Suicide

[deepandchilled03]

I'm a very new dweller here, but have lurked here for years now. I wanted to start a topic on suicide. Who here has experienced it as a victim of a relative, friend, lover, etc? Also who has contemplated it?

I suffer from depression pretty badly. All of my life. I take medication and the typical stuff, I've had drug problems in the past in trying to escape it, etc. I came close to commiting suicide once, it was more of a cry for help then actually trying. I'm a very laid-back, good humored guy. I used to have extreme self-esteem issues, but over came them a few years ago. And now I'am actually a very outgoing and social person. I've made great progress in dealing with it. It's just that I easily get dragged into this hell hole if things go even slightly wrong. It sucks guys, to put it very simple.

I do think about suicide still, quite often. But its more of an escape for the mind then anything. When that dark cloud of depression engulfs me, thinking about suicide gives you a sense of hope that there is a way out. However, I know at this point in my life I would not actually go through with it. I have a 3 1/2 year-old son, and he his my main focus and my life. I'm 25 btw.

I've been having a real tough time lately, I want to talk about it, and everyone here seems very open-minded.

[BrianR]

I lost my first wife in November, 1987. I spent a lot of time deep in a black hole and thought about suicide too.

Obviously, I did not do it.

But I know how you must feel. Talking helps, believe me.

Brian

[deepandchilled03]

Your a very strong person Brian, and very impressed with your strength to endure something on that level. I'm very that your still with us.

[Sperlock]

I've contemplated it before. It really all began in college and I scared someone enough to where I was eventually taken to the hospital's psychology ward. That was pretty much the shock to my system that I needed and I started climbing out of it (on my own, even though they wanted give me drugs for it, when a chemical imbalance was hardly the problem). I've done much better over the years, to the point where it is rare for me to get depressed. I must admit though that this weekend was particularly rough on me and I started contemplating it again. I'm better now, but am very wary about it coming back. I'm 28, btw.

[deepandchilled03]

Does your depression and/or suicidal thoughts brought on by situations or for no reason?

My depression is started by either one, mostly for no reason. Thanks for the reply, talking helps me so much.

[slang]

[ humorous ] When I think about what my life was like before the "recession" and what it is now, I really feel like killing *someone* (with a desk drawer handle and a roll of wheat pennies) but not myself. [ /portion ]

I usta think about suicide when I drank alot. Yes, I know you think I drink a lot now. That's what everybody thinks. I only have <B>a</B> beer about twice a year now. The reduction in consumption has helped tremendously.

I can't remember the exact day I decided to quit, but I did enjoy being piss drunk every weekend for quite some time. I was really good at it too. I don't think there was an event, no dui, loss of job, fight or anything, I just saw the complete lack of progress in the things that I wanted to do. And I was always depressed.

Now days I see not a complete lack of progress, but an incredibly *slow* progress. (slang is depressing himself whist attempting to be vulnerable and uplifting to the new member)

So anyway, humor is my new therapy. Humor is not prescribed by some doc that asks me how I feel about my mother. It's not detrimental to the liver, or the brain. It's legal 24 hours a day in all states (cept Mass), and I can use it anywhere. Are my jokes and skits funny? *I don't care*, they are more for me than anyone else.

How does one develop a sense of humor? I dont really know. What I do is attempt to exaggerate situations to an extreme to make them funny. I am a paraody of myself. When I do something that I think *might* be funny, I take it to an extreme to make it more ridiculous. This helps me cope through laughter.

Thousands of people in this area carry weapons for personal protection (and to show off cool handguns to their friends) That in itself isn't funny. I carry 3 handguns and 80 rounds of ammo. When you see me, you might think "does that guy have a stick up his ass.....or is he carrying some type of bazooka rocket under his jacket?" That's funny. (**may not be appropriate for everyone....possibly a bad example**)

I look for humor in everything I do. I need it. Without it I'd be twitching in the corner of some day room , drooling all over myself, wondering if maybe I should have taken the blue pill.

Another thing I find as an <b>e</B>ffective anti-depressant is searching out hapless bastards in *more* dire straights than me. This may seem insensitive , but I've found it to also be very comforting knowing there are so many more people that have it worse than me. It *is* getting harder to find these people since I started my new shitjob, but you may find the technique useful.

[God]

I will assign another angel to your case deepandchilled03. Though you may not be a believer in the church I assure you *I* am real and I do give a rats ass about you and the others (even the liberals )

You have no idea what your future holds. Your life may very well be something you cannot possibly dream of now, in 3 or 5 years. Plus the fact that the happenstances of human interaction often grow into wonderful things.

Anyway, I have pizza coming.

Good things are possible for you, and *someone* you don't even know at this time will help you and you them, in the near future.

Til then , hang out and have a good pizza.

[deepandchilled03]

Thanks for taking time out of your Pizza eating God and getting another angel on the job for me. Your the best. One more then before your pizza gets cold, could she look like Aria Giovanni? Is she was my angel, I would have heaven right there.


Ahhh... Aria Giovanni my goddess.

[deepandchilled03]

I totally agree with you Slang. I use to drink hardcore every weekend, huge binges. I would look forward to it everytime. The goal was suppose to go out and hook up with hotties, but always, always turned into getting hammered for three days straight.

Once I stopped that I was much better, but then I fell into a pot and ecstacy, but kicked the immediatly. My last vice was the evil Vicodin. That took forever to kick. Damn it was tough.

Humor is my biggest gun against depression as well. I take things that are funny to me and take them to the Nth degree. You have to really know me to understand my humor sometimes.

Well if you need someone new, take a look at me for awhile. I would be more then happy to be your new degenerate to be looked down upon. Anything to help a fellow dwellar.

