Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 98

jester · 10-08-2007, 03:29 PM

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a

truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"

Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his

imaginary truck and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?"

Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some

rest."

That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another

patients' room

and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

Shocked, she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?"

To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in

Melbourne".

jester · 10-08-2007, 03:30 PM

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No!!!!"
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

breakingnews · 10-12-2007, 12:52 AM

For LJ:

jester · 10-12-2007, 09:41 AM

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working
> together one day.
>
> They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each
> on
> you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.
>
> The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
> land to be forever fertile in Canada."
>
> POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
> fertile for farming.
>
> Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan,
> Palestine,
> Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our
> our precious land."
>
> POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
> around those countries.
>
> The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
>
> The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and
> completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's
> virtually
> impenetrable."
>
> The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with
> water."

Cyclefrance · 10-15-2007, 09:52 AM

Profound observation of the day:

THE MAN WHO OPENS HIS CAR DOOR FOR A WOMAN EITHER HAS A NEW CAR, ...OR A NEW WOMAN.

xoxoxoBruce · 10-15-2007, 07:00 PM

Supreme Court Gives Gore’s Nobel to Bush
Stunning Reversal for Former Veep

Just days after former Vice President Al Gore received the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts on global warming, the United States Supreme Court handed Mr. Gore a stunning reversal, stripping him of his Nobel and awarding it to President George W. Bush instead.

For Mr. Gore, who basked in the adulation of the Nobel committee and the world, the high court’s decision to give his prize to President Bush was a cruel twist of fate, to say the least.

But in a 5-4 decision, the justices made it clear that they had taken the unprecedented step of stripping Mr. Gore of his Nobel because President Bush deserved it more.

“It is true that Al Gore has done a lot of talking about global warming,” wrote Justice Antonin Scalia, writing for the majority. “But President Bush has actually helped create global warming.”

Even as Mr. Gore was being stripped of his Nobel, he received strong words of support from Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, who said that the former vice president’s Nobel win “shows that he is devoting his life to the right thing and should definitely stay the course.”

In an interview with reporters in Iowa, Sen. Clinton said that “Al Gore should remain dedicated to the cause of global climate change, at least through November of 2008.”

Sen. Clinton suggested that Mr. Gore could further research the source of global warming by immediately boarding a rocket ship to the sun.

TheMercenary · 10-16-2007, 11:50 AM

PITTSBURGH -- Rescue crews freed a woman trapped under a sport utility vehicle in Brookline late Monday morning.

Police said the woman, whose name has not been released, feared her husband was cheating on her. They said she went to spy on him by crawling under an SUV outside her husband’s alleged girlfriend’s house in the 1300 block of Oakridge Street.

She apparently fell asleep under the vehicle and became trapped after someone let the air out of the tires.

Ray Ludchak was working on the house next door when he heard the woman’s cries for help. "I peered down to see a body beneath a vehicle," said Ludchak.

The couple has been married for 26 years. The woman was taken into custody to undergo a mental health evaluation.

Police are trying to determine who let the air out of the tires. So far, no charges have been filed.

http://www.wpxi.com/news/14342073/detail.html

10-19-2007, 01:33 PM

Why you shouldn't flirt

A couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being
a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take
some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be
spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awoke without pain and
as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't
know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching
her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the
party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the
dance floor, dancing with every woman he could and copping a little feel
here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather
seductive lady herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his
time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was
her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in
her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had
passionate sex in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she
slipped away and went home and put the costume away.

She was sitting up reading when her husband came in, so she asked what kind
of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not
there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare
room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad.
Apparently he had the time of his life!!"

sikcboy · 10-20-2007, 01:32 PM

hiw do you stop a baby going round in circles on your floor?

nail down its other hand

xoxoxoBruce · 10-20-2007, 08:36 PM

Welcome to the Cellar sikcboy.

sikcboy · 10-22-2007, 07:17 PM

remember all the dead baby jokes?

Whats red and squirms in the corner?

A baby playing with a razor blade.

