Need advice for a friend, quick! - Page 3

Lady Sidhe · 12-17-2003, 07:51 PM

>>I gave some sound and intelligent advice for someone who genuinely wanted advice, but it seems like all you've been doing is trying to convince us that a man who is concerned for his wife's health is wrong by having coffee with another person who happens to be a female.

First of all, I told you that I thought your advice was good. I also said that she'd tried a lot of it. She's still trying.

He is having coffee with a woman he promised to stop hanging around with, AFTER his wife told him that it made her uncomfortable. A woman who, whether he has designs or not, is definitely after him.

>>If she doesn't trust him, she should leave. If she does, than act like a normal person and don't spaz out because he has coffee with someone. If he hit on someone in the past it doesn't matter. Maybe he was drunk? In the end it doesn't matter if he looks at the menu, or even smells the food as long as he doesn't order anything. Heck, he could even order it as long as he doesn't eat it.

He doesn't drink at ALL. He hit on his wife's best friend a year after they got married. It's one thing to look at the menu, it's another thing to wear the food on your arm.

I'm not choosing sides. I'm just reporting what I see and what they both tell me. I'm sorry, though, it IS wrong to choose another woman over your wife, which is, in effect, what he's doing, because his "friendship" with this girl seems to be more important than his relationship with his wife. Instead of indicating that her concerns are important to him, he's basically saying that they mean nothing to him.

She's not telling him he can't have female friends. He has a lot of female friends who don't bother her at all. As a matter of fact, because of his past, he's got an assload of female friends. But they don't hang on him and spend every spare moment with him. They don't ask him to relay to them private conversations that his wife has had with him. They don't hide their faces when they see his wife's friends. She's asking him to stop seeing a woman who obviously has designs on him and who makes her uncomfortable. And he'd told her he would...then saw her behind his wife's back. You can't possibly think that's right. I don't hear very many people saying he's at any kind of fault. In fact it seems that people are feeling sorry for him, when HE'S the one who's breaking his promises to HER.

He claimed that he hung around with this girl because his wife wouldn't loosen up, but when she did, and after he agreed to stop hanging out with this girl, HE DIDN'T. The issue is that he doesn't care enough about his wife's feelings to stop doing something that makes her uncomfortable and is obviously causing her severe emotional distress. It's about being there for the person you claim to love. It's about showing that you love them by keeping your promises. A lot of you seem to think it's ok that a married man hit on his wife's best friend, ok that he spends time with a woman he promised to stop seeing...I don't understand that. It's not ok for a married person to be touchy-feely with someone else, especially if they know it bothers their SO.

I have to agree with OnyxCougar. He's out of line, but this woman is out of line just as much. Her behavior with another woman's husband is inappropriate. I have a lot of male friends, but not once have I hung on them. I'm married, and I don't think that a married person should be that familiar with someone other than their SO. I'm a firm believer in "to love and cherish, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, forsaking all others, till death do you part." Those aren't just words. They mean something.

I haven't given her any advice, but she does read these posts. They give her something to think about and consider, and she thanks you all for the ideas you're putting forth.

Sidhe

lumberjim · 12-18-2003, 12:37 AM

lady s,

i confess to not reading your last two posts, since you have been repeating yourself in lengthy fashion.....repeatedly.

so...from where i jumped ahead....

here's the deal: he is immature, and attempting to escape from the misery in his life. she's depressed, and in his mind represents whats wrong with his life. she's like an anchor around his neck. he just wants to be a boy again. and he will be. the red head strokes his ego, and talks about things that carry no emotional baggage for him. its fantasy.

and you can bet that she's playing his skin flute. he would have porked the friend too...count on it.

he's on the way out, and she needs to realize it quickly, and start getting over him. this jealousy/trust/control spiral will not get better....it may lapse for periods of time, but as i said in my initial response.....better now than later.

one question, tho......how much weight has your friend gained since the wedding?

staceyv · 12-18-2003, 01:13 AM

i sympathize with your friend and i don't think she is overreacting. if my husband hit on one of my friends and then i found out he was hanging out with another women and had her arm around his, i'd be very upset and rightfully so. some of the guys on here are saying that's innocent. oh, please. she's "eye candy" to him, like he says and she's got the red hair and big chest that he likes, yeah, i bet it's innocent. my husband doesn't hang around any other woman. he always asks me if i want to go with him when he visits his friends and he even told me his e-mail password...he has nothing to hide and after reading about this girl's asshole husband, i am really really grateful to have such a good one. the jerk she's with reminds me of my first husband-and he cheated a lot and admitted to it all AFTER i left him.

