Brain Dead

captainhook455 · 09-07-2016, 05:47 PM

Milton Berle once said there are only 960 jokes in the world, but there are a million variations. Here is one.
A man came out of an airport, got a taxi and asked the driver where he can get screwed for $5. They went to a row of brownstone's in town. Go up to the door at the top of the stairs and she will tell you what to do said the cabby. Man knocks on the door and woman inside says what do you want? Man says I want to get screwed for $5. Slip the bill under the door she says. So he is waiting and waiting and knocks on the door again. Voice inside says what do you want? Man says I want to get screwed for $5!! Voice said, what again?!

tarheel

Undertoad · 09-07-2016, 06:26 PM

the old joke

A traveller who is a huge fan of seafood arrives in Boston for the first time. He leaves the airport and hails a cab. After he gets in, he excitedly says to the cabbie, "Hey, I'm new in town. Can you tell me a good place to go to get scrod?" The cabbie replies, "Pal, I've got to congratulate you. I've heard that question a lot over the years, but that's the first time I've ever heard it in the pluperfect subjunctive."

eta some nutkin has posted this joke before

sexobon · 09-07-2016, 06:38 PM

Man sits down in a restaurant.

Waitress asks "What'll you have?"
Man says "I'll have a burger, a HAMburger. Not too big. Not too small. ...In the groove.

Waitress asks "Anything to go with that?"
Man says "I'll have some fries, some FRENCH-fries. Not too long. Not too short. ...In the groove.

Waitress asks "Anything to drink?"
Man says "I'll have a shake, a CHOCOLATE shake. Not to thick. Not too thin. ...In the groove.

Waitress says "Let me see if I got this:

You want a burger, a hamburger, not too big, not too small, in the groove. You want fries, French-fries, not too long, not too short, in the groove. And you want a shake, a chocolate shake, not too thick, not too thin, in the groove. ...

Well kiss my PETOOTIE. Not on the left cheek. Not on the right cheek. In the groove."

captainhook455 · 09-07-2016, 08:29 PM

A brunette was walking along a river. She sees a blonde on the other side of the river and yells how do I get on the other side? The blonde yells back, you are on the other side.

tarheel

Spexxvet · 09-08-2016, 09:51 AM

Sex crime

A 90 year old man was charged with assault with a dead weapon. He was acquitted because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court

captainhook455 · 09-08-2016, 04:44 PM

An old man ran up to a priest and told him that after taking Viagra he had an erection for 3 hrs. Priest said why are you telling me? You are Jewish. Old man said tell you? I am telling everybody.

tarheel

Gravdigr · 09-09-2016, 01:37 PM

An old man goes into the pharmacy and walks up to the counter kinda embarrassed. He asks the pharmacist, in a very low voice, "Do you have Viagra?" The pharmacist replies "Yes sir, we carry Viagra, do you have your prescription?"

The old man says "No, I don't have a prescription." He looks around furtively, and adds "Do you think I could get over the counter?"

The pharmacist looks at him and says "Oh, I don't know, if ya took three or four of them ya might."

captainhook455 · 09-09-2016, 07:10 PM

tarheel

captainhook455 · 09-09-2016, 07:19 PM

A young maiden is cleaning up outside after the Viking party. She hears a voice. I'M THOR ! Oh mighty thunder god I have always wanted to meet you, she says. The booming voice said, I'm not that Thor stupid I'm so sore I can hardly piss.

tarheel

lumberjim · 09-09-2016, 08:36 PM

Clean up, Isle 3

captainhook455 · 09-09-2016, 08:52 PM

................ha................ha..............

tarheel

footfootfoot · 09-13-2016, 08:07 AM

...after a wild bout of viking sex the young maiden moans, "Oh Thor!"

He replies, "You think you're thor, my dick'th about to fall off."

captainhook455 · 09-18-2016, 11:44 AM

A priest and a rabbi were entering a lifeboat on the sinking cruise ship. The priest said, what about the children?
Screw the children, says the rabbi.
The priest said, do you think we have time?

tarheel

Gravdigr · 09-18-2016, 12:30 PM

Two pedophiles were sitting on a park bench when an eight year old girl walks by.

"Did you see the body on her?" says one of the pedos.

The other replied "Yeah, she must've really been something back in her day."

I told you it was awful.

captainhook455 · 09-18-2016, 02:45 PM

A mortician cut the pecker off of every male cadaver that he handled. He put the peckers in a five gallon glass jar of formaldehyde. When the jar was full, he went to a taxidermist. Told the man he wanted him to make something with this five gallon jar of pickled peckers. So a few weeks later the mortician comes back and the man puts a wallet on the counter. What? This is all you could make?! The taxidermist said, you don't understand. All you have to do is rub it a few times and it turns into a suitcase.

tarheel

09-07-2016, 05:47 PM	#1
captainhook455 Rapscallion Join Date: Aug 2016 Posts: 1,357	Brain Dead Milton Berle once said there are only 960 jokes in the world, but there are a million variations. Here is one. A man came out of an airport, got a taxi and asked the driver where he can get screwed for $5. They went to a row of brownstone's in town. Go up to the door at the top of the stairs and she will tell you what to do said the cabby. Man knocks on the door and woman inside says what do you want? Man says I want to get screwed for $5. Slip the bill under the door she says. So he is waiting and waiting and knocks on the door again. Voice inside says what do you want? Man says I want to get screwed for $5!! Voice said, what again?! tarheel