Whats green and sits in the corner?

The same baby 2 weeks later.

Whats blue and squirms in the corner?

A baby playing with a plastic bag!!!!

Whats red and squirms on the ceiling?

A baby on a playing on a meat hook.

Wanna know how sick i really am?

I THINK i made this one up, but i was

at the time.

Whats black and squirms in the corner?

A freshly skinned baby in a black bin liner full of salt!!!

xoxoxoBruce · 10-24-2007, 05:34 PM

Bush Seeks to Ban Marriage Between Fictitious Gay Characters
Harry Potter Revelation Prompts President’s Move

Just days after “Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling revealed that the popular professor character Albus Dumbledore was gay, President George W. Bush told the nation that he would seek a ban on fictitious gay weddings.

In a nationally televised address last night, Mr. Bush said that he will devote the rest of his term in office to obtaining a constitutional amendment banning marriage between fictitious gay characters.

“In order to protect the sanctity of marriage in the real world, we must first protect the sanctity of marriage in fiction,” Mr. Bush said. “This is the most pressing goal of my Administration – even more important than bombing Iran.”

While the president’s address was for the most part consistent with his earlier statements on gay marriage, it was uncharacteristic in that it demonstrated an awareness of books.

And in attacking the Mr. Dumbledore’s right to wed, Mr. Bush may have raised the ire of one of the most militant constituencies in the U.S.: Harry Potter fans.

Jude Ralston, 34, one of over 5,000 Potter devotees who dressed as Dumbledore to protest the president’s speech outside the White House last night, said that Mr. Bush could be playing with fire: “Harry Potter fans take these things very seriously, and we don’t have anything else going on in our lives.”

As for Dumbledore’s gayness, Mr. Ralston said that he had overlooked obvious clues the first time he read the books: “I, like, totally missed that scene in the airport bathroom.”

Spexxvet · 10-24-2007, 05:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sikcboy

remember all the dead baby jokes? ...

Which is easier to unload - a truck full of babies or a truck full of B-Bs?

A truck full of babies - you can use a pitchfork.

Sundae · 10-25-2007, 03:50 AM

Not to step on anyone's humour, but shouldn't these be in the Offensive Jokes thread?

Ibby · 10-25-2007, 05:02 AM

No.

10-12-2007, 12:52 AM	#1458
breakingnews Q_Q Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: somewhere in between Posts: 995	For LJ: __________________ Gone crazy, be back never.

10-15-2007, 09:52 AM	#1460
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Profound observation of the day: THE MAN WHO OPENS HIS CAR DOOR FOR A WOMAN EITHER HAS A NEW CAR, ...OR A NEW WOMAN. __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

10-16-2007, 11:50 AM	#1462
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	PITTSBURGH -- Rescue crews freed a woman trapped under a sport utility vehicle in Brookline late Monday morning. Police said the woman, whose name has not been released, feared her husband was cheating on her. They said she went to spy on him by crawling under an SUV outside her husband’s alleged girlfriend’s house in the 1300 block of Oakridge Street. She apparently fell asleep under the vehicle and became trapped after someone let the air out of the tires. Ray Ludchak was working on the house next door when he heard the woman’s cries for help. "I peered down to see a body beneath a vehicle," said Ludchak. The couple has been married for 26 years. The woman was taken into custody to undergo a mental health evaluation. Police are trying to determine who let the air out of the tires. So far, no charges have been filed. http://www.wpxi.com/news/14342073/detail.html __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

10-25-2007, 03:50 AM	#1469
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Not to step on anyone's humour, but shouldn't these be in the Offensive Jokes thread? __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

10-25-2007, 05:02 AM	#1470
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	No. __________________ not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh

10-08-2007, 03:29 PM	#1456
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?" Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest." That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Shocked, she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?" To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in Melbourne".

