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Old 03-22-2004, 12:19 PM   #76
OnyxCougar
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Because I kind of think of this as "my" thread, I'm posting this here.

About two or three years ago, I was playing a MUD (text only online RPG) and got romantically involved with one of the players (Jon). I flew to Iowa for the weekend, and Jon's best friend (Miah) and his gf (Sindy) and her dad (Bruce) came to pick me up at the airport and tooled me around Cedar Rapids and hung out with me until Jon got off work. So that's how I met them.

Now....Jon turned out to be just a fling, and I kept in touch with Miah, Bruce and Sindy through the MUD and Dark Age. Bruce had a "thing" for me.

So a year and a half later, Miah and the gang decide they want to move to San Diego, and ask me if they can stay at my place for a few days, to do the tourist thing in Vegas. Well of course they can.

So Miah, Sindy, Bruce and Sindy's son Jase decend on my apt, where I was living with my boys.

They stayed 2 months. Sindy got on food stamps, and they helped with food, and Sindy did alot of cleaning, but it was still 7 people in a 2 bedroom apartment.

They eventually moved into an apartment in the same complex. After almost a year, Bruce was working out of town, Sindy had her second child (Jasmine) and since Miah refused to get a job, they couldn't afford to live in Vegas, so her parents flew to Vegas, rented a UHaul and took them home.

In the process of moving they had a nice living room set, a blue couch, loveseat and chair (not recliner). Miah said if they didn't give it to me they were just gonna chuck it, since they couldn't pack it in the truck. He said that it was worth $2000 when they got it, and would I give them $500 for it. I said, sure.

Not long after, I decided to move out of Vegas. I didn't really care where, just not there. I had 3 options: Maine (to work for a seasonal resort), Iowa (and stay with Miah til I get on my feet), or North Carolina.

I didn't get the seasonal job in ME, so that option was gone. That left Iowa and NC. (Some of you may remember the posts.) Well, I really wanted to go to Iowa, but right about that time, Miah and Sindy fell off the face of the earth... I left messages on the MUD and on DarkAge. I left him email. Told him to call me, write me, anything, because I needed confirmation that it was good to go.

Nothing.

So, I figured, NC was the last option and I took it. I couldn't afford a Uhaul so I packed my car (and the roof carrier) and we drove. I left the couches behind with most of the rest of my material possessions.
[/backstory]

Today, I logged into Dark Age, and got a tell from Miah: "You're a hard person to get ahold of." He then makes small talk and asks how I am, where I'm working, if my husband is working, and where I am, then says that he hopes I havent forgotten about my debt, he's down on his luck right now, and was wondering if I could pay some of that debt.

I told him I remembered the debt, but that I felt like when he flaked out on me when it came time to help me, and he completely disappeared for 8 months, knowing I needed help.

He said he got kicked out of his mom's place and had no phone or internet access. I told him that I had checked on the mud, and he had logged into it several times during that period, so he at LEAST had net access, he could have sent me an email. Not only that, but when he did have access and started playing Dark Age again, he didn't try to contact me then, either. My email addresses didn't change.

Now out of the blue he wants his money.

I'm of two minds. The "good" side of me wants to pay him, and make good on my word. I told him I'd pay him.

On the other hand, when it came time to help ME out, he's nowhere to be found, (even tho he says he wasn't able to get online and I can prove he was.) and doesn't have the courtesy to contact me when he does get back online, UNTIL he wants his money. Now it's all about "how are you?". Not only that, but he was gonna throw them out anyway, but that's really nitpicking.
But I don't feel like I should pay him anything, because he severed the ties.

So what do you guys think? Pay him or not?


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Old 03-22-2004, 12:33 PM   #77
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I'd come back with "Geez, I thought you had dropped off the face of the earth too. Well I can't just up and pay you immediately, I'm so broke. I mean you can't expect me to suddenly find a big ball of dough. How about $50 a month?"

