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Old 04-21-2004, 04:31 PM   #211
Lady Sidhe
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Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several
southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor: Southern Style."

The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia
and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally ending up back
over in Alabama.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read: I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go Yankees!, Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2004, Deer Hunting is Murder, and I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!


The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.
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Old 04-21-2004, 04:34 PM   #212
Lady Sidhe
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My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us
having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it
makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will
come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base. Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10. If
you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five fuckin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.



Thank
You,

Billy "Smiles" Evans



P.S. You can send money to the person who sent you this
because that person is very trustworthy.
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Old 04-22-2004, 08:18 AM   #213
jdbutler
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Got this in an e-mail yesterday, don't know who the author was but I wish it would have been me...



The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate
of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I
sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her, then number 2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over.

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
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Old 04-22-2004, 11:02 AM   #214
hot_pastrami
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jdbutler's test answer posting reminded me of this one, though I don't know it's actually a true story:

Quote:
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = g x t. But bad luck on the barometer.

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2p v (l / g).

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building. But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
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Old 04-22-2004, 11:04 AM   #215
hot_pastrami
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Snopes article on the barometer problem
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Old 04-22-2004, 11:25 AM   #216
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That reminds me of another urban legend...

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as 'Bonkistry'. He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final, they had a solid A.

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?
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Old 04-22-2004, 01:25 PM   #217
russotto
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I've heard the same story; I suspect it's as old as the automobile, and perhaps there's a version involving horses throwing a shoe.

Of course, nowadays students who use the flat tire excuse agree on a tire beforehand (but don't spontaneously mention it to the professor)
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Old 04-24-2004, 04:01 PM   #218
BrianR
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Osama dies and...

>After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by
>George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at
>him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
>
>
>Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You
>wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
>
>James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said, "This is why I
>allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
>
>Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long
>cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration
>to pen the Declaration of Independence! ".
>
>These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and
>66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim
>terrorist leader.
>
>As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared.
>Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you
>promised me."
>
>The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you
>in heaven. What did you think I said?"
>
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Old 05-03-2004, 09:47 AM   #219
wolf
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Greg made a living as a "session musician." He wasn't in a band; he played his clarinet for background music in commercials and such. He was very good.

One day he took a job playing for the soundtrack of a movie. When he was finished, and they were writing his check, he asked the girl what movie his music would be in.

She gave him a funny look. "They didn't tell you?"

"No," said Greg.

"Well ... it's a porno movie. It'll be released next month."

Greg had never played for a movie soundtrack before, and was very disappointed. But he wanted to hear his music anyway, so one day he found himself buying a ticket at a dirty little theater in the gay section of town.

Greg had never been inside a porno theater before. It smelled of urine. Soon after he sat down, a nice-looking elderly couple came in and sat down next to him. Greg was very surprised, and absolutely mortified. He had never seen them before, but they were the kind of people who went to his church every Sunday: gray-haired, clean-cut, conservative, polite, nicely dressed.

The movie finally started. It turned out to be the very worst kind of pornography: threesomes, foursomes, oral sex, anal sex, lesbians, masochism, sadism. Just when Greg thought it couldn't get any worse, a dog got into the act, mingling freely with the humans, performing sex acts with them.

Greg couldn't stand it anymore. He decided to leave. He leaned over to the little old lady and said, "Ma'am, I'm going to leave now. I've never been to this kind of theater before, and I only came here for the music."

She smiled sweetly and said, "Oh, I understand. We just came here to see our dog."
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Old 05-03-2004, 10:11 AM   #220
wolf
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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them. "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.
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Old 05-03-2004, 11:28 AM   #221
Yelof
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Wolf that one is a slightly modified form of an oldie but goodie

My Mum is (was?) a doctor, she told me that the same story about 20 years ago, but instead of a corpse it was the slighly more believable story involving the taste of sugar in the urine of a diabities patient, the fingers switch the same..she told the story as happened to her when she was a Medical Student in the early 60's.

Unfortuantly she has alzheimer's now, doesn't know my or her name, hasn't uttered a word in four years, can't get out of her chair.

Hope I don't jinx the humor thread with that reality, but thanks for making me remember her telling me the story
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Old 05-05-2004, 10:29 PM   #222
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The man and the little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, lad, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
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Old 05-05-2004, 10:39 PM   #223
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An old man is sitting in a park when a young punk wanders nearby. The punk's hair is extreme to say the least--red, orange, green, purple, all spiked straight up. The old man stares. Finally, the punk turns and says, "What, you never did anything crazy in your life?"

The old man smiles and says, "Actually, when I was in the war, some buddies of mine and I got so drunk one night, that I had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if maybe you were my son."
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Old 05-14-2004, 01:54 PM   #224
cowhead
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I don't remember if I posted this already

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

do yourself a favour and take a look at these, the first time I ran across them I almost pissed myself I was laughing so hard, showed them to a friend the other night and.. yuppers they are still funny as hell.
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Old 05-15-2004, 09:44 AM   #225
dar512
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Re: I don't remember if I posted this already

Quote:
Originally posted by cowhead
http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

do yourself a favour and take a look at these, the first time I ran across them I almost pissed myself I was laughing so hard, showed them to a friend the other night and.. yuppers they are still funny as hell.
You're right. They're funny...... and disturbing..... don't forget disturbing. I'll be having bad food nightmares for weeks.
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