Divorce

[Deuce]

It's happening. Time is slowing down, I can see where we're headed and I feel powerless to change the inevitable result: a terrible crash, horrible carnage. Years in the making, my self delusion finally all ground away. The pain of being unloved now exceeds the numbing and dumbing power of denial. I cannot decide which I miss more, being loved by others or being deluded by myself. Probably delusion, since that pain is fresher by far; I can't remember the feeling of being loved.

Originally Posted by Bonnie Raitt

I can't make you love me
(M. Reid/A. Shamblin)

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

CHORUS: Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

CHORUS: Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I wish I had taken better note of that night, I can't remember it either. When was the last time? I should have savored it. I can still hear the siren call of ... of ... of whatever it is in me that kept on trying. Liar.

[lizzymahoney]

One partner always knows before the other. I suppose it's possible for both to recognize simultaneously that the relationships is doomed. It's never been that way for me or for anyone I've known.

I love that song. It speaks to me of too many failed affairs of the heart. I usually felt that loss before my partner, though.

It's hard to say who loves more, but love is a two way street. It's not just another platitude popularized by song. Sometimes, I think always, I loved more and harder and completely, and I was prepared for my lover to not be able to love with that kind of ferocity. My pain over a failed relationship usually started well before we would part. I would think each time that my partner knew it was coming, because I would point out each drop of blood I shed in sorrow. Still, each lover was astonished, shocked, and hurt by my perceived capriciousness.

Take time, time to let the blood flow, time to feel the bittersweet pangs, time to touch the memories you'll fold away for months or years. It will get better. Different, certainly. You can shape your future.

[lumberjim]

feeling unloved begins with a lack of self love.

[Aliantha]

Maybe it's time to start talking about where things are going...out in the open Deuce.

If it's over, then I say go for the clean break. Don't wallow too long. You'll come out looking like a prune.

We're here for you if you need us.

[Deuce]

A handful of counseling sessions... Not actual progress, but more like an explanation of the brochure about the road to progress.

I thought, no, I distinctly remember seeing examples of actual progress this week. I got a couple of calls, inbound calls, about stuff. Important stuff, but the progress I felt was centered in the fact that I received the calls. W was connecting with me. Never mind the fact that the subject of the call was that our child, YS, was assaulted at school, and that we had to call the police and file a report.

Another call was about another child of ours, OS, progress in school, and the developments and changes that will mean in the fall. All good news, that call.

And even yesterday, there was another exchange that showed movement toward me. W would meet and YS at the park. Good news!

Again, this morning, when I said "Good morning" I got a reply. Don't mock. That's an improvement. But I read it wrong.

I found out that the bad day yesterday wasn't about work "I can't talk about it" but about us. Feeling *trapped*. Pressured. Cornered. There were lots of tears this morning. W had cried self to sleep. What a blockhead to misread so badly.

But the interactions have been nice. My bad. W says they're trapped by me because I know that W doesn't have the resources, $7000, to get the divorce, and that I should just file!!! Shouting at me. I don't want to file. I want to stay married.

I'm getting a little ahead of myself. I opened this thread and included this:

The pain of being unloved now exceeds the numbing and dumbing power of denial.

At the beginning of the month, I reached this conclusion, my own personal tipping point.

[yesman065]

Hey Deuce - any update? How are things??

Sorry man.
Can't know how you are feeling because every relationship is it's own person.
But know that I, and others here, do care and are thinking of you and want the best for you.
Even if that means getting through this very hard time and coming out better for it.
Does not feel like that now, I know.
It may not ever.
But I want you to know that I wish it to.

Can't find the lyrics to Unknown Hinson's Venus Bound.
It's on his website.

[Cicero]

My husband asked for a divorce....I think my brain exploded. I'm at work but I'm not sure if I am still functioning. Hopefully I look normal.......or maybe it's just too obvious when your brain has exploded.

[Uisge Beatha]

Oh, Cicero, I'm so sorry to hear that. Take it a step at a time and your brain will catch up. I hope your heart will be able to do so soon, as well.

[Cicero]

Originally Posted by Uisge Beatha

Oh, Cicero, I'm so sorry to hear that. Take it a step at a time and your brain will catch up. I hope your heart will be able to do so soon, as well.

It's our 1 year anniversary today. Holy Crap!.....yep....just acting normal.....
I bet people can tell when others are trying really hard not to completely lose it and look like they still have it completely together. Yeah, I think they look sillier. Even more abnormal.
Yep, that's me right now. I am that person.

[yesman065]

OMG - I'm so sorry to hear that - I've been going through my own situation too. My thoughts & prayers are with you.

[Cicero]

It wouldn't be so bad if he weren't so excited about it. Running around like he has a new lease on life....already? Can't he just look grim about things not working out?
WTF?!?
I'm not that bad no matter how you slice it......
I guess he just wants his freedom back, I don't know...All the reasons he's giving me sound like bullshit excuses.
I'm going to tell him no until I figure out whether or not he has absolutely lost his mind.
Sorry for venting...........thanks guys.

[kerosene]

Wow, Cicero, I am so sorry. PM me if you ever want to chat about it.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Sorry to hear that Cicero. From what you say about his behavior, it sounds like he's been mulling this for a while and finally made up his mind. The longer it's taken to come to a decision, the more it would seem like a new lease on life. It's like finishing that exam, you've been dreading and had nothing else on your mind, for what seems like forever. Even if you failed, at least it's over.

The $64 question...is there someone else?

[Cicero]

Alrighty- telling him no worked..... I told him we were also going to continue on with our anniversary arrangements that I made and he needed to be suited up and ready to go. Can you believe it?
Now he's pleased as punch with me again. Did I pull a Jedi mind trick or something? That probably only worked cuz he was full of it and didn't really want to do it.....I don't know.....
weird.
Sometimes I feel like some men never grow up.
Thanks everybody!
It helps to shout into the void sometimes and have something useful echo back.