Leaving the past in the past.

Mulatto91 · 01-04-2009, 08:42 PM

This is one of those forever going issues with me in relationships. Can anyone offer me advice to get over those one night stands and meaningless relationships in his past and accept that I'm his better choice? He means a lot, and I know I'll eventually have to get over this issue and as much as I tend to push insults he pushes right back at me telling me he'll be here to help me get through it. He's the one, the keeper. This is a little tougher for me because I am fairly conservative but he's a great guy and shows me no reason to worry or think about these things. Am I that insecure with myself? Anyone have any stories or advice? I'm open to hear anything.

Aliantha · 01-04-2009, 11:02 PM

Hi Mulatto. Welcome to the Cellar if you haven't already been welcomed.

About your issue with your boyfriend, there's a couple of details that might help people give you better advice. For instance, how old are you both? Have you also been sexually active in the past or is he your first lover?

From my perspective, if I'm honest, I would have to admit that sometimes I do think about the women my husband has been with in the past and wish that I'd been the only one. I've never asked him, but I think he probably wishes the same thing about me now and then. It doesn't ever get me down too much though because I have to realize that he is the sum of all his life experiences prior to me. Without even one of his adventures or pitfalls, he wouldn't be the same man, so in effect, I really should be thanking those women for the gift they've created.

Remember, the past is simply history, and it doesn't apply to your relationship unless one or both of you bring it back to life. You know that if any of his previous lovers had been the one he wanted then that's the one he'd be with. He's chosen you. Maybe you should be asking yourself if there's any reason why you think he shouldn't have chosen you.

In my experience, it's often good to talk about these things with the person involved just to let them know your fears and reasons for them, whether they seem silly or not. You'll know he really is the one when he simply assures you that you're the one he wants and no other.

Good luck with it though. Relationships can be tricky, and often a lot of the pressure on them is that which we exert ourselves. Maybe try letting it off a bit and see what happens.

DanaC · 01-05-2009, 04:38 AM

Hi Mulatto, welcome to the Cellar *smiles* I have no advice or stories to offer on this one I'm afraid. But I wish you look in finding your way through. Sometimes it would be nice if life came with a handbook, no? :P

monster · 01-06-2009, 10:11 PM

Hi there.

Ali said it already.

Shawnee123 · 01-07-2009, 07:06 AM

People are going to do what they want to do. You can hope your partner makes the "good" choices but in the end no amount of insecurity, admonishing, begging, ultimating (I think I made up that word) or coercing will really change someone.

All a person can do in a relationship is hope that your common goals and interests win out. Obviously, each individual needs to decide what they can deal with and what they can't.

I used to say you can't tell anyone what to do or how to be. I mean you can, and they might fall into your line, but one day your intentions will be questioned and resented. It might take two weeks, it might take 20 years. People have to decide on their own what path to take.

If he chooses you, and you have no real reason to doubt him, you have to let go of jealousy. Jealousy will kill a relationship quickly, and cause you tons of unneeded pain in the process. It's a hurtful emotion to feel and to be the subject of.

Just enjoy the love you have. That's the best any of us can do.

Mulatto91 · 03-24-2009, 04:39 PM

Hey guys,

sorry it's taken months before i had the time to get on here. my boyfriend is my second and i'm about 16 for him. so there's a huge difference in our views of sex. i'm 18 and he just turned 26. so i know those years between us have given him a lot more women. and he has told me some about them, none of them were even remotely attractive or good people. so in a way, i wonder why the hell he is with me because i am decent looking, at least better than them, and have high morals. he tells me that these qualities is what has attracted him to me because i am not like any of them willing to get some if the chance comes up. i often end up hurting him and make him feel guilty over it. i don't know how else to handle these things and feelings. i really love him...i just am so lost sometimes..

Mulatto91 · 03-24-2009, 04:44 PM

oh yea...handbook=awesome, and i'm definitely the jealous type. i hate to admit that because i always like to think of myself as the woman who can walk through fire, but such isn't always applicable when situations come up.

Pico and ME · 03-24-2009, 05:09 PM

Consider this your life lesson for the moment (one of a zillion yet to come, lol). Love, support and trust him regardless, as long as he is doing the same for you. There is really no point being in a relationship otherwise.