Nobody with any good intention left would turn that down. Then just pay the first month immediately, the second a month later (in ratty-looking cash to make it physically look like a hardship), and then progressively forget until she finds it too much trouble to re-contact you every time for what is diminishing returns, only $50 quickly and then less and less principal each time.

This is the passive-aggressive approach but these people have never had your concerns in mind. In general, my guiding principle in life is "be kind to everyone", but in this case you did that and they only took advantage of you.
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Old 03-22-2004, 08:27 PM   #78
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Old 04-03-2004, 05:07 PM   #79
ladysycamore
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Re: Seriousness That Changed You

Quote:
Originally posted by Elspode
I was going over the thread about Silliness, and it kicked off some thinking in the other direction. What serious, hideous or other decidedly not-funny incident or series of events first made you realize that life could really, really suck?
That's easy: June, 2001. The month that I found out that my life would change due to kidney failure. I was already type 2 diabetic since 1993, and I thought I was handling that ok. But, to have someone tell you that something in your body is failing, and that you now have to go on dialysis for pretty much the rest of your life...that's pretty mind boggling.

It didn't hit me fully until later on that year when I actually started on hemodialysis. That meant getting a Permacath in my neck (which was uncomfortable). I was fine with it for a bit, but I had to start off by going to the clinic at 6am. I'm not an early morning person, so I asked if they had a later schedule. Not so at that particular clinic, so I had to go to another one in the system (Belmont Court Dialysis). That was a nightmare. I got a catheter infection twice while I was there, and the techs were not as good as at the first clinic. So, I had to switch places for a third time (which was the charm). However, while on hemo, I couldn't work, so I switched to Peritoneal Dialysis. This way, I could do my treatments at night while I slept, and return to work during the day.

That was May of 2002. The first year was ok, but going into the second, things started to change. I started to gain weight (the LAST thing I needed, considering I was already way overweight to begin with), my sugars were not stable, my skin and hair changed...I was a hot mess. In addition, my electrolytes are out of wack, and certain hormones have been depleted (haven't had my monthy in well over a year...not that I'm complaining!!). But, all that reeks havoc over one's overall well being, and three weeks ago, I agreed to see a psychiatrist that specializes in chronic illnesses to help me deal better with this "new" way of life, which in many ways, stills sucks.

I'm not going to lie: I'm not one of those people who is "brave" and "I'm going to fight this with every fiber of my being!" and all that. I'm not a natural born fighter, IMO. When things go wrong, the first thing I want to do is curl up in a ball and hope things work out. Getting better with that though. But, IMO, this isn't about bravery, but getting by the best way I know how. The old cliche, "One day at a time" is very true. But, I'm not going about this with a big grin on my face, and fake cheerfulness because I'm grateful that I am alive. I AM glad that I'm alive, but that doesn't mean that I'm not mad/angry/upset about this turn of events. It's hard to let go of the old me, and the things that I was able to do a lot more easier than I can do now. For instance, I'm leery about traveling now, because I have to lug a big ass machine and supplies with me. which is no picnic. I've heard that some people have had trouble at airport security checkpoints, because they are not familiar with the machine (some have even been told to set up the whole machine to prove that it's not a bomb!). I also have a lot of aches and pains due to an elevated parathyroid hormone level (basically, it depletes calcium from your bones...not good), which makes it hard to get around (as Jim and Jinx witnessed at the car show in January). I'm still having trouble getting work the "regular" way, so I'm checking out a program that Social Security has that helps disabled people in obtaining work.

This is not easy to totally accept. Not that I'm in denial, but I don't want to feel like I'm giving in to this. I'm young, and I feel that I have a lot more to do in life, and I would love to be able to have the piece of mind to say that I *can* and *will* experience it...but I can't...realistically. Even with a transplant, my life isn't guaranteed (no one's life IS, but I know that my mortality rate is much lower than the "average" healthy person). I don't know anyone's transplanted kidney that lasted more than 20 years. Sure, that's 20 years, but damn, that would mean my organ would last me until my 50s, and then I'd have to go back on dialysis (and hopefully, not back on hemo!). And I know how I am...I'd be pissed to all hell to have to do that.