09-08-2016, 09:51 AM	#5
Spexxvet Makes some feel uncomfortable Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 10,346	Sex crime A 90 year old man was charged with assault with a dead weapon. He was acquitted because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court __________________ "I'm certainly free, nay compelled, to spread the gospel of Spex. " - xoxoxoBruce

09-09-2016, 01:37 PM	#7
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	An old man goes into the pharmacy and walks up to the counter kinda embarrassed. He asks the pharmacist, in a very low voice, "Do you have Viagra?" The pharmacist replies "Yes sir, we carry Viagra, do you have your prescription?" The old man says "No, I don't have a prescription." He looks around furtively, and adds "Do you think I could get over the counter?" The pharmacist looks at him and says "Oh, I don't know, if ya took three or four of them ya might." __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

09-09-2016, 08:36 PM	#10
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	Clean up, Isle 3 __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

09-13-2016, 08:07 AM	#12
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	...after a wild bout of viking sex the young maiden moans, "Oh Thor!" He replies, "You think you're thor, my dick'th about to fall off." __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

09-07-2016, 06:26 PM	#2
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	the old joke A traveller who is a huge fan of seafood arrives in Boston for the first time. He leaves the airport and hails a cab. After he gets in, he excitedly says to the cabbie, "Hey, I'm new in town. Can you tell me a good place to go to get scrod?" The cabbie replies, "Pal, I've got to congratulate you. I've heard that question a lot over the years, but that's the first time I've ever heard it in the pluperfect subjunctive." eta some nutkin has posted this joke before

09-07-2016, 06:38 PM	#3
sexobon I love it when a plan comes together. Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 9,793	Man sits down in a restaurant. Waitress asks "What'll you have?" Man says "I'll have a burger, a HAMburger. Not too big. Not too small. ...In the groove. Waitress asks "Anything to go with that?" Man says "I'll have some fries, some FRENCH-fries. Not too long. Not too short. ...In the groove. Waitress asks "Anything to drink?" Man says "I'll have a shake, a CHOCOLATE shake. Not to thick. Not too thin. ...In the groove. Waitress says "Let me see if I got this: You want a burger, a hamburger, not too big, not too small, in the groove. You want fries, French-fries, not too long, not too short, in the groove. And you want a shake, a chocolate shake, not too thick, not too thin, in the groove. ... Well kiss my PETOOTIE. Not on the left cheek. Not on the right cheek. In the groove."

09-07-2016, 08:29 PM	#4
captainhook455 Rapscallion Join Date: Aug 2016 Posts: 1,357	A brunette was walking along a river. She sees a blonde on the other side of the river and yells how do I get on the other side? The blonde yells back, you are on the other side. tarheel

09-08-2016, 04:44 PM	#6
captainhook455 Rapscallion Join Date: Aug 2016 Posts: 1,357	An old man ran up to a priest and told him that after taking Viagra he had an erection for 3 hrs. Priest said why are you telling me? You are Jewish. Old man said tell you? I am telling everybody. tarheel

09-09-2016, 07:10 PM	#8
captainhook455 Rapscallion Join Date: Aug 2016 Posts: 1,357	tarheel

09-09-2016, 07:19 PM	#9
captainhook455 Rapscallion Join Date: Aug 2016 Posts: 1,357	A young maiden is cleaning up outside after the Viking party. She hears a voice. I'M THOR ! Oh mighty thunder god I have always wanted to meet you, she says. The booming voice said, I'm not that Thor stupid I'm so sore I can hardly piss. tarheel

09-09-2016, 08:52 PM	#11
captainhook455 Rapscallion Join Date: Aug 2016 Posts: 1,357	................ha................ha.............. tarheel

09-18-2016, 11:44 AM	#13
captainhook455 Rapscallion Join Date: Aug 2016 Posts: 1,357	A priest and a rabbi were entering a lifeboat on the sinking cruise ship. The priest said, what about the children? Screw the children, says the rabbi. The priest said, do you think we have time? tarheel

09-18-2016, 12:30 PM	#14
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Awful Tasteless Joke Warning Two pedophiles were sitting on a park bench when an eight year old girl walks by. "Did you see the body on her?" says one of the pedos. The other replied "Yeah, she must've really been something back in her day." I told you it was awful. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

09-18-2016, 02:45 PM	#15
captainhook455 Rapscallion Join Date: Aug 2016 Posts: 1,357	A mortician cut the pecker off of every male cadaver that he handled. He put the peckers in a five gallon glass jar of formaldehyde. When the jar was full, he went to a taxidermist. Told the man he wanted him to make something with this five gallon jar of pickled peckers. So a few weeks later the mortician comes back and the man puts a wallet on the counter. What? This is all you could make?! The taxidermist said, you don't understand. All you have to do is rub it a few times and it turns into a suitcase. tarheel

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