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Old 03-04-2004, 05:20 PM   #151
Shattered Soul
Shuttered and locked
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 97
Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with ....

a Misdewiener
I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad...the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had....
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Old 03-04-2004, 05:54 PM   #152
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Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland
Posts: 6,667
Originally posted by Undertoad
Snopes says false on the lighthouse story! I knew I'd heard that one before. Snopes has the exact same text except that it's between an American and a Canadian and has a different date.
BUT ....

the British Navy did run aground in a lovely new fiberglass state-of-the-art cruiser at the Rubbish Dump on our island sometime in the early 1990s. Our local police officer is reputed to have strolled to the site, gazed up at the dumbfounded captain and asked "Do you have a permit to leave this thing here?"
Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of
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Old 03-07-2004, 09:21 AM   #153
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true?? which island??did i miss something?
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Old 03-07-2004, 09:50 AM   #154
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Originally posted by funkykule
true?? which island??did i miss something?
Only England.
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Old 03-09-2004, 07:42 PM   #155
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Location: Bummington NEW YORK
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Okay here goes, I am hoping that nobody gets offended by this it's not too bad though.

There are 3 construction workers, one Italian one Mexican and one Polish guy and they all eat lunch together every day. The Italian guy opens his lunch box and sees Ziti. Man I am so tired of Ziti he says I wish my wife would make something else. The Mexican opens his lunch box and says "tacos? man I am tired of tacos". The Polish guy opens his lunch box and sees a bologna sandwich. He says the same thing how he is tired of bologna. The next day at lunch the same thing happens except the Italian guy says if I have ziti in my lunch tomorrow I am gonna jump right off the top of this building. The Mexican opens his lunch and says man if I get a taco tomorrow I am jumping with ya. The Polish guy opens his lunch and says make that three of us jumping. The next day all three men jump from the building and die. At the Italian's funeral his wife is crying and carrying on how she never realized he didn't like ziti and she blames herself. At the Mexican funeral his wife is crying and all upset about how she thought tacos was his favorite food. At the Polish funeral his wife is walking around thanking everyone for coming all calm and collected. When asked why she wasn't upset for making him jump because of the bologna sandwiches she replied "why would I get upset....... he packed his own lunch"
"You are about to enter a world...a world where life and death are meaningless and pain is God."
--- Captain Spaulding
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Old 03-10-2004, 03:31 PM   #156
lobber of scimitars
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Location: Phila Burbs
Posts: 20,773

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!



The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome". Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity for Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican.
wolf eht htiw og

"Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island

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Old 03-10-2004, 05:48 PM   #157
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Wolf, we disagree on some things, but at times like this I'm reminded how much you rock.
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Old 03-11-2004, 10:15 PM   #158
lobber of scimitars
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Phila Burbs
Posts: 20,773
Beer Wisdom

"Sometimes, when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel shamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
might be out of work, and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come
true, than be selfish
and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

"I fee l sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman


"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright


"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

~ "Unknown"


Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.


To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin of Cheersa;
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
buddy, Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills
brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.."
wolf eht htiw og

"Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island

High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis
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Old 03-16-2004, 04:30 AM   #159
professional bowler
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 134
19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once
Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For
Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With
The Prophecy."

8. Dont Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically
After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And
Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't
Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The
Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The
Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
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Old 03-19-2004, 01:52 PM   #160
professional bowler
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 134
I apologise in advance, you've probably seen this before, but for those who didn't................

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a tumble dryer.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag
filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cork at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other
from Dublin
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after
the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student
on 31p-a-pint night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either,
but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a
land mine or something.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids
around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a
first-generation hermal paper fax machine that needed a band

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple
it to the wall.
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Old 03-26-2004, 01:15 AM   #161
lobber of scimitars
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Phila Burbs
Posts: 20,773

The division of the human family into its two distinct branches
occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood, when human
beings coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.

In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented.

This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and
the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct

Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required a reliable source of grain, and that
was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was
necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they
were drinking beer.

This was the beginning of the Conservative movement.

Other men, who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live
off Conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's
work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing.

This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Later, some of the Liberals actually became women.

Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group
therapy, and democratic voting to see how to divide up the beer and meat
that the Conservatives provided.

Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them
were still women back then, and the Conservatives fed them.

The largest, most powerful land animal on earth symbolizes

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white
wine or foreign water in a bottle.

They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French
food are on Liberal menus.

Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like deviant sex
and want others to like it too. Their first successful city governments
were Sodom and Gomorrah.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, college professors,
journalists, and group therapists are Liberals.

Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't
"fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for
their women.

Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively
outside government.

Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work
for a living.

Liberals do not produce anything. They prefer to "govern" the producers
and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.

That is why most of the Liberals just stayed in Europe when Conservatives
were coming to America.

Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of law.

They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches.

When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the
Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing world.

They believe in the concept of truth.

Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to
stealing the production of Conservatives and undermining principled
references such as the Bible and Constitution.

They are never in doubt on an issue because they always do whatever is best
for them at the time without regard to others.

They have no standard of reference and are never consistent.

Liberals do not give to charity.

They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice.

They use the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax
money, which they tax away from Conservatives.

Conservatives believe in self-defense, both at home and abroad.

They own guns and use them to discourage Liberals and other common criminals.