These are just the many issues that I constantly have to deal with, and work out with the professional in the coming weeks.

Life doesn't suck as much as I thought it did about a year ago, but certain aspects of it still "really, really, sucks".

*just keeping it real*
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Old 04-04-2004, 08:33 AM   #80
OnyxCougar
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I met a boy in 5th grade named Eddie Kammert. He wore hearing aids and was very serious. He had a hereditary disease (which I could never remember the name of) that meant the females carried the gene, and the males actually contracted the disease.

It started with hearing loss, then kidney failure, then heart failure. One way or the other, it killed you early.

I kept in touch with him over the years, (had a brief relationship in 1990) and he and his brother Matthew both decided to be childfree, just because (1)they wouldn't be around long enough to raise their children and (2) they refused to propagate the disease.

Once, Eddie showed me how all the dialysis worked, how it all worked together, and I very clearly remember he did NOT want me to "feel sorry" for him. He had the attitude of this happened, and there is nothing I can do about it, so why be mad or upset? He didn't have a "fighting" mentality, either, but he faced his condition with humor and a serious demeanor that belied his years. He crammed a whole life into the 26 years he was here.

Just from your posts here, Rho, I know that while you might not be a "stand up and fight" it person, you are definitely a "not going to lay down and die" person, either.

I'm glad you're getting help with the long term mental effects. Something like that has _got_ to be stressful, and wear you down. At least you have a good man to stand by you, and give you the much needed mental and emotional support.

Sending good thoughts out to you, and wishes for strength, peace, and courage to face what lies ahead.
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Old 04-04-2004, 10:51 AM   #81
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Quote:
Originally posted by OnyxCougar
[color=indigo]I met a boy in 5th grade named Eddie Kammert. He wore hearing aids and was very serious. He had a hereditary disease (which I could never remember the name of) that meant the females carried the gene, and the males actually contracted the disease.

It started with hearing loss, then kidney failure, then heart failure. One way or the other, it killed you early.
It sounds a little like Tay-Sachs , except for the male-female component. Then again, there are more than a few recesssive diseases out there.

On a public policy front, I think requiring blood tests for couples seeking marriage is not a bad idea. Just letting future parents know if they are carriers of recessive diseases would help to prevent Tay-Sachs and sickle cell anemia.
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Old 04-04-2004, 02:03 PM   #82
ladysycamore
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Quote:
Just from your posts here, Rho, I know that while you might not be a "stand up and fight" it person, you are definitely a "not going to lay down and die" person, either.

I'm glad you're getting help with the long term mental effects. Something like that has _got_ to be stressful, and wear you down. At least you have a good man to stand by you, and give you the much needed mental and emotional support.

Sending good thoughts out to you, and wishes for strength, peace, and courage to face what lies ahead.
*blurry monitor moment*

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Yep, it's hard, but it's getting better, bit by bit.

And you're right...I am not a 'lay down and die' type. It just seems like people with chronic illnesses are supposed to act "brave" and be this strong, fighter type, which I can not claim to be 100%, and that's just me keeping it real. It's like if you dare to complain, then you are ungrateful for being alive and having the health that you DO have. That's not the case at all. It's just that for me, I feel that it's best to be truthful about how I feel about all of this, instead of keeping it all inside and then blowing up all at once later on. That's not good for me, or for Syc. (hehe)

I feel bad because I did forget to mention Syc in my rant, about how he's been my rock and my anchor in all of this.

