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Old 05-16-2004, 12:53 PM   #226
zippyt
LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 7,511
A local law enforcement officer stops a car for
traveling faster than the
posted speed limit.

Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to
give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the
man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands
but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with
me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time.
So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good
grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a
doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree. So I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After awhile, I got bored being a doctor so I
decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through
school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, started fooling around
with my assistant. She gave me VD.
So I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took
away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away
my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just
FRED."

The officer walked away in tears from laughing so
hard and tore up the warning.
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Old 05-26-2004, 10:27 PM   #227
Lady Sidhe
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Location: Hammond, La.
Posts: 978
Damn, this is just funny....in a wierd kind of cellar-way. I figured you guys would appreciate the humor.


Ebay Trickster
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Old 05-28-2004, 03:48 PM   #228
Dagney
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The Local Cow Dealer

A local car dealer, who was known to have taken advantage of some people in the community, wanted to purchase a cow from a farmer. So the farmer priced the cow in a way the car dealer could understand:
BASIC COW: $499.95
Shipping and Handling: $35.75
Extra Stomach: $79.25
Two-tone Exterior: $142.50
Deluxe Dual Horns: $59.25
Automatic Fly Swatter: $74.55
Four-spigot/high output drain system: $149.20
Automatic fertilizer attachment: $339.40
Farmer's suggested list price: $1,379.85
Additional Dealer Adjustments: $300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options): $1,679.85
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Old 05-28-2004, 06:16 PM   #229
lumberjim
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so....., what's the punch line?
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Old 05-28-2004, 08:22 PM   #230
lumberjim
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EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m.Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m.Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m.Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m.Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m.Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an
informant, he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the high metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ....
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Old 05-29-2004, 03:53 AM   #231
Nothing But Net
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Location: Spring, Texas
Posts: 1,481
Forward this e-mail I got, replying to the questions in your own words

Return directions: Now, here's what you are supposed to do..... and do not spoil the fun. Copy (not forward) this entire email and paste it onto a new email that you will send. Change all of the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to all of your friends and including
the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those who know you. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Have a great day my friends and God Bless each and every one of you.

These are my answers:

1. What time is it? Please be more specific

2. Name as it appears on birth certificate? It appears to be 12-point Courier

3. Number of candles on your last birthday cake? None. We did put an M-80 on it, though. That turned out cool

4. Dog? I thought these questions were about me, not the old lady

5. Hair color? I'm starting to get a creepy feeling this e-mail is some intelligence gathering scheme of the Dept. of Homeland Security

6. Piercing? No, because it is a gateway to Brosnaning, which is worse than an eternity in Hell

7. Tattoos? When I was young I got one that said 'Born to Raise Hell'. Now I'm just wishing I could raise my dick

8. Eye color? I don't know. I can't see myself in a mirror

9. Birthplace? It was a real god-awful mess when it was all over, I've been told

10. Favorite foods? Anything somebody else pays for

11. Ever been to Africa? Officially, no

12. Been toilet papering? At least once a day, more often as needed

13. Love someone so much it made you cry? Yes, I cried 'Bitch!'

14. Been in a car accident? Yes. Actually, it wasn't really an accident. I did it on purpose

15. Favorite salad topping? Naked women

16. Favorite day of the week? When you're unemployed, who the fuck cares?

17. Favorite restaurant? The Four Seasons in New York. Never been there, but I've heard it's good. Does anyone know if they have Buffalo Wings?

18. Favorite flower? Artificial

19. Favorite sport to watch? Gladiators

20. Favorite drink? Whatta ya got?

21. Favorite Ice Cream Flavor? The Baskin-Robbins 31-Flavors-All-in-One-Cone. It gets looks on the street, and nobody minds if you drip any on them

22. Movie company Disney or Warner Bros? Neither. Who is Ron Jeremy working for these days?

23. Favorite fast food restaurant? Surprisingly, robbing McDonalds is a relatively easy score. They sure as fuck ain't hiring any heroes

24. What color is your bedroom carpet? What would you call a 20-year accumulation of beer spills, bong water, cigarette burns, dog shit, urine from most known life forms? I know: 'College Collage'

25. How many times you failed your driver's test? You mean there is actually a person in this town who passed one?

26. Before this one, whom did you get your last email from? RRedd hot !!! Teeen^^^slutzzzs##are the~~~shnizzle%%for**your<><>wizzzle.. Come one & all@@@

27. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? The crack house at MLK and 5th, only they don't take credit cards

28. What do you do most often when you are bored? You mean like in the movie 'Body Double'? That looked really painful, getting drilled right through the floor