Lady Sidhe · 12-18-2003, 01:27 PM

lumberjim:

She hasn't gained any weight since they've been married. She's always weighed between 100-112 lbs. This other girl is kinda chunky, though.

Sidhe

Lady Sidhe · 12-18-2003, 01:30 PM

And btw, the wife's 5'8", so that makes her slender.

Sidhe

lumberjim · 12-18-2003, 01:36 PM

JUST CHECKING

with as shitty as he is treating her, and given the depression that can often lead to binge eating and self loathing, i figured she might have porked up a bit. not that that would be justification for him to treat her wrong.

Lady Sidhe · 12-18-2003, 02:12 PM

Nah...when she gets depressed, she stops eating and ends up losing weight. She probably doesn't weigh a hundred pounds right now.

Sidhe

lumberjim · 12-18-2003, 02:17 PM

well, maybe THAT'S it....is he a "chubby chaser"?

Lady Sidhe · 12-18-2003, 02:21 PM

Not by history. Just a guy who gets in trouble with redheads with big boobs, by his own admission. That's why she's so upset and worried. Then again, I look at it this way...she was thin when he married her....

Sidhe

warch · 12-18-2003, 02:29 PM

Well, four years is a long time to be married.

Lady Sidhe · 12-18-2003, 02:43 PM

Well, he DID agree to the "til death do us part" part of the wedding ceremony, and isn't marriage SUPPOSED to be forever? They dated for almost three years before they got married, and they'd known each other for three years before that.

Sidhe

warch · 12-18-2003, 02:50 PM

Nah. That's rare.

ladysycamore · 12-18-2003, 07:00 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Lady Sidhe
I just think it's a shame. He wants her to get rid of all of her friends, but he won't give up this girl...

Fuck that dumb shit. What's good for the goose and all that...

Quote:

these two used to be so good together....everyone was jealous of them. They were like two trippy peas in a far-out pod, to quote scooby-doo, but now he won't talk to her, doesn't seem to care about how she feels, and seems to have a double standard for their behavoir (for example, he says they don't have enough money for bills, yet he'll buy an $80 wireless keyboard and mouse, which he doesn't need, but when she buys a pack of cigarettes, she's "pissing away money." He just spent $50, AFTER telling her they were out of money, for two marathon LOTR movie tickets....he said it was for THEM, so they could do something together....but she ended up not being able to go because they couldn't get a babysitter....he went by himself, with a bunch of his friends, including two ex girlfriends, and left her behind at home....so much for it being for THEM, something they could do TOGETHER.) He hangs out with his friends at least twice a week, doesn't come home till one or two in the morning, but he begrudges her time with her friends....yet he never invites her anywhere.

Damn, this is madness. I'd have to leave him...or I'd be on his ass everyday about that shit.

Well, ultimately, it's her choice, and having a kid certainly doesn't make things any easier. I think I'd have to agree with those that have said to just be there for your friend, whatever decision she decides to make.

ladysycamore · 12-18-2003, 07:33 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by OnyxCougar
Wow. Alot of information. And a situation that can be fixed.

If what you say is really what is going on, then she needs to dump him, now.

He's crossed the line. If my husband ever allowed another woman to "hang on his arm" (and it wasn't a family member), then he has no respect for me.

Period.

If my husband EVER propositioned a woman, EVER... he has no respect for me. Whether he was "playing" or not. What kind of man propositions another woman? A single one.

Dump him, and dump him quick.

It is NEVER ok to "proposition" anyone when you are married. If you don't mean it, what kind of person does that make you? Either (a) you're "testing" the person your propositioning, which is bullshit or (b) you're deliberatly leading them on without intention to follow through.