The one thing that I am proud of at this point is being a co-administrator for a dialysis board which allows patients to vent whenever they feel the need, but we also provide support and possible options in regards to patient and caregiver issues. There is also a fair amount of research, meaning many websites are posted for people to surf that may help them in their treatment and care. I try to encourage dialogue and to be more pro-active in individual care, because fear and ignorance is the worse thing for chronically ill patients.
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Old 04-04-2004, 02:04 PM   #83
ladysycamore
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Quote:
Originally posted by richlevy


It sounds a little like Tay-Sachs , except for the male-female component. Then again, there are more than a few recesssive diseases out there.

On a public policy front, I think requiring blood tests for couples seeking marriage is not a bad idea. Just letting future parents know if they are carriers of recessive diseases would help to prevent Tay-Sachs and sickle cell anemia.
Perhaps something along the lines of this:

Understanding Gene Testing
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Old 04-04-2004, 09:53 PM   #84
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Quote:
Originally posted by Elspode
When we are faced with easing the pains of our children, I don't really know that there are any boundaries...at least, not within the hearts and minds of people who aren't hopelessly fucked up.

While my own son is nowhere near as incapacitated as the child you describe, he is also far from a normal young man. He will never drive, he will always have a seizure disorder, and his comprehensional and learning abilities are virtually fixed somewhere at a fourth grade level. He is 22 years old, but still relies on me and his stepmother for pretty much all of his transportation needs to work, the bank, the store, etc. He has few friends because he can't engage in many of the activities they enjoy...he can't drink because of the meds he takes, he is on a very limited income (SS disability and a meager part time menial job), and he simply doesn't have the same grasp of nuance and context that even the most feeble normal young adults have.
My son is almost 20 and autistic. He goes to school and has been job training at the same job for a few years. He has wanted to drive a car ever since his brother got his license. As far as we can tell, his physical health is fine. My greatest hope is that he can acheive some form of independence.

The thing about autism is that it is still more of a symptom than a disease. Noone has found a clear genetic component yet. It could be hereditary, environmental, or some combination. Not knowing still bothers me, although finding out that I might have passed this onto him would also be a terrible discovery.

I once got into a discussion with a distant cousin. We were comparing notes on our children. His oldest son does not appear to have any impairment in intelligence, but has a severe behavior disorder. He is scarred from self-inflicted scratches and cuts. He has been thrown out of schools and institutions. However, he has 'normal' speech and intelligence and can communicate with his father, even if they yell at each other.

So my cousin and I were talking about all of this and trying to figure out who had it worse, the man with the son who is semi-independent but who disappears and reappears, and who may one day turn up missing or dead, or the man whose son lives at home and is relatively well-behaved, but who cannot communicate with his father at an adult level.

Unless there is some dramatic change, I will always speak to my son as if he is a young child. I do get to see him happy, and we do get to do things together, but I will never know him as a man. My goal is for him to be in some kind of group home arrangement, and I hope that his training will allow him to reach that point. But if that happens, it will still not seem real to me. It will still seem like visiting a child at camp and not an independent person in his home.

My son goes to a school for autistic children. A while ago, he was in a much larger special school, which had a group of children with a larger range of disabilities. I remember the graduation there years ago when I watched children with very mild to unbelievably severe disabilities as they graduated. In Pennsylvania, special education students are in school until age 21. I could imagine the parents of these children, and even back then, when my son was 11 or 12, I could imagine the future, when it would be my son graduating.

That future is two years away.
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Old 04-23-2004, 08:49 PM   #85
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I can remember being deliberately cynical as a kid. Really I figured the world was a pretty messed up place. The age we were living in seemed to teem with danger and disarray....But really I felt all of that against the backdrop of a very sheltered and actually quite rosie view of my immediate little bit of the world...Apart from a chronic illness which I dont need to bore ya with here ( nothing serious enough to be lifethreatening or permanently injurous, just enough to fuck up my schooling and spend waaaay too much time reading ;P) The world had really presnted me with a lot of good vibes. Even when my mum was injured at work and had to give up her career, she rode it out with reasonable equanimity as she did most things....