If I haven't mentioned already, I'm a horrible speller.

[God]

Don't push it bub.

[deepandchilled03]

I understand my holy father. BTW, <motions to face with hand> you got a little holy sauce the corner of your mouth. :p

[tw]

Originally posted by deepandchilled03
I've been having a real tough time lately, I want to talk about it, and everyone here seems very open-minded.

Tough as in how? Tough getting out of bed? Tough because you hate your job? Tough because times are difficult and money is short? Tough because you are always so miserable no matter what you are doing?

I assume you know when its time to seek treatment again. Or is that what you are asking about? I'm not sure if you are just asking to share, or whether you are seeking some better solution, or whether this is an understated request for help?

Do you also have a friend that can tell you how your really are? Usually the last person to see depression is the depressed person - which is why treatment does not start until that good friend says Now.

[wolf]

Deep, I appreciate your sharing your experiences. One of the most important things for folks who are depressed to do is to reach out to others. Of course, one of the bad parts of the disease is, of course, the tendency to isolate ones' self, as well as to think that there IS no out. There usually is, but the tunnel-vision that's often a part of depression doesn't allow one to see that.

My life has been touched by suicide numerous times (I'll explain that in a little bit), closely twice

My father committed suicide while I was in college. We were not actively involved in each others lives at that point ... he was in Chicago, my mother, sister, and I were here in PA, where we had moved after my parent's divorce in the early 70s.

My best friend committed suicide almost one year ago (2/28/02). This was very difficult for me. He was an older gentleman, had retired from his job (under circumstances that are usually described as "under a cloud" ... He was a psychologist and had had an 'inappropriate' relationship with a client). Really great guy, bright, interesting, full of energy. I spent a lot of the last three weeks of his life with him. We sat and talked for hours. Everyone I worked with was aware of the possibility that he would end his own life. We were watching him like a hawk. The firearms had been removed from his home (with his agreement). I was very attuned to his moods, his thoughts ... and within every contact with him I was looking for the cues that he might be depressed and even possibly suicidal.

There wasn't a single one. Neither I, nor anyone else in contact with him picked up on it. If there had been any signs or clues, I promise you we would have seen them, and acted on it.

He purchased a gun, sent me a suicide note via email, went into his basement and shot himself. The timeline reconstructed in the police investigation appeared to indicate that he probably completed the suicide no more than a few minutes after sending the email.

Since you're new here, you probably don't yet know what I do. I'm a suicide hotline counsellor and mental health commitment officer. And I'm damn good at what I do.

It was a very rough time for a very long while, but I have a lot of really wonderful people to thank for helping me through that experience. (we were all pretty shell-shocked, actually. There were no fewer than 6 mental health professionals in contact with him ... actively looking for even the smallest hint that something might be up. He fooled ALL of us.)

The timing on your posting was kind of interesting for me. I've of course been thinking of my friend a lot lately, remembering what he meant in my life, but not dwelling on his departure from it.

Good luck to you. Be well. And don't hesitate to reach out for help when you need it. (that goes for anyone reading this, actually).

[Griff]

Suicidal thoughts were an almost constant companion during my teenage years. There was no rational basis for them, by almost any yardstick I had a good home-life etc... As I got to my late teens early twenties my moods began to separate a bit. I'd have a shorter more intense depression rather than what seems now to have been a constant cloud during my mid-teen years. At some point, I decided that I would never kill myself. I decided that if my life were not worth living, I'd just change lives. I doubt that approach would work for folks with deeper depression than I had, but it was good enough for me, back then. I used to savor my darker times, resisting angrily anyone trying to pull me out of it. As you might guess, it was hell on my love life, I really feel bad about the relationships that got the axe, for no apparent reason.

My wife was able to ride out my ugly times, which lead me to a deeper appreciation of her. I've made it my mission not to live a life which reinforces the dark clouds. It has gotten a lot better especially with the addition of more careful diet and exercise, and occasional reflection on my blessings.
take care,

Griff

[juju]

Y'know, Griff, it's scary how close your description fits my life. Nearly every sentence you wrote fits me exactly. I feel like <b>I</b> wrote it.

Except for the part about the woman -- I had to get confidence and respect for myself before I had the guts to talk to a member of the opposite sex. I did have the whole mood separation thing, though. I would just get these spells every so often where this weird mood would come over me. I was sad -- but I liked it. It felt good. I would isolate myself during these times, not talk to anyone, and just be completely in bliss in my .. whatever it was. Very weird and hard to explain. It's almost like I knew that I had to be darkly depressed in order to be able to experience true joy later. Like one was feeding the other.

Now, I don't get depressed today, but that's <i>only</i> because of 15 years of dedicated mental, emotional, and philosophical foundation-building.


I know I'm straying off-topic here, but allow me to submit that it's <b>all</b> because of those fuckers in jr. high and high school.

Don't think a high percentage of the people you pick on will bring a gun to school and shoot you? What percentage do you think will shoot themselves? And what percentage do you think will hate themselves forever?

I asked my wife once what she thought of homeschooling (not that I'm for or against it -- we discuss all kinds of things). She stated that she thought that high school was essential for building social skills. She explained that being around all those people all the time teaches you how to deal with people and be sociable, and you just can't learn that at home.

What a crock! All high school does -- if you're in my class of personality -- is destroy your will to live and rape your self-respect. High school taught me to never speak to anyone. It was only after I got out that I learned to be sociable. She and I won't ever agree on this, of course. And I totally respect her views. Hell, I'm wrong half the time anyway. But I really don't get her position, because school was just as bad for her, yet she still thinks it taught her how to deal with people. Sure, but only if your view of humanity is very dark.