Either way you're an asshole.

Oh yeah, I could go on for hours.

He's a creep. Whether he started that way or not is irrelevant. She needs to cut her losses and get with a man she can trust, cuz this relationship is over.

Yeah....what SHE said!!!

Especially about the proposition..."Oh, I just wanted to get it out of my system". Bitch, you should have done that B.E.F.O.R.E. you decided to get married!!!

Sounds like he just wants to get out of the marriage because he no longer wants to deal with a woman with depression. If that's the case, then IMO, he's a goddamned coward and a punk.

Undertoad · 12-18-2003, 07:42 PM

The urge here for everyone is to label one party or the other "good" or "bad" -- "at fault" or "not at fault" -- and then to assume that if one is one, then t'other is t'other.

Did we not learn from McCartney and Wonder?

There is good and bad in everyone.

We learn to live, we learn to give each other what we need to survive.

Together alive! Everybody now!

12-17-2003, 07:51 PM	#31
Lady Sidhe That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.... Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Hammond, La. Posts: 978	>>I gave some sound and intelligent advice for someone who genuinely wanted advice, but it seems like all you've been doing is trying to convince us that a man who is concerned for his wife's health is wrong by having coffee with another person who happens to be a female. First of all, I told you that I thought your advice was good. I also said that she'd tried a lot of it. She's still trying. He is having coffee with a woman he promised to stop hanging around with, AFTER his wife told him that it made her uncomfortable. A woman who, whether he has designs or not, is definitely after him. >>If she doesn't trust him, she should leave. If she does, than act like a normal person and don't spaz out because he has coffee with someone. If he hit on someone in the past it doesn't matter. Maybe he was drunk? In the end it doesn't matter if he looks at the menu, or even smells the food as long as he doesn't order anything. Heck, he could even order it as long as he doesn't eat it. He doesn't drink at ALL. He hit on his wife's best friend a year after they got married. It's one thing to look at the menu, it's another thing to wear the food on your arm. I'm not choosing sides. I'm just reporting what I see and what they both tell me. I'm sorry, though, it IS wrong to choose another woman over your wife, which is, in effect, what he's doing, because his "friendship" with this girl seems to be more important than his relationship with his wife. Instead of indicating that her concerns are important to him, he's basically saying that they mean nothing to him. She's not telling him he can't have female friends. He has a lot of female friends who don't bother her at all. As a matter of fact, because of his past, he's got an assload of female friends. But they don't hang on him and spend every spare moment with him. They don't ask him to relay to them private conversations that his wife has had with him. They don't hide their faces when they see his wife's friends. She's asking him to stop seeing a woman who obviously has designs on him and who makes her uncomfortable. And he'd told her he would...then saw her behind his wife's back. You can't possibly think that's right. I don't hear very many people saying he's at any kind of fault. In fact it seems that people are feeling sorry for him, when HE'S the one who's breaking his promises to HER. He claimed that he hung around with this girl because his wife wouldn't loosen up, but when she did, and after he agreed to stop hanging out with this girl, HE DIDN'T. The issue is that he doesn't care enough about his wife's feelings to stop doing something that makes her uncomfortable and is obviously causing her severe emotional distress. It's about being there for the person you claim to love. It's about showing that you love them by keeping your promises. A lot of you seem to think it's ok that a married man hit on his wife's best friend, ok that he spends time with a woman he promised to stop seeing...I don't understand that. It's not ok for a married person to be touchy-feely with someone else, especially if they know it bothers their SO. I have to agree with OnyxCougar. He's out of line, but this woman is out of line just as much. Her behavior with another woman's husband is inappropriate. I have a lot of male friends, but not once have I hung on them. I'm married, and I don't think that a married person should be that familiar with someone other than their SO. I'm a firm believer in "to love and cherish, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, forsaking all others, till death do you part." Those aren't just words. They mean something. I haven't given her any advice, but she does read these posts. They give her something to think about and consider, and she thanks you all for the ideas you're putting forth. Sidhe __________________ My free will...I never leave home without it. --House Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. -Rita Rudner

