the critic: judging kids art (HA!)

[thealphajerk]

although this is not my work i felt obliged to share seemings as i almost shit my pants when i read it.. definitely up my alley as well.

p.s. there was alot more i had to say here but because my computer is horrible and decided to eat this blog the first time i can't be fucked doing it again.

so enjoy:

If you work in an office with lots of people, chances are that you work with a person who hangs pictures up that their kids have drawn. The pictures are always of some stupid flower or a tree with wheels.
These pictures suck; I could draw pictures much better. In fact, I can spell, do math and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of children, I've taken the liberty to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A through F for each piece:…


First of all, I've ridden a lot of bikes in my time, but I've never, ever seen one with 874 spokes on it. I hope you never become an engineer.
And what's with the kid on the bike? Yeah, that one with the sword sticking out of his body. Is he riding to the hospital?
And where the hell is his other leg? Did it just magically disappear? Maybe it got caught in one of those god-forsaken spokes and was ripped off. GRADE: F






OK Rupert, I'm going to be easy on you, since you're probably retarded and can't draw a logical picture to save your life.
First of all, what's with that yellow pee monster attacking that goofy girl? Yeah, you know who I'm talking about. That girl impaled on both sides with daggers. Is she scared of the creature or the fact that the sun appears to be ovulating?
And who's that creepy, tall green-headed man on the right? David Banner? Maybe he's there to investigate why this girl seems to have a darker moustache than most teenage boys. GRADE: F


It's a bird. It's a plane. No, it's a flying tampon with whiskers. What in God's name is that thing? A ghost?
By the way, nice running shoes, Forrest. They look like two severed bird heads which you stepped on while running away from the Kotex Monster.
Notice how the sun is smiling away, like all is happy and joyful in the world…. while this kid with 7 fingers on one hand and 4 on the other is running for his life.
And what's with the hair man? Is that a new style, or is your head smoldering from being in such close proximity to the sun? GRADE: F




You spelled America wrong asshole. Also, I could have sworn America's colors were red, white and blue. There's no yellow anywhere, traitor. GRADE: F

















Holy shit, I almost had a seizure when I saw this one. Three words: too many colors. Also, eggs aren't supposed to have ears, dipshit. GRADE: F













Ding Ding! Here comes the shit-mobile. I've never seen a fire truck that needed to be shaved. I would rather be burned to death than be saved by this hairy piece of crap. GRADE: F













That's interesting, everyone in this picture is white. Even the rainbow is white. Perhaps in an ideal world, everyone would be white isn't that right, Rachel? Or should I call you RACIST?
Nice try, Hitler. GRADE: F











This was a Christmas gift from Kelly to her parents. Good job Kelly, now pack up your shit and find a foster home. If my kids tried to pass this off as a gift, they'd come home from school and find
all their shit outside in a box. What a lousy gift, seriously. You give them video games and toys, and they give you some half-assed drawing with a crooked tree. I wonder how much a gift like this would set someone back. Five, maybe ten minutes to find a napkin and some markers? GRADE: F





so, that being said.. tell me your opinion on this pressing matter at hand


p.s. source:<a href=http://bitsandpieces1.blogspot.com/>bits and pieces<a/>

[Sundae]

Made tears roll down my cheeks, thank you!

[thealphajerk]

no worries, like i said.. way too good not to share

ding dong here comes the shit mobile!

[ZenGum]

Dear Sir,
I believe that my son has great talent as an artist and I hope you can make suggestions to help him fulfill his potential.
Please offer your views on this opus:

[thealphajerk]

holy shit!
is that the mecca of to be critiqued kids pictures or what?!

firstly.. how old is your son?

secondly.. is this just you drawing this?

and finally.. in my honest opinion your son has to be passively although not subtly letting you know that he is the manliest boy/man on the face of the earth, either that or the penis/scissors drawing could be a metaphor or clever euphemism showing an early indication of your sons attitude towards the penis ie: it is a weapon and could perhaps be used to cut things

[ZenGum]

The truth is, that picture went around by email a few months back, and was allegedly drawn by a kindergarten age (4-5) boy.

Considering that this erect donger was presented to the boy's mother, I think we may have to go all Freudian/Oedipal on this one.

A powerful statement about the development of lust and sexuality in humans, juxtaposing the "taboo" image of the erect phallus with the commonplacity of the stationery item, thereby subverting the secretness and forbiddenness of the taboo by identifying it with the everyday socio-respectable scissors, with a redoubled emphasis generated by the silent play on words using the designation "tool". A+

[lumberjim]

do this one

[thealphajerk]

Originally Posted by ZenGum

The truth is, that picture went around by email a few months back, and was allegedly drawn by a kindergarten age (4-5) boy.

Considering that this erect donger was presented to the boy's mother, I think we may have to go all Freudian/Oedipal on this one.

A powerful statement about the development of lust and sexuality in humans, juxtaposing the "taboo" image of the erect phallus with the commonplacity of the stationery item, thereby subverting the secercy and forbiddenness of the taboo by identifying it with the everyday socio-respectable scissors, with a redoubled emphasis generated by the silent play on words using the designation "tool". A+

ahh freud, the perverted psychiatrist we all need to desensitize us to most everything.
i am not at all versed in the works of oedipus but if you put it that way everyone would be getting a+'s simply because the perverse nature of the human mind allows you to find a grade filth in anything.

but just as a drawing of scissors he/she still gets an F

[thealphajerk]

titled "walking to your house on a sunny day" this simple mockery of the term "art" looks more like someone trying to surf the tongue of an equally ill drawn monster in oder to save his one door, no windowed trailer house, but to no avail.. all that seems to have ensued is third degree burns to the hands and the demise of this fools abode.
so ultimately this drab illustration depicts nothing more than the events that lead to some poor soul being a homeless burn victim ... F

[ZenGum]

Originally Posted by thealphajerk

ahh freud, the perverted psychiatrist we all need to desensitize us to most everything.
i am not at all versed in the works of oedipus but if you put it that way everyone would be getting a+'s simply because the perverse nature of the human mind allows you to find a grade filth in anything.

but just as a drawing of scissors he/she still gets an F

Rules for Freudianism in Art:
1. Anything taller than it is wide is a penis.
2. Anything wider than it is tall is a penis on its side.
3. Anything roughly round is a breast.
4. Anything triangular is a female pubic area.

[thealphajerk]

of course!
that's pretty much how i view things all the time

[Happy Monkey]

Original source.

[thealphajerk]

cheers man!
i hadn't seen that, it even had a few more in there that bits and pieces didnt..

[jinx]

The rest of his site is even funnier, check it out.

[queequeger]

Yeah, where did those first two come from? Those weren't Maddox's were they?