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Old 01-13-2004, 10:43 PM   #1
Elspode
I Know I Suck...You Know I Suck...Still Love The Cellar
 
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Humor...I Need Humor...

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Serengeti (of course) sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you
exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix
on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then
opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an
email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data
stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected
Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of
this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page
report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally
turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs an animal into the trunk of his car. Then the
shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my
business. Now give me back my dog."
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Old 01-13-2004, 10:56 PM   #2
plthijinx
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good one, els

kinda wish i'd of subscribed to this when i was married! yeah, right!:p
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Old 01-14-2004, 06:18 PM   #3
xoxoxoBruce
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The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. And, though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three decades.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes, freshly pressed, in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day - any starting time you wish."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the couple. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking fat-free bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago you bitch!"
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Old 01-14-2004, 06:29 PM   #4
SteveDallas
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A woman was at the mall and she walked past the pet store, and there was a big parrot in the window with a sign behind it, "Buy this parrot, only $15.00". She had always wanted a parrot so she walked in and interrogated the owner about why the price was so low. The owner explained, "You see Ma'am, the parrot's previous owner was a prostitute, and she kept the bird at the brothel with her. So he says all kinds of disgusting and inappropriate things, and nobody wants to take him." The woman decided she'd chance it, and bought the bird.

When she got home, the parrot squawked and said, "New house... New madam." The woman chuckled and logged on to the internet to read up on parrot training.

A little while later, her two daughters came home from high school. The parrot squawked and said, "New house... New madam.... new girls..." The woman explained what was going on and they all had a laugh. Then her husband came home, and the parrot squawked and said, "Hi, George."
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Old 01-14-2004, 06:51 PM   #5
plthijinx
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kids...

Mother is driving her little girl to her friends house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."

"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, " ... all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

"Annnnd," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."
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Old 01-14-2004, 07:39 PM   #6
Elspode
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Posted Without Comment

No comment...
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"To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog
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Old 01-14-2004, 08:32 PM   #7
jinx
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Three Nuns get into a car accident and die.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them and says, "Welcome to heaven, sisters, you have led good christian lives, I just have to ask you each one question before I let you in. Margaret, have you ever touched a man's privates?"

Margaret says, " yes, once when I was young, before I joined the Convent."

St Peter produces a basin of holy water and asks Margaret to wash her hands in it before she enters. As Margaret is washing her hands, Mary and Catherine are pushing and shoving each other, fighting over the next spot in line. St Peter breaks them up, and demands to know what the ruccus is about. Catherine says," I want to wash my mouth out before Mary puts her ass in that water!!
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Old 01-14-2004, 09:01 PM   #8
sixfeet
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For elspodes cat pic

This is Mitzy.
Mitzy's owners thought she looked SO cute like this.
Mitzy even smiled for the pictures. (cant you see her smile?)
Mitzy was still smiling when animal control arrived.
Mitzy's owners looked just like the drapes in their living room.
Mitzy is pleading insanity. I think she'll get off. Can you blame her?
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Old 01-14-2004, 09:49 PM   #9
plthijinx
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Re: For elspodes cat pic

Quote:
Originally posted by sixfeet
This is Mitzy.
Mitzy's owners thought she looked SO cute like this.
Mitzy even smiled for the pictures. (cant you see her smile?)
Mitzy was still smiling when animal control arrived.
Mitzy's owners looked just like the drapes in their living room.
Mitzy is pleading insanity. I think she'll get off. Can you blame her?
ahhhhh tequila and boredom, what a concept

whoa! a new tag line???
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Old 01-14-2004, 11:58 PM   #10
Whit
Umm ... yeah.
 
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      There are three types of sex in any long term relationship. House sex, room sex and hall sex.
      House sex is at the beginning of the relationship when things are still really hot and no matter where you are in the house you'll just do it then and there.
      After the relationship matures a little bit you both know when it's time and you head to the bed room. That's when your you're at room sex.
      After you do that for awhile you find yourself having hall sex. That's when you pass each other in the hall and say, "Fuck you."

      Additionaly, some relationships have a fourth type, Court Sex. That's when her lawyer fucks you in front of the judge.
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Old 01-15-2004, 12:01 AM   #11
plthijinx
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Quote:
Originally posted by Whit
[BAdditionaly, some relationships have a fourth type, Court Sex. That's when her lawyer fucks you in front of the judge. [/b]
oh lawd. did you have to remind me? i'm still licking my wounds!!
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Old 01-15-2004, 12:19 AM   #12
Whit
Umm ... yeah.
 
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      Heh, ok then. More on that.
      How's a woman like a tornado? They moan when they come and take the house when they leave!
     Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow job!
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Old 01-15-2004, 08:57 AM   #13
Radar
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Actually I heard it like this....


What do a Tornado and a Marriage have in common?

In the beginning there's a lot of sucking and blowing, but in the end you just lose your house.
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Old 01-15-2004, 09:24 AM   #14
lumberjim
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Three nuns are walking through the park, when out of the bushes, a Flasher leaps. He throws open his trench coat and starts making lewd noises.


The first nun has a stroke.





The second nun also has a stroke.








The third one wouldn't touch it.
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and so it goes
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Old 01-15-2004, 01:31 PM   #15
Radar
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I heard it was 3 old ladies and the third one's arms were too short. Good joke though.


A pirate walks into a bar with the helm (steering wheel) attached to his crotch. The bartender looks at him and says, "Man that looks painful". The Pirate answers..."Arrrrgh, it's driving me nuts!"
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