Shawnee123 · 03-24-2009, 05:42 PM

Listen to Pico. She's a wise woman.

Pico and ME · 03-24-2009, 05:57 PM

If only. I had to wait 40 years to learn that one. :P

Shawnee123 · 03-24-2009, 06:01 PM

Heh. I know what you mean.

Undertoad · 03-24-2009, 06:56 PM

1. What birth control are you using?

2. You're 18, as much as you'd like to think differently, you're still young to a lot of these feelings. This is your second relationship? Don't take it too seriously. Don't ever believe he's your world. Don't put up with too much bullshit either.

3. He's 26? OK, that's a little suspect, actually. Having that experience means he knows how to B.S. you, too. Means he wants to be with someone he can take advantage of a little. It's not the end of the world but normally that guy would be chasing chicks who can drink with him at bars, you know?

DanaC · 03-24-2009, 07:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Undertoad

2. You're 18, as much as you'd like to think differently, you're still young to a lot of these feelings. This is your second relationship? Don't take it too seriously. Don't ever believe he's your world. Don't put up with too much bullshit either.

That bears repeating. He isn;t your world. It's painfully easy to lose your late teens or early twenties to a relationship that seems all consuming. It's a bitch when that happens.

Aliantha · 03-24-2009, 07:10 PM

When I was 18 I got involved with a man who was 25. It was my first real relationship as far as being fully sexual goes and we ended up getting engaged and living together.

I thought that was as good as it got.

Turned out he was an arsehole and I was naive.

I'm not saying your fella is like that, but it bears thinking about.

ZenGum · 03-25-2009, 07:04 PM

I can't remember who, but another female dwellar shared a very similar story ... she was 18, he was 25 or 26, he swept her off her feet, she was so inexperienced it took her years to realise he was an arsehole and was treating her like dirt.

You're 18, Mulatto, you've got plenty of time to shop around. I'm not advocating promiscuity or one-night-stands, but don't let your desire to find "The One" cause you to accept someone who isn't The One, but is good at convincing you he is.

Also, don't let us old jaded cynical buggers here spoil your beautiful youthful love affair. Maybe he is nicer then the impression I have got.

01-04-2009, 08:42 PM	#1
Mulatto91 Resident-in-Training Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 7	Leaving the past in the past. This is one of those forever going issues with me in relationships. Can anyone offer me advice to get over those one night stands and meaningless relationships in his past and accept that I'm his better choice? He means a lot, and I know I'll eventually have to get over this issue and as much as I tend to push insults he pushes right back at me telling me he'll be here to help me get through it. He's the one, the keeper. This is a little tougher for me because I am fairly conservative but he's a great guy and shows me no reason to worry or think about these things. Am I that insecure with myself? Anyone have any stories or advice? I'm open to hear anything.

01-04-2009, 11:02 PM	#2
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	Hi Mulatto. Welcome to the Cellar if you haven't already been welcomed. About your issue with your boyfriend, there's a couple of details that might help people give you better advice. For instance, how old are you both? Have you also been sexually active in the past or is he your first lover? From my perspective, if I'm honest, I would have to admit that sometimes I do think about the women my husband has been with in the past and wish that I'd been the only one. I've never asked him, but I think he probably wishes the same thing about me now and then. It doesn't ever get me down too much though because I have to realize that he is the sum of all his life experiences prior to me. Without even one of his adventures or pitfalls, he wouldn't be the same man, so in effect, I really should be thanking those women for the gift they've created. Remember, the past is simply history, and it doesn't apply to your relationship unless one or both of you bring it back to life. You know that if any of his previous lovers had been the one he wanted then that's the one he'd be with. He's chosen you. Maybe you should be asking yourself if there's any reason why you think he shouldn't have chosen you. In my experience, it's often good to talk about these things with the person involved just to let them know your fears and reasons for them, whether they seem silly or not. You'll know he really is the one when he simply assures you that you're the one he wants and no other. Good luck with it though. Relationships can be tricky, and often a lot of the pressure on them is that which we exert ourselves. Maybe try letting it off a bit and see what happens. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

