had from the beginning: this cancer is treatable but not curable. So what does it matter? I'm dead woman walking.

I hate the Pink Industry, Pinktober, Nancy Brinker's personal pink jet and all the rest. It's all about the lie that breast cancer is preventable, detectable, erasable. Nancy Brinker has done very well out of her sister's death. But this cancer continues to kill more than 40,000 women every year in this country.

For now, I can cope with my workload. I worry about starting my new job in July. I'll have to show that my diagnosis doesn't impact my abiity to do my job. I won't have the same support system around me.

I've been unlucky enough to be the one in eight who gets this disease. It's not my first experience of lousy luck/circumstances. I don't know why I should continue striving, trying to move ahead. For what?
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Old 01-23-2014, 10:46 PM   #2
xoxoxoBruce
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For what? For you. For something to do.
If you are unhappy doing it, you can find something that appeals to you more, but you have to be doing something. Of course you'd take a lot of heat about wasting you education/training, if you decided you'd rather be a barista or a truck driver, but fuck it. You're choice.

[evil laugh] You can always pull a, poor little me, cancer victim, long enough for critics to run away embarrassed. [/evil laugh]
If the evenings are a problem, you need an evening distraction. Maybe stargazing or voyering the men at the YMCA.

I seems to me that you've been in turmoil for awhile, with the divorce and cancer, exasperating kids, and remarriage. You're just getting to calmer waters after a couple of years of careening around like a pinball. Does it look like you'll be bored?
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Old 01-23-2014, 11:01 PM   #3
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Physician, heal thyself. No srsly, get to a shrink or counselor. You didn't really think you'd get through this without a depression creeping in, did you? I know it's hard to own, especially for doctors, but it's ok to seek help. consider it a friendly second opinion. It doesn't have to impact your new job, but it will if you let it.
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Old 01-23-2014, 11:08 PM   #4
orthodoc
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Bruce, you've been a friend. Do you really think I'm a pity party drama gurrlll 'what should I do with my next gel mani' sort of person?

I have endless things to do; that's not the problem, and it keeps me distracted until I"m alone at night. I'm not bored.
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Old 01-23-2014, 11:10 PM   #5
orthodoc
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monster, I know I'm depressed. I own my anger and rage. I've gotten meself to a counselor/shrink who (both) told me that my problem is I think I'm broken.

Rendering respect where it's due, I think my problem is a bit different.
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Old 01-23-2014, 11:54 PM   #6
xoxoxoBruce
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I had to Google gel mani', I'd have never figured that out.

I didn't even infer I thought it was a pity party, I'm pretty sure I know exactly where you were coming from, it's not unfamiliar territory. You stated your problem, it's probable cause and effect as you see it, and what you predict will be your probable future path, which you didn't much care for.

But then you asked, " I don't know why I should continue striving, trying to move ahead. For what?"

I don't believe that was a rhetorical question. While I admit my response was a little tongue in cheek, I tried not to be flippant while addressing, "At night it's a different story."

In your chastising me post, you say, "...and it keeps me distracted until I"m alone at night. I'm not bored."

OK, you're not bored, just insufficiently distracted.
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Old 01-24-2014, 12:06 AM   #7
orthodoc
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Nights have been a problem for many months. I do well during the day; I do everything I can. Nights remain a problem, and I've tried various means to cope. Exercise, early bed, sleep meds, yada yada yada. And yet I remain, as you say, insufficently distracted.

I don't have the access to meds that Trilby did. That's the only difference.
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Old 01-24-2014, 03:29 AM   #8
xoxoxoBruce
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Obviously you need more sex to exhaust you, then you'll drop right off to the land of nod.
Sheep aren't just for counting, you know.
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Old 01-24-2014, 10:56 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce View Post
Obviously you need more sex to exhaust you, then you'll drop right off to the land of nod.
Sheep aren't just for counting, you know.
Ewe are fucking funny!
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Old 01-24-2014, 12:47 PM   #10
lumberjim
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have you tried the weed?

or maybe guitar?

or NOT THINKING?

try that. too much internal narrative, too much dread of the future, regret of the past.... too much thought. shut that brain off until you need it for something. it's a tool, not your identity. be the vessel that holds it. just be.
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Old 01-24-2014, 07:45 PM   #11
tw
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Ewe are fucking funny!
Sheep and fucking in the same sentence? What does that cure?
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Old 01-24-2014, 09:14 PM   #12
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Not thinking is very good advice. Not thinking helps me a lot.

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Old 01-25-2014, 12:24 PM   #13
footfootfoot
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Originally Posted by orthodoc View Post
monster, I know I'm depressed. I own my anger and rage. I've gotten meself to a counselor/shrink who (both) told me that my problem is I think I'm broken.

Rendering respect where it's due, I think my problem is a bit different.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn...030202723.html
Quote:
[Kintsugi] means "golden joinery" in Japanese, and it refers to the art of fixing broken ceramics with a lacquer resin made to look like solid gold. Chances are, a vessel fixed by kintsugi will look more gorgeous, and more precious, than before it was fractured.
http://www.pinterest.com/uberECOcool...ics-with-gold/


“She had only one flaw. She was perfect, otherwise she was perfect.”


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Old 01-25-2014, 01:51 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Lola Bunny View Post
Not thinking is very good advice. Not thinking helps me a lot.
this
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Old 01-25-2014, 02:25 PM   #15
footfootfoot
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Be careful, Non thinking can lead to enlightenment.
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