The Cellar  

Go Back   The Cellar > Main > Home Base

Home Base A starting point, and place for threads don't seem to belong anywhere else

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12-24-2007, 11:00 AM   #1561
classicman
barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy.
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 23,400
.
Attached Images
  
__________________
"like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt
classicman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-24-2007, 05:04 PM   #1562
Sundae
polaroid of perfection
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: West Yorkshire
Posts: 24,185
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crimson Ghost View Post
EATING TIPS FOR THE HOLIDAYS
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly...It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas.
Wholly endorse this. Same with liquers - which only rich people have all year round (trailer park trash like me down them in one session)
Quote:
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.
I live life by this rule. Also it has no calories if uyou haven't ordered it/ paid for it. And in the case of a friendly not-quite-empty in a pub it doesn't count as alcohol either.
Quote:
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like Stilton [amended, who the fuck wants cookies when there's good cheese around?], position yourself near them and don't budge.
Quote:
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all costs. I mean, have some standards.
And it's topped with marzipan. Which was the invention of the devil. Check serial killers' preferences through the ages, when asked if they liked marzipan an incredible 98% said yes.
__________________
Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac
Sundae is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-24-2007, 07:01 PM   #1563
monster
pinstriped
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Perpetual Chaos
Posts: 28,886
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sundae Girl View Post
And it's topped with marzipan. Which was the invention of the devil. Check serial killers' preferences through the ages, when asked if they liked marzipan an incredible 98% said yes.

Ah fruitcake, another great US/UK divide.

US and UK fruitcake have astoundingly little in common.

Yanks are usually rather surprised to find that Brit wedding cake is traditionally fruit cake and most people stick with tradition. Christmas cake is also fruitcake. Yanks wouldn't like it either, but it's nothing like the stuff it is US holiday tradition to hate. Which is basically sponge with lots of horribly coloured candied peel. I'll pass on both and just grab another beer, thanks.

Is anyone not confused yet?
__________________
The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart
monster is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-24-2007, 08:22 PM   #1564
busterb
NSABFD
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: MS. usa
Posts: 3,908
I like fruitcake, made by mom. Also liked the ones in little cans from c-rations.
I get one each year from Collinstreetbakery and buy a jug of whiskey to flavor it Has never happen, yet
__________________
I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.
busterb is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-26-2007, 01:22 AM   #1565
Urbane Guerrilla
Person who doesn't update the user title
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Southern California
Posts: 6,250
Fruitcake batter doesn't come off as spongecake though -- eggy yes, spongecake no. It's denser. Fruitcake should be well soused with a suitable rum or brandy. Cognac would be showing off; Armagnac maybe not, though perhaps there's room for argument either way. A fruitcake that has just enough batter to hold the candied fruit together, is well soused, and then sliced thin enough to pass light -- well, there you have stained-glass fruitcake, and it's a little slice of heaven.

Don't take shortcuts with the production. It's not like you can hurry it along anyway. So use the properly retentive wrappings, the cheesecloth, all of that. Fruitcake is all about the method, and every nuance counts in the finished product.
__________________
Wanna stop school shootings? End Gun-Free Zones, of course.
Urbane Guerrilla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-26-2007, 01:09 PM   #1566
classicman
barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy.
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 23,400
This ones for LJ.
Attached Images
 
__________________
"like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt
classicman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-26-2007, 09:14 PM   #1567
TheMercenary
ďHypocrisy: prejudice with a haloĒ
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Savannah, Georgia
Posts: 21,393
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two

dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him

and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion

allowed per passenger.'



2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One

turns to the other and says 'Dam!'



3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were

chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again

that you can't have your kayak and heat it

too.



4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've

lost my Electron.' The other says 'Are you

sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm

positive.'



5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who

refused Novocain during a root canal? His

goal: transcend dental medication.



6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into

a hotel and were standing in the lobby

discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of

the office and asked them to disperse. 'But

why?', they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said,' I can't stand chess-nuts

boasting in an open foyer.'



7. A woman has twins and gives them up for

adoption. One of them goes to Spain , they

name him 'Juan'; the other went to a family

in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' Years later,

Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth

mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells

her husband that she wishes she also had a

picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,

'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've

seen Ahmal.'



8. A group of friars were behind on their

belfry payments, so they opened up a small

florist shop to raise funds Since everyone

liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a

rival florist across town thought the

competition was unfair. He asked the good

fathers to close down, but they would not. He

went back and begged the friars to close.

They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired

Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most

vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to

close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed

their store, saying he'd be back if they

didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,

thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent

florist friars.