12-18-2003, 12:37 AM	#32
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	lady s, i confess to not reading your last two posts, since you have been repeating yourself in lengthy fashion.....repeatedly. so...from where i jumped ahead.... here's the deal: he is immature, and attempting to escape from the misery in his life. she's depressed, and in his mind represents whats wrong with his life. she's like an anchor around his neck. he just wants to be a boy again. and he will be. the red head strokes his ego, and talks about things that carry no emotional baggage for him. its fantasy. and you can bet that she's playing his skin flute. he would have porked the friend too...count on it. he's on the way out, and she needs to realize it quickly, and start getting over him. this jealousy/trust/control spiral will not get better....it may lapse for periods of time, but as i said in my initial response.....better now than later. one question, tho......how much weight has your friend gained since the wedding? __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

12-18-2003, 01:27 PM	#34
Lady Sidhe That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.... Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Hammond, La. Posts: 978	lumberjim: She hasn't gained any weight since they've been married. She's always weighed between 100-112 lbs. This other girl is kinda chunky, though. Sidhe __________________ My free will...I never leave home without it. --House Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. -Rita Rudner

12-18-2003, 01:30 PM	#35
Lady Sidhe That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.... Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Hammond, La. Posts: 978	And btw, the wife's 5'8", so that makes her slender. Sidhe __________________ My free will...I never leave home without it. --House Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. -Rita Rudner

12-18-2003, 01:36 PM	#36
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	JUST CHECKING with as shitty as he is treating her, and given the depression that can often lead to binge eating and self loathing, i figured she might have porked up a bit. not that that would be justification for him to treat her wrong. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

12-18-2003, 01:13 AM	#33
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	i sympathize with your friend and i don't think she is overreacting. if my husband hit on one of my friends and then i found out he was hanging out with another women and had her arm around his, i'd be very upset and rightfully so. some of the guys on here are saying that's innocent. oh, please. she's "eye candy" to him, like he says and she's got the red hair and big chest that he likes, yeah, i bet it's innocent. my husband doesn't hang around any other woman. he always asks me if i want to go with him when he visits his friends and he even told me his e-mail password...he has nothing to hide and after reading about this girl's asshole husband, i am really really grateful to have such a good one. the jerk she's with reminds me of my first husband-and he cheated a lot and admitted to it all AFTER i left him.

12-18-2003, 02:12 PM	#37
Lady Sidhe That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.... Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Hammond, La. Posts: 978	Nah...when she gets depressed, she stops eating and ends up losing weight. She probably doesn't weigh a hundred pounds right now. Sidhe __________________ My free will...I never leave home without it. --House Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. -Rita Rudner

12-18-2003, 02:17 PM	#38
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	well, maybe THAT'S it....is he a "chubby chaser"? __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

12-18-2003, 02:21 PM	#39
Lady Sidhe That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.... Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Hammond, La. Posts: 978	Not by history. Just a guy who gets in trouble with redheads with big boobs, by his own admission. That's why she's so upset and worried. Then again, I look at it this way...she was thin when he married her.... Sidhe __________________ My free will...I never leave home without it. --House Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. -Rita Rudner

12-18-2003, 02:29 PM	#40
warch lurkin old school Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Minnesota Posts: 2,796	Well, four years is a long time to be married.

12-18-2003, 02:43 PM	#41
Lady Sidhe That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.... Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Hammond, La. Posts: 978	Well, he DID agree to the "til death do us part" part of the wedding ceremony, and isn't marriage SUPPOSED to be forever? They dated for almost three years before they got married, and they'd known each other for three years before that. Sidhe __________________ My free will...I never leave home without it. --House Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. -Rita Rudner

12-18-2003, 02:50 PM	#42
warch lurkin old school Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Minnesota Posts: 2,796	Nah. That's rare.

12-18-2003, 07:42 PM	#45
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	The urge here for everyone is to label one party or the other "good" or "bad" -- "at fault" or "not at fault" -- and then to assume that if one is one, then t'other is t'other. Did we not learn from McCartney and Wonder? There is good and bad in everyone. We learn to live, we learn to give each other what we need to survive. Together alive! Everybody now!

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