29. Most annoying thing people say to me? "You look just like your mother." "Hey, asshole, do you see any tits on me?"

30. Bedtime? I never fall asleep. I pass out.

31. Who will respond to this email the quickest? The Republican National Party, requesting a donation

32. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? Osama Bin Laden

33. Favorite TV show? I've never really liked anything on TV since they stopped showing test patterns late at night

34. Last person you went out to dinner with? I'm happy to say it was NOT Jeffrey Dahmer

35. What are you listening to right now? Voices. They're telling me to kill you

Last edited by Nothing But Net; 05-29-2004 at 03:56 AM.
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Old 06-01-2004, 04:05 PM   #232
Lady Sidhe
That's my story and I'm stickin' to it....
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Hammond, La.
Posts: 978
This young man in the Old West wanted to be the
best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in
a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation
of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The
young man walked up to the old man and told him his
dream.

The old man looked him up and down and said "I
have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me,
tell me," said the young man. "Tie the bottom of your
holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Definitely," said the old man. The young guy did
what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie
off he piano player.

"Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more
suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of
your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come
out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "It sure
will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his
gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is
really helping me. Is there anything else you can
share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can
of axle grease
over there in the corner and rub it all over your
gun." The young fellow didn't hesitate but started
putting the grease on the gun.

"No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said
the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man, "But when Doc Holliday gets
done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun
up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
__________________
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Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
-Rita Rudner

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Old 06-03-2004, 03:45 PM   #233
Lady Sidhe
That's my story and I'm stickin' to it....
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Hammond, La.
Posts: 978
Ted Kennedy has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. "You are on my list but have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do."

"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Ted thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" Ted said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Ted.

The devil opened a third door.. In it, Ted saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Ted looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said............

OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
__________________
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Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
-Rita Rudner

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Old 06-03-2004, 03:51 PM   #234
Lady Sidhe
That's my story and I'm stickin' to it....
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Hammond, La.
Posts: 978
Ok, this is a forward, but it's good....

Cool chocolate math...
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.......
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked
it out! This is not one of those waste of time things,
it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that
you would like to have chocolate. (try for more than
once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year
add 1754.... If you haven't, add 1753 .....

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each
week).

The next two numbers are your age.

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK
__________________
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Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
-Rita Rudner

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Old 06-03-2004, 11:13 PM   #235
Lady Sidhe
That's my story and I'm stickin' to it....
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Hammond, La.
Posts: 978
Escape from Neverland


Oh, DAMN!



Sidhe
__________________
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Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
-Rita Rudner

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Old 06-04-2004, 11:43 PM   #236
Lady Sidhe
That's my story and I'm stickin' to it....
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Hammond, La.
Posts: 978
Toilet Paper Fashions

I mean, how bored do you have to be?
__________________
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--House



Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
-Rita Rudner

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Old 06-05-2004, 08:59 AM   #237
BrianR
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 3,338
I can't decide where to put this, so here it is:

Subject: Time to re-evaluate our involvement?



Every day there are news reports about more deaths.
Every night on TV there are photos of death and
destruction. Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force,
but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still
there?

Many of our children go there and never come back. Why
are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have loopy
leadership. Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still
there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, which we
are supposed to bail them out of. Why are we still
there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do
not understand. Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to
ordinary Americans. Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still
there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost
billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford. Why
are we still there?

It is becoming clear...







WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!!!



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Old 06-05-2004, 01:09 PM   #238
Lady Sidhe
That's my story and I'm stickin' to it....
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Hammond, La.
Posts: 978
Re: The Local Cow Dealer

Quote:
Originally posted by Dagney
A local car dealer, who was known to have taken advantage of some people in the community, wanted to purchase a cow from a farmer. So the farmer priced the cow in a way the car dealer could understand:
BASIC COW: $499.95
Shipping and Handling: $35.75
Extra Stomach: $79.25
Two-tone Exterior: $142.50
Deluxe Dual Horns: $59.25
Automatic Fly Swatter: $74.55
Four-spigot/high output drain system: $149.20
Automatic fertilizer attachment: $339.40
Farmer's suggested list price: $1,379.85
Additional Dealer Adjustments: $300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options): $1,679.85
I posted that one to him already, as I recall....

Sidhe

Edit:
here
__________________
My free will...I never leave home without it.
--House



Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
-Rita Rudner


Last edited by Lady Sidhe; 06-05-2004 at 01:27 PM.
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Old 06-05-2004, 01:14 PM   #239
lumberjim
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 23,862
Re: Re: The Local Cow Dealer

Quote:
Originally posted by Lady Sidhe


I posted that one to him already, as I recall....

Sidhe
TO WHO?
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Old 06-05-2004, 01:16 PM   #240
Lady Sidhe
That's my story and I'm stickin' to it....
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Hammond, La.
Posts: 978
To YOU.
__________________
My free will...I never leave home without it.
--House



Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
-Rita Rudner

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