9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked

barefoot most of the time, which produced an

impressive set of calluses on his feet. He

also ate very little, which made him rather

frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered

from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this

is so bad, it's good) a super calloused

fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



10. And finally, there was the person who

posted ten different puns on a message board, with the

hope that at least one of the puns would make

people laugh. No pun in ten did.
__________________
Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!
TheMercenary is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-26-2007, 09:59 PM   #1568
JuancoRocks
Sir Post-A-Lot
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Paradise Valley, Arizona
Posts: 427
^^^My Pun Meter is pegged for sure!^^^
__________________
"That's just like your opinion man"
JuancoRocks is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-26-2007, 10:27 PM   #1569
classicman
barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy.
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 23,400
@ Merc - Bravo - very good
__________________
"like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt
classicman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-31-2007, 11:35 PM   #1570
BrianR
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 3,338
Survivor, Texas Style


Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor - Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read, "I'm gay", "I'm a vegetarian", "I voted for Al Gore", "George Strait Sucks", "Hillary in 2008", and "I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
__________________
Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous
BrianR is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-01-2008, 03:03 AM   #1571
Urbane Guerrilla
Person who doesn't update the user title
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Southern California
Posts: 6,250
With a spinoff about all those Texans who think the show has now gone comedy. C'mon -- they were all laughing too hard to shoot straight... and some funny things happened then... somebody go put a finger in the reservoir dam, doggone it... Holland ain't the only place you can save.
__________________
Wanna stop school shootings? End Gun-Free Zones, of course.
Urbane Guerrilla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-01-2008, 07:51 AM   #1572
xoxoxoBruce
The future is unwritten
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 63,101
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
__________________
Everything is interesting... look closer.
xoxoxoBruce is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2008, 07:57 PM   #1573
xoxoxoBruce
The future is unwritten
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 63,101
Quotes

"I think that the free-enterprise system is absolutely too important to be left to the voluntary action of the marketplace." - Rep. Richard Kelly (R-Fla.)

"If a frog had wings, he wouldnít hit his tail on the ground." - George Bush, on unemployment benefits

"I make my decisions horizontally, not vertically." - Sen. Bob Kerry (D-Neb.)

"I hope that history will present me with maybe two words. One is peace. The other is human rights." - Jimmy Carter

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, itís only the people who make them unsafe." - Frank Rizzo, mayor of Philadelphia

"If we donít watch our respective tails, the people are going to be running the government." - State Sen. Bill Craven (R-Ca.), on state initiatives

"Democracy used to be a good thing, but now it has gotten into the wrong hands." - Sen. Jesse Helms

"I donít see why the legislature should be in the business of artificial intelligence, real intelligence or any intelligence at all." - Rep. Hunt Downer (D-La.)

"A zebra cannot change its spots." - Al Gore

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" - George W. Bush

"We, as Republicans, need to start rowing with one oar." - Rep. John Kasich (R-Ohio)

"I havenít committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, former New York mayor

"I donít have the brains for business. I want to go into politics." - Mao Xinyou, grandson of Mao Zedong

"Iím not indecisive. Am I indecisive?" - Jim Scheibel, mayor of St. Paul, Minn.

"If BS was a dollar a pound, we would have paid off the deficit at about noon." - Rep. Jim Ross Lightfoot (R-Iowa)

"Congressmen are so damn dumb they could throw themselves on the ground and miss." - Rep. James Traficant, Jr. (D-Ohio)

"I think thatís self-evident, but not true." - Bill Clinton

"Itís hard for somebody to hit you when youíve got your fist in their face." - James Carville, on negative campaigning

"Whatís the difference between a politician and a catfish? One is a wide-mouthed, bottom-feeding, slime sucker - and the other is a fish." - Preston Manning, Reform Party leader

"Iím a politician, and as a politician I have the prerogative to lie whenever I want." - Charles Peacock, ex-director of the Madison Guaranty S&L

"Look, Iím trying to run for president! I canít sit here and debate free trade versus fair trade!" - Pat Robertson

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather." - Marion Barry, former mayor of Wash., D.C.

"The senator has got to understand - he canít have it both ways. He canít take the high horse and then claim the low road." - George W. Bush, referring to John McCain

"Iím glad Iím not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin, you never know if someoneís tape-recording what you say." - Richard Nixon
__________________
Everything is interesting... look closer.
xoxoxoBruce is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2008, 08:34 PM   #1574
xoxoxoBruce
The future is unwritten
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 63,101
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.



The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.



The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming , would run for cover.



But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of the old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.



The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.



Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.



VOTE CAREFULLY. . . the bells are not always audible . . . . . .
__________________
Everything is interesting... look closer.
xoxoxoBruce is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-04-2008, 02:11 PM   #1575
Clodfobble
UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 18,821
Quote:
"If a frog had wings, he wouldn’t hit his tail on the ground." - George Bush, on unemployment benefits
Down south, "tail" is a completely interchangeable euphemism for "ass." The above is actually a fairly common saying. But the man (either senior or junior) has certainly said plenty of other stupid things.
Clodfobble is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
humor


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:56 AM.


Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.