Dogs came and eventually went. Relatives mainly got along with a few lost to illness and injury along the way...None of this really made me see the world as the fucked up place it is; always has been and always will be.

I threw myself into my teenage years, experimented with drugs, drink, depression and radical left politics......dropped out of my education and went off with my equally leftwing boyfriend to live in a bedsit and plan the revolution whilst also marching against racism and other unpleasant stuff....Mainly what I saw there started to clue me in a little that some elements of society were perhaps not as innocent in intent as i had always kind of assumed....

Thatchers Britain (1990) on the front lines of a large demo looking at a row of very heavily armoured policemen none of whome were wearing their identity numbers on their epaulets....I'll leave the rest to your imagination, suffice it to say it was one helluva ruck....But even then when the dark underbelly of the capitalist system showed itself briefly to me, it was lightened somewhat by the other less agressive bobbys who were doing their damnedest to make sure the quarter of a million pissed off citizens who were exercising their right to be peacefully kicked in by mounted police got safely back to their coaches and vans afterwards, despite the rather tempestous riot that had erupted all around them....again I saw a great deal that showed me the strength and bravery of humans so even that didnt really sink my optimism.

Living in a poor northern milltown whose industry had long since fled, my fell and I eked out our days and saw whole regions die under the tories and the country felt tired. Sleaze corruption and degradation, the nation talked much of the changes that needed to come. The measures got crueller the lot of the poor darker and then the nation that heaved such a heavy sigh elected the same discredited government to another four years.....I was devastated. I could not believe that it had happened. Right up til the exit polls they were predicting a change of government and then......But...I picked myself up ....after a couple of years I could even talk about it without twitching.

Genocide and destruction rages in our world. A million dead Rwandans a million displaced Sudanese.....a hundred thousand fleeing conscripts massacred on the road to Basra....All of this horror and yet the world is as its ever been. We see it now as it happens, we even may care. But the world is as it has always been. Genocide and racial hatred, wars of conquest and malevalent occupiers. In a hundred years all the things that anger me in the news will be articles in history books and the world will be much as it is now.

A few years ago my fella was running down some stone steps and slipped...reached his hand out on instinct and fell with such force his hand gripped the rail in reflex and the whole weight was taken by his arm, dislocating his shoulder in a really nasty way.

We didnt know it was dislocated straight off. He was in a lot of pain though. It was such forceful dislocation that even ater it had been put back in it was strapped up for weeks and for 6 months it looked like he may have paralysed his right arm.

This completely threw me. The noise I had heard him make when I thought he had just taken a fall and banged his shoulder is still clear in my mind. We'd just had a row so when I heard that sound( which was strangely muted for a yell of agony)I was halfway between irritated and concerned thinking it a pissed off response to a minor fall.....Funny how these things stay with you. ....I waited with him at the emergency room for hours with him nearly blacking out with the pain and doing that guy thing of being really angry and prickly seeming when in severe distress.....

That day and night and the months of painful physio I realised how fucked up life could really feel. Such a helpless feeling. And all the what ifs....This fall the shoulder. What if it had been his neck?

All the horror of the world, all the pain of a sickly childhood and the disappointments of adulthood didnt really rock my equanimity but when the steps of my backyard became dangerous, so did my world.
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Old 04-24-2004, 06:19 AM   #86
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Bingo! Excellent point, Dana. The reason we're ruminating about the global implosion, is that our own little worlds are relatively safe.
If there is a tornado in the area, you tune in the local weather, not the world news.
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Old 09-09-2004, 01:47 PM   #87
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For those of you who remember this thread and the stuff I brought up here (as well as the website from prison entries...) you may remember that I told you his lawyer contacted me in regards to whether or not he was sexually abused as a child, and I told her no, but he abused his cousins. I wondered aloud (here) what he was up to.

I found out:

This is edited for content....

