How do you deal

[orthodoc]

with the reality a grown child throws at you ...

With the reality of how awful a childhood was, how much trauma it caused? Whether caused by a father who went off the rails and became a monster for a number of years ... whether caused by a church that was too strict, too unforgiving, too unaccepting.

In the end, it's all at my door. There are mitigating circumstances, but then there are always mitigating circumstances. I don't feel up to mustering the argument. I am responsible for my actions and inactions.

My oldest son is upset and has withdrawn since my remarriage. My third son really doesn't understand, although he tries. He's very articulate, though, and makes clear how terrible the trauma was.

I don't have anything in self-defense except the old chestnut that we don't know what we'll do, or feel, in a situation until faced with it. We can talk all we want but it doesn't mean a thing. It turns out that, having divorced my husband, been abruptly abandoned by a new friend, and having taken on a new job in a new state where I knew no one ... I didn't want to face cancer and death alone.

I had so many nightmares of being lowered into the ground in a wooden box, screaming and pounding on the lid. I didn't sleep for months. So I finally texted my ex and asked for his help. I hadn't been able to arrange the basic surgery needed to figure out what stage of cancer I had. I was falling apart.

I know Bruce and others warned about what was likely to happen, and it did happen. But it's not so easy to get comprehensive home care and everything you need to cope with four drains and night fevers and visual catastrophes for weeks and months on end. After every chemo treatment I knew what it was to feel death coming on. I'd be so exhausted that I'd lie in bed and I couldn't feel my hands, arms, or legs. I'd try to put my cell phone onto the night table and I couldn't do it because I couldn't feel my hands, even though I could see the phone cradled in my right hand as it lay on my chest.

I don't know what would have happened then without help, although I know I wouldn't have managed to continue working. I suppose I'm that person who will do what it takes to survive even though she becomes a despicable object.

I can't think of my past life without wanting to kill myself. I don't know what the future holds. I can't escape the fact that, in spite of having done everything in my power to save and sustain and empower my children, they are permanently traumatized and struggle daily due to their history.

I put one foot in front of the other. I'm not sure for what, anymore. I do it. Maybe in future I'll regret this, too.

eta I am trying to find courage. I look at Barbara Brenner and Ann Silberman and I conjure up courage. But during the night it slips away.

[ZenGum]

*Don't know what to say, but acknowledging*

[limey]

You did this "everything in my power to save and sustain and empower my children". You made the best decisions you could at the time, with the information you had available to you.
Please do not blame yourself for consequences that you could not foresee and are not of your making. You did your best, and you still are.
Hugs to you.

[DanaC]

You could have got it all right, and them still have been traumatised by childhood. You could have got it all wrong and them turn out well-balanced and happy.

My mum used to wrap herself up in guilt that somehow, maybe because she didn't breastfeed with me (that was touted as the reason for half a dozen illnesses during the 80s and 90s) she was ultimately responsible for me having horrendous eczema.

Like Limes said: you did what you could, made the best decisions you could make, with the resources at your disposal and within your capacity at the time.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Tell the spoiled brats to suck it up and see if they can do better with their lives, rather than hiding behind a childhood that 90% of the people in the world would have given anything for.

Oh, life wasn't perfect, boo fuckin' hoo. You want a perfect life, go make one.

[orthodoc]

I'm sorry. I get overwhelmed by guilt at times and I feel like I've gotten all my major life decisions wrong. I'm still struggling with the implications of my illness for the future. I'll pull it back together and carry on, but nights are hard. I'm sorry to keep losing my composure - it's embarrassing. But thank you for being here. I appreciate it.

[DanaC]

Don't be sorry. You didn't lose your composure, you just offloaded some shit that was knocking you off your stride.

I guess, from stuff you've said, that you don't always think of yourself as strong. But, y'know, you impress the fuck out of me on a daily basis with your strength and resilience.


[eta] Y'know, I think guilt is something all parents have to deal with. Not just parents. I swear I can still make myself cry with guilt over the stuff I got wrong with my Pilaudog.

[footfootfoot]

What Bruce said and and as for you, cut out the 'woulda coulda shoulda' crap. The past is gone, doesn't exist. The future will never arrive, it doesn't exist either. There is just this moment. You decide how you want to live it, you decide how to combust your life, moment by moment.

[footfootfoot]

Practice being present in this moment because that is who you are, you are not the person who made good or bad decisions 20 years ago or even 20 minutes ago. You are who you decide you are going to be right this second. then the next second, and the next...

[orthodoc]

I've really been trying to internalize the concept of living in the moment, not worrying about the past or the future. Easier said than done but trying.

I agree with what you say about guilt in parents/caregivers, Dana. We all feel it at some point.

[Chocolatl]

Originally Posted by orthodoc

I can't escape the fact that, in spite of having done everything in my power to save and sustain and empower my children, they are permanently traumatized and struggle daily due to their history.

This is my mother's story, my story.

Yes, my childhood sucked.
Yes, I've got some baggage from it.

We all do, to differing extents. As others have said, you did what you could, where you were, with what you had. Though your children are tempted to ask for more, that chapter is done and there is nothing you can do to rewrite it now.

For yourself, I'd say to be honest -- you need help and companionship, and this situation works for you. You can be sorry that they don't agree with the choice, but they cannot make the choice for you.

For them: your past does not define you. It might have informed who you are, but the only one in control of your adult life is you. You can grieve over the idyllic childhood you wish you'd had, then put your big boy panties on and go build a life for yourself that you are happy with.

Wishing you peace and comfort, ortho. I hope nights become easier for you soon.

[Lamplighter]

Ortho, as a physician, you've influenced and improved the
lives of many other people, but you haven't spoken much about that.
If you feel you just must lay some guilt on yourself, then I think
you just must balance it off by the good you have already done.

Of course, I don't at all believe a guilt trip is necessary in the first place.
As a parent and g-parent, long ago I said to myself that my work was done.
My kids turned out as they did as a result of thousands of influences.
I'm satisfied I made the best decisions I could at the time,
and I suspect you did too.

Besides, grand-kids are good to look forward to, and any negatives
about them can be laid at the feet of the "parent-in-law"

If you physical well-being allows it, any physical activity,
including seeing patients again, can be an initial treatment
for depressed feelings and all the other woes of the world.

My best wishes for a speedy recovery...

[Clodfobble]

You know, my stepdaughter once commented to me, "Well, I'll never make that mistake," and I told her, "No, that's right--you'll make brand new mistakes of your own that we never made."

You may find that your sons forgive you more after they've had their own kids. It always looks so easy from the outside, and especially as a young adult who still thinks they know everything about the world, but...

[orthodoc]

Thank you. It's true, what you all say. Tonight I'll avoid long talks with adult children and just practice breathing.

[xoxoxoBruce]

A couple years ago I found I had some childhood baggage I didn't even realize I was dragging. When I found it existed, I started to examine it and wanted to kick my own ass for harboring such childish and unfair resentments against my parents.

What my folks accomplished in their lifetimes was astounding, and I resented not always getting my way. It's embarrassing.