10-08-2007, 03:30 PM	#1457
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great." "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!" The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ." "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" "No!!!!" "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

10-12-2007, 09:41 AM	#1459
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working > together one day. > > They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each > on > you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie. > > The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the > land to be forever fertile in Canada." > > POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever > fertile for farming. > > Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, > Palestine, > Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our > our precious land." > > POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall > around those countries. > > The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." > > The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and > completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's > virtually > impenetrable." > > The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with > water."

10-15-2007, 07:00 PM	#1461
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Supreme Court Gives Gore’s Nobel to Bush Stunning Reversal for Former Veep Just days after former Vice President Al Gore received the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts on global warming, the United States Supreme Court handed Mr. Gore a stunning reversal, stripping him of his Nobel and awarding it to President George W. Bush instead. For Mr. Gore, who basked in the adulation of the Nobel committee and the world, the high court’s decision to give his prize to President Bush was a cruel twist of fate, to say the least. But in a 5-4 decision, the justices made it clear that they had taken the unprecedented step of stripping Mr. Gore of his Nobel because President Bush deserved it more. “It is true that Al Gore has done a lot of talking about global warming,” wrote Justice Antonin Scalia, writing for the majority. “But President Bush has actually helped create global warming.” Even as Mr. Gore was being stripped of his Nobel, he received strong words of support from Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, who said that the former vice president’s Nobel win “shows that he is devoting his life to the right thing and should definitely stay the course.” In an interview with reporters in Iowa, Sen. Clinton said that “Al Gore should remain dedicated to the cause of global climate change, at least through November of 2008.” Sen. Clinton suggested that Mr. Gore could further research the source of global warming by immediately boarding a rocket ship to the sun.

10-19-2007, 01:33 PM	#1463
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	Why you shouldn't flirt A couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awoke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive lady herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate sex in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away. She was sitting up reading when her husband came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad. Apparently he had the time of his life!!"

10-20-2007, 01:32 PM	#1464
sikcboy infectious waste case Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: mooon base alpha 5 Posts: 52	hiw do you stop a baby going round in circles on your floor? nail down its other hand

10-20-2007, 08:36 PM	#1465
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Welcome to the Cellar sikcboy.

10-22-2007, 07:17 PM	#1466
sikcboy infectious waste case Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: mooon base alpha 5 Posts: 52	remember all the dead baby jokes? Whats red and squirms in the corner? A baby playing with a razor blade. Whats green and sits in the corner? The same baby 2 weeks later. Whats blue and squirms in the corner? A baby playing with a plastic bag!!!! Whats red and squirms on the ceiling? A baby on a playing on a meat hook. Wanna know how sick i really am? I THINK i made this one up, but i was at the time. Whats black and squirms in the corner? A freshly skinned baby in a black bin liner full of salt!!!

10-24-2007, 05:34 PM	#1467
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Bush Seeks to Ban Marriage Between Fictitious Gay Characters Harry Potter Revelation Prompts President’s Move Just days after “Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling revealed that the popular professor character Albus Dumbledore was gay, President George W. Bush told the nation that he would seek a ban on fictitious gay weddings. In a nationally televised address last night, Mr. Bush said that he will devote the rest of his term in office to obtaining a constitutional amendment banning marriage between fictitious gay characters. “In order to protect the sanctity of marriage in the real world, we must first protect the sanctity of marriage in fiction,” Mr. Bush said. “This is the most pressing goal of my Administration – even more important than bombing Iran.” While the president’s address was for the most part consistent with his earlier statements on gay marriage, it was uncharacteristic in that it demonstrated an awareness of books. And in attacking the Mr. Dumbledore’s right to wed, Mr. Bush may have raised the ire of one of the most militant constituencies in the U.S.: Harry Potter fans. Jude Ralston, 34, one of over 5,000 Potter devotees who dressed as Dumbledore to protest the president’s speech outside the White House last night, said that Mr. Bush could be playing with fire: “Harry Potter fans take these things very seriously, and we don’t have anything else going on in our lives.” As for Dumbledore’s gayness, Mr. Ralston said that he had overlooked obvious clues the first time he read the books: “I, like, totally missed that scene in the airport bathroom.”

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