They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign Liberals and
other foreign criminals.

Liberals do not believe in Conservative self-defense. They disarm
Conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by Liberal armies with guns.

King George III, Stalin and Pol Pot were all Liberals who abandoned the
rule of Law, had no principles except their own self-indulgence, and
attempted to tax and govern Conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG government.

They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer
because it's the ultimate big government.

Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries,
convict common criminals and acquit fellow Conservatives who have been
charged by Liberals.

When serving in the armed forces, they shoot Liberals from
other countries who want to govern our country. Conservatives know the
difference between a common-sense law and a bone-headed statute passed by
some Liberal from Massachusetts.

When sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't
explain their reasons.

Liberals only believe in whatever laws appeal to them at the moment, such
as the privilege of making a living by taxing Conservatives. When sitting
on juries, Liberals convict producers and acquit Liberals and other common

Liberal judges do not produce anything except chaos, and are paid by fellow
Liberals with confiscated tax money. They consider it illegal to reference
any source of law such as the Bible or Constitution.

Like other Liberals, they just make it up as they go and do what is best
for them.

Judge Roy Bean is their model.

The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative.

A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find
the owner of a huge cattle ranch.

He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could
you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?"

To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet."

So, what'll it be? Steak or tofu? Wine or Beer? Domestic or imported?

Edited to add:

I think Coffee was developed by Conservatives, so they could get more work

The liberals then created flavored coffees

The development of Drive through coffee kiosks, is a genetic mutation,
possibly the start of the THIRD PARTY SYSTEM, it is to early in that phase
of humanity to decide......
wolf eht htiw og

"Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island

High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis
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Old 03-26-2004, 02:20 PM   #162
When Do I Get Virtual Unreality?
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Raytown, Missouri
Posts: 12,718
After reading this, I now know that I fall somewhere squarely in between Conservative and Liberal, especially where deviant sex and fiscal responsibility are concerned.

Oh...and there's also that part about consulting the Bible, which I don't do. What are you if you consult Tarot cards?
"To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog
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Old 03-26-2004, 02:43 PM   #163
lobber of scimitars
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Phila Burbs
Posts: 20,773
That should work.

Although a little bibliomancy never hurt anybody. The bible is much better than the phone book for that ...
wolf eht htiw og

"Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island

High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis
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Old 03-30-2004, 01:21 AM   #164
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I come from a land downunder
Posts: 1,105
Office Dares

Feeling bored in the office? Looking for something new and exciting to do?

Why not initiate an office dare system - Well read on.

One Point Office Dares

(1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

(2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).

(3) Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.

(4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

(5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

(6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmm, that feels sooooooo good!"

(7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way. But thanks for noticing".

(8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

(9) While riding in the lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Three Point Office Dares

(1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him/her with double-barrelled fingers.

(2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."

(3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

(4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

(5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five Point Office Dares

(1) At the end of a meeting suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

(2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing frustration, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

(3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

(4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."

(5) After every sentence say "mon" in a rally bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

(6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.

(7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

(8) At lunchtime get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

(9) In a colleague's diary write in: "10 am - See how I look in tights".

(10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

(11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that? "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

(12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why say, "I can't talk about it."

(13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

(14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig etc) during a very important conference call.

(15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

(16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

(17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.

(18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

(19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.


(1) At lunchtime sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

(2) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

(3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask "Do you want fries with that?"

(4) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN".

(5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine additions, switch to espresso.

(6) In the subject field for all your e-mails, write "FOR S**** FAVOURS".

(7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

(8) Don't use any punctuation.

(9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

(10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

(11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

(12) Sing along at the opera.

(13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

(14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

(15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

(16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

(17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I Won! Third time this Week!!!"

(18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
We'll never be as young as we are right now
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Old 03-30-2004, 01:41 AM   #165
Has Body Temperature
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I come from a land downunder
Posts: 1,105

Imagine that you go out one night to a really nice bar with your friends and

>have a few cocktails. They taste good, so you have a few more and then

>the dj puts on 'I Will Survive,' so you're off on the dance floor, a bit

>worse for wear. After an hour or so, when 'Heart of Glass' has finished,

>and more modern music comes on, you come back to the group for a rest and

>another cocktail or three.


>You notice a group of men standing nearby and one of them is looking at You.

>You look back at him and there is tangible chemistry between the two

>of you. He summons up some courage and moves over to talk to you.

>You like him, so YOU buy him a drink. He likes a woman who is not afraid to

>buy a man a drink. You get on really well. When the time seems perfect

>for both of you, he leans over and kisses you. You have never been kissed

>like this before, an electric kiss - a tingle shudders through your entire

>body and you don't want it to stop.


>"I don't usually do this sort of thing," you hear yourself saying, "but I've

>never felt like this before. Do you want to come back to my place?"

>you wake up the next morning, and you roll out of bed, half-asleep, to go to

>the toilet, last night's memories slightly blurred. You look at yourself in

>the mirror, make an "urgh" sound and sit down on the toilet.

>As you're sitting there, vivid flashes of what would seem like a marathon

>sex session flicker back into your head and you remember that you fell in

>love last night. With a smile on your face, you stand up and walk

>back to the bedroom and see ......................
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We'll never be as young as we are right now
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