Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 94

Flint · 09-06-2007, 09:59 AM

What do you call an Irishman with no arms and no legs?

Paddy O'Furniture.

Cyclefrance · 09-06-2007, 10:17 AM

Or...

What do you call an Irishman who likes to stay in the garden and sit on the terrace?

Paddy O' Furniture

Flint · 09-06-2007, 10:19 AM

I didn't know there was a "clean" version.

Cyclefrance · 09-06-2007, 11:16 AM

I didn't expect you to....

xoxoxoBruce · 09-06-2007, 05:39 PM

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back, how do you control your anger?
WIFE: I clean the toilet...
HUSBAND: How does that help?
WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

busterb · 09-06-2007, 07:50 PM

Wow boy. that's ruff

Terminator_484 · 09-06-2007, 10:08 PM

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level You are at 31 degrees, 14..97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost.. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.

xoxoxoBruce · 09-07-2007, 07:30 AM

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin' over a beer. Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and... she had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! ...

and I can't swim Dave! I can't swim!"

skysidhe · 09-07-2007, 09:30 AM

Longleat Meerkats take photos of themselves
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main...5/nmeer105.xml

A group of the animals - known as a mob - at Longleat Safari Park turned their paws to the hobby when a warden accidentally left a camera in their enclosure.

In the five minutes before he returned, the inquisitive mammals clambered up the tripod, explored the controls and managed to take three family photos.

See link for more!

xoxoxoBruce · 09-07-2007, 01:38 PM

Update.

Quote:

Keith Harris, head warden at Longleat Safari Park, told the Amateur Photographer magazine, which spotted the incongruity: "It started off as a joke. It was a slight hoax. The meerkats didn't take any pictures at all."

Mr Harris told the magazine that the pictures had been misinterpreted and were only intended to be cute pictures of meerkats playing with equipment.

The photos were later passed on to Southwest News Service.

Paul Walters, picture editor at Southwest News Service, said he took the photographs "in good faith" and that they were presented as the work of the meerkats. "We've been duped ultimately," he said.

skysidhe · 09-07-2007, 11:17 PM

I've been duped ultimately.

xoxoxoBruce · 09-08-2007, 12:49 AM

Obviously you're not alone. When I clicked on your link, right under the headline was, "Update: Meerkart photoshoot exposed as a hoax" in heavy blue contrasting type. That linked to a different page by a different reporter. They didn't even give the original reporter a chance to correct his story and explain how he's been duped.

skysidhe · 09-08-2007, 08:17 AM

And that link is so glaring! I guess I saw what I wanted to see.

I thought I read it too! ah boy ....

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------next!

skysidhe · 09-08-2007, 10:12 AM

A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"

The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

xoxoxoBruce · 09-08-2007, 02:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skysidhe

And that link is so glaring! I guess I saw what I wanted to see.

I thought I read it too! ah boy ....

No, I think the update was after you posted the link. You was shot in the back.

09-06-2007, 09:59 AM	#1396
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	What do you call an Irishman with no arms and no legs? Paddy O'Furniture. __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

09-06-2007, 10:17 AM	#1397
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Or... What do you call an Irishman who likes to stay in the garden and sit on the terrace? Paddy O' Furniture __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

09-06-2007, 10:19 AM	#1398
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	I didn't know there was a "clean" version. __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

09-06-2007, 11:16 AM	#1399
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	I didn't expect you to.... __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

09-06-2007, 05:39 PM	#1400
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back, how do you control your anger? WIFE: I clean the toilet... HUSBAND: How does that help? WIFE: I use your toothbrush. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

09-06-2007, 07:50 PM	#1401
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	Wow boy. that's ruff __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

09-06-2007, 10:08 PM	#1402
Terminator_484 FedCom representative Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: FedCom Posts: 23	A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level You are at 31 degrees, 14..97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost.. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.

09-07-2007, 07:30 AM	#1403
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!" The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?" "Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!" A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin' over a beer. Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and... she had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! ... and I can't swim Dave! I can't swim!" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

09-07-2007, 09:30 AM	#1404
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	Longleat Meerkats take photos of themselves http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main...5/nmeer105.xml A group of the animals - known as a mob - at Longleat Safari Park turned their paws to the hobby when a warden accidentally left a camera in their enclosure. In the five minutes before he returned, the inquisitive mammals clambered up the tripod, explored the controls and managed to take three family photos. See link for more!

09-07-2007, 11:17 PM	#1406
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	I've been duped ultimately.

09-08-2007, 12:49 AM	#1407
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Obviously you're not alone. When I clicked on your link, right under the headline was, "Update: Meerkart photoshoot exposed as a hoax" in heavy blue contrasting type. That linked to a different page by a different reporter. They didn't even give the original reporter a chance to correct his story and explain how he's been duped. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

09-08-2007, 08:17 AM	#1408
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	And that link is so glaring! I guess I saw what I wanted to see. I thought I read it too! ah boy .... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------next! Last edited by skysidhe; 09-08-2007 at 08:46 AM.

09-08-2007, 10:12 AM	#1409
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	Linguist Joke A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?" The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!" The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?" Last edited by skysidhe; 09-08-2007 at 10:17 AM. Reason: add title

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