Quote:
FILED: February 21, 2001
IN THE COURT OF APPEALS OF THE STATE OF OREGON

TRAVIS D. PETERSEN,
Appellant,

v.

JOAN PALMATEER,
Superintendent,
Oregon State Penitentiary,

Respondent.
(97C-12551; CA A108297)

Appeal from Circuit Court, Marion County.
Don A. Dickey, Judge.
Argued and submitted December 7, 2000.
---
Petitioner appeals from a judgment denying his claims for post-conviction relief. He asserts that the post-conviction trial court erred in receiving evidence, consisting of his former attorney's affidavit and indigent defense billing records, that was shielded from disclosure by the attorney-client privilege. (1) We review for errors of law, ORS 138.220, and affirm.

In 1995, petitioner was charged with aggravated murder and several other offenses arising from a 1992 homicide. Under a plea agreement, petitioner pleaded guilty to one count of aggravated murder and was sentenced to life imprisonment without the possibility of parole. ORS 163.105. After his conviction, petitioner filed this petition for post-conviction relief, alleging that his trial counsel (counsel) provided him with constitutionally inadequate representation. Among other claims, petitioner alleged that counsel (1) did not conduct an adequate investigation because he failed to ascertain the facts and circumstances surrounding the incident and failed to determine if petitioner suffered from a mental disease or defect, which would have been a defense to the crimes with which petitioner originally was charged; (2) allowed petitioner to approve an illegal sentence in the plea agreement; (3) failed to inform petitioner that, as a consequence of his guilty plea, he could not appeal his conviction; (4) failed to ensure that all of the conditions of the plea agreement were put into writing, specifically an alleged agreement whereby the district attorney's office agreed not to prosecute petitioner's spouse in exchange for petitioner's guilty plea; and (5) coerced petitioner into a guilty plea that was not freely, voluntarily, and intelligently made.
---
The short version is that they tested him, he's not crazy, and his lawyer did a well enough job, and so they denied his appeal.

So that little letter from the lawyer was to help establish he was mental. What bullshit. They wanted me, the person he beat and raped and abused, to give them information to help him get out of prison?????

You gotta be kidding me.

Just keeping you updated.
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Old 07-20-2005, 05:39 PM   #88
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Google works.

Dickhead's brother, we'll call him Shaun, has PM'd me. His wife found me from this thread. While this is somewhat alarming, it's not wholly unexpected. I'm still not sure how I feel about this. Shaun is on the dickhead's mother's side of the family, and that's the side of the family that had the (now) 17 year old.

Shaun is asking about the 17 year old. Through my cautious inquiries he has sent pics of himself (which went a long way toward making sure this was him and not somebody I don't want to be dealing with) and his wife, told me where he was, and where other members of the family are.

I have not told him where I am, although it's possible to narrow me down to one state from my posts here.

I'm very very wary, but at the same time, the 17 year old is an adult in less than 6 months, and while I don't want to "throw him to the wolves", my part in this is nearly ended. I've shielded him from as much backlash and influence as I could, and especially now that he is going to the ex, perhaps my role in that is over.

What do you guys think?
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Old 07-20-2005, 08:14 PM   #89
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I'm confused... Shaun is his brother, but is "on dickhead's mother's side of the family?" Wouldn't a brother be on both sides of the family, just like Dickhead?

I'd ask the 17 year old. He probably remembers at least something of these people who raised him for awhile, and may feel very strongly one way or the other about whether he wants to be reunited with them. This is all assuming the 17 year old knows the whole story about Dickhead?
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Old 07-21-2005, 08:09 AM   #90
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Well, I should have said closer to the mother's side. He hsn't mentioned much about the dad's side, but the dad's side I'm not really worried about anyway, since the dad's side had nothing to do with the 17 year old.

He knows the story, not the details. Due to all the drama right now, I'm not sure he is in a place emotionally to make a decision like that. I don't know. *sigh*
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