01-06-2009, 10:11 PM	#4
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Hi there. Ali said it already. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

03-24-2009, 05:42 PM	#9
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Listen to Pico. She's a wise woman. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

03-24-2009, 06:01 PM	#11
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Heh. I know what you mean. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

01-05-2009, 04:38 AM	#3
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Hi Mulatto, welcome to the Cellar smiles I have no advice or stories to offer on this one I'm afraid. But I wish you look in finding your way through. Sometimes it would be nice if life came with a handbook, no? :P

01-07-2009, 07:06 AM	#5
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	People are going to do what they want to do. You can hope your partner makes the "good" choices but in the end no amount of insecurity, admonishing, begging, ultimating (I think I made up that word) or coercing will really change someone. All a person can do in a relationship is hope that your common goals and interests win out. Obviously, each individual needs to decide what they can deal with and what they can't. I used to say you can't tell anyone what to do or how to be. I mean you can, and they might fall into your line, but one day your intentions will be questioned and resented. It might take two weeks, it might take 20 years. People have to decide on their own what path to take. If he chooses you, and you have no real reason to doubt him, you have to let go of jealousy. Jealousy will kill a relationship quickly, and cause you tons of unneeded pain in the process. It's a hurtful emotion to feel and to be the subject of. Just enjoy the love you have. That's the best any of us can do.

03-24-2009, 04:39 PM	#6
Mulatto91 Resident-in-Training Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 7	Hey guys, sorry it's taken months before i had the time to get on here. my boyfriend is my second and i'm about 16 for him. so there's a huge difference in our views of sex. i'm 18 and he just turned 26. so i know those years between us have given him a lot more women. and he has told me some about them, none of them were even remotely attractive or good people. so in a way, i wonder why the hell he is with me because i am decent looking, at least better than them, and have high morals. he tells me that these qualities is what has attracted him to me because i am not like any of them willing to get some if the chance comes up. i often end up hurting him and make him feel guilty over it. i don't know how else to handle these things and feelings. i really love him...i just am so lost sometimes..

03-24-2009, 04:44 PM	#7
Mulatto91 Resident-in-Training Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 7	oh yea...handbook=awesome, and i'm definitely the jealous type. i hate to admit that because i always like to think of myself as the woman who can walk through fire, but such isn't always applicable when situations come up.

03-24-2009, 05:09 PM	#8
Pico and ME Are you knock-kneed? Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Middle Hoosierland Posts: 3,549	Consider this your life lesson for the moment (one of a zillion yet to come, lol). Love, support and trust him regardless, as long as he is doing the same for you. There is really no point being in a relationship otherwise.

03-24-2009, 05:57 PM	#10
Pico and ME Are you knock-kneed? Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Middle Hoosierland Posts: 3,549	If only. I had to wait 40 years to learn that one. :P

03-24-2009, 06:56 PM	#12
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	1. What birth control are you using? 2. You're 18, as much as you'd like to think differently, you're still young to a lot of these feelings. This is your second relationship? Don't take it too seriously. Don't ever believe he's your world. Don't put up with too much bullshit either. 3. He's 26? OK, that's a little suspect, actually. Having that experience means he knows how to B.S. you, too. Means he wants to be with someone he can take advantage of a little. It's not the end of the world but normally that guy would be chasing chicks who can drink with him at bars, you know?

03-24-2009, 07:10 PM	#14
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	When I was 18 I got involved with a man who was 25. It was my first real relationship as far as being fully sexual goes and we ended up getting engaged and living together. I thought that was as good as it got. Turned out he was an arsehole and I was naive. I'm not saying your fella is like that, but it bears thinking about. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

03-25-2009, 07:04 PM	#15
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	I can't remember who, but another female dwellar shared a very similar story ... she was 18, he was 25 or 26, he swept her off her feet, she was so inexperienced it took her years to realise he was an arsehole and was treating her like dirt. You're 18, Mulatto, you've got plenty of time to shop around. I'm not advocating promiscuity or one-night-stands, but don't let your desire to find "The One" cause you to accept someone who isn't The One, but is good at convincing you he is. Also, don't let us old jaded cynical buggers here spoil your beautiful youthful love affair. Maybe he is nicer then the impression I have got. __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)