Humor...I Need Humor...

[Gravdigr]

[xoxoxoBruce]

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica.
“Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?”
“Of course not, Noah. I love music.
In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life.”
“What happened?”
“Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood.
The dam broke and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off the foundation.
Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.”
“How about you?”
“Me? I accompanied her on the piano!”

[xoxoxoBruce]

FLORIDA PERSONALS

FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
----------------------------------------------------
SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------
WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------
BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------
MEMORIES :
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday,
let's put our two heads together.
----------------------------------------------------
MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Not in running condition, but walks well.

[xoxoxoBruce]

I was talking to my preacher and noticed he had cut himself shaving, so I asked him about it.
He said he was concentrating on his sermon while shaving, and had nicked his chin.
I thought about that during the sermon, then stood in line to greet him after the service.
I told him that I thought about what he had said.
“And…?” he replied.
I told him next time, he should concentrate on what he was doing, and cut his sermon instead.
******************
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
'Yes,' came the answer from Tony, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'
'That's nice of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she'll appreciate them.'
Tony smiled, 'So do I, it’ll make her vacuuming much easier now.'

[xoxoxoBruce]

A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient.
"Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?" asked the psychiatrist.
"As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient.
"And when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Oh," said the patient, "when I answer the telephone."

[jimhelm]

Mixed emotions:

When your wife tells you that of all of your friends, your cock is the biggest.

[footfootfoot]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient.
"Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?" asked the psychiatrist.
"As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient.
"And when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Oh," said the patient, "when I answer the telephone."

My late FIL claimed he had a similar exchange during his army physical. He said he heard music in his head. (He was a composer, but he left that part out) They sent him to a shrink who said, They tell me you say you hear music in your head, do you hear anything else?
Yes, I hear voices.
What voices do you hear?
I hear your voice...

The shrink didn't faint, but did roll his eyes, then sent my FIL back.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Math class...

[toranokaze]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Math class...

That is a lie only the pizza can feed a family of four.

[Nirvana]

[Pete Zicato]

Some puns Zing #1 pointed me to:

Why were the indians in America first?
They had reservations.

We had a class trip to the Coke factory.
I knew there would be a pop quiz.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop anytime.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I can't put it down.

But really, jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

[BigV]

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?


















Breathe! BREATHE!!!

[Pete Zicato]

Excellent!

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by BigV

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe! BREATHE!!!

Luvvit!
_________________________

[Nirvana]