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Old 01-05-2015, 06:53 PM   #16
BigV
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Yep.

As for your deja vu f3, in February of 2013 I got the call to come to Oklahoma. My aunt had fallen, struck her head, and never emerged from the ensuing coma. I wrote a eulogy for her. I was there for her, but also for my uncle and my cousins, and my mother, my aunt's sister, who went with me.
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Old 01-05-2015, 07:31 PM   #17
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I just want to think and moan and cry out loud here for a bit...

My kids, God, I'm so wracked for my kids. ElderSon lives in Denver. He has been in blithe denial up until about Thanksgiving. I spoke with him and set him right. He responded appropriately. It's easy to live your own life as a young, employed, single, college graduate, a time zone away from your parents, no? Easy, but not prudent under these circumstances. He *did* take my advice to heart and drove here for the holiday. He was here for two weeks, seeing his mom for the first time since her rapid decline has begun. It hit him very hard. I got to see him for an hour or so at the restaurant the night he arrived, just after he'd seen her.

Even though he was here for only two weeks, the respite he was able to provide for his brother was a welcome relief for everyone. Tink misses him, of course. Seeing him was really great, and he avoided the potential tragedy of missing seeing her at all before "the call". I feel good for him and for Tink about that. He was very sad to have to leave, but he did have to. Of course he'll be back, but I fear the circumstances of his next visit will be dire.

BelovedDaughter moved out of Seattle (which she loves, she's a city girl, not a suburban girl) and out to the 'burbs renting an enormous house with her boyfriend. This big ol' house is only five minutes from the small place that Tink lives in now. The plan was to have space to let Tink move in with them. Tink and SonofV for that matter, the house could have all four of them with bedrooms to spare. This wasn't a unilateral decision, they'd talked about it beforehand. But Tink won't move.

She can be exasperating. This, of course, is nothing new for Tink (and she'd say, with some justification, the same about all the others around her). But it seems like an unnecessary burden, physically, logistically, and psychologically to have her in her own house, with no room for anyone else except SonofV (and his friend when the friend stays over to help him and her). They fear they won't be able to respond in time to some accident which will then turn out badly. This fear is constant. They already do a lot for her, the bulk of the physical burden of the caretaking falling on SonofV's shoulders.

He does the cooking and cleaning, though I don't see him as much of a cook or a maid. He helps Tink with all of her personal needs, including transferring her everywhere she can't go with her wheelchair. Like to bed or to the toilet. Remember, Tink's place is just a small townhome-y style place, without roll-in bathrooms, etc. I do believe there's a hospital bed in the front room now, though.

Last night after dinner, BD, SonofV, Twil and I were sitting around talking and sharing each others' company after exchanging (late) gifts. We talked about all this stuff. They're sad, they're worried, they're resolute, they're realistic, they're concerned, they're respectful... I'm very proud of them, but what a fucking ordeal. I am trying to maintain a respectful distance, and ... it's complicated, right? Tink has a boyfriend/beau/partner/whatever. But that shit is complicated too. Documents are not signed, making the conversations only a social obligation but with no legal standing, the worst possible case.

I'm tired. I'm going to take a shower, maybe a nap. There's more to the story, but I feel a little better for having expressed the bit I have. Thanks guys.
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Old 01-05-2015, 07:32 PM   #18
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My freshman year roommate is about a year into the disease. It's heartbreaking. So sorry to hear of this. V you are in my thoughts
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Old 01-05-2015, 07:41 PM   #19
BigV
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Thanks man.
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Old 01-05-2015, 07:49 PM   #20
Griff
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I'm sorry man, this weighs on your family so heavily. Apparently you raised a hell of a solid son there. Good on you, good on him.
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Old 01-05-2015, 07:50 PM   #21
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I'm so sorry, BigV. Keep the strength. That's what family does for each other.
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Old 01-05-2015, 07:52 PM   #22
BigV
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I fell asleep in the chair here. wtf?

Ok, really. A shower and a nap. I mean it this time.

But not before I thank you two, too. Thank you.
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Old 01-05-2015, 07:52 PM   #23
lumberjim
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Sorry, V.

Soooooorrrrry, SonofV
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Old 01-05-2015, 08:23 PM   #24
footfootfoot
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I thought SonofV was 14 or something.
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Old 01-05-2015, 09:50 PM   #25
BigV
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SonofV will be 20, chronologically, in April.

But he's wise and sensitive well beyond his years. He's not much of a scholar, but his compassion, his emotional intelligence is truly exceptional. As a little kid, middle school, he would answer the door at Halloween but only after he took off his mask "so I don't scare the little kids". That kind of stuff.

And BD, oh. She's the leader, always has been. When they were little, we'd call for the kids, like all parents do, "come inside for din-nnnner!" or what have you. But since she was the only one who could hear it was **ALWAYS** "BD, you guys come in now." or "BD, tell ElderSon to come see me." etc, etc. She was trained from the get-go to be his ears as well as her own. That early and continuous training has led to a very responsible adult. Not a neurotic, she has a healthy sense of her boundaries, but she is able and willing to take charge.

ElderSon, heh. Poor kid. Not poor because he's deaf, though that's an extra degree of difficulty for practically everything, but being the eldest, he broke trail for his younger siblings as we rookie parents made the mistakes on him first. And we made plenty. He's learned to be resilient, and that's a great blessing to us. We never let his deafness be an excuse (sometimes a reason, but never an excuse) and he has found his way in the world. Just like we'd hoped for and worked for.

I love my kids. Being their father is, by far, my greatest joy in life. It has been my calling, and the rest has been connected to, or in support of that role. I've been a spouse, and been fired from that role, but I'll be Dad forever. That suits me just fine.

...


Watching them deal with what's going on with Tink has been hard. I've had to stand by, a lot, and watch and let them deal with it, without plunging in and doing stuff myself. This has been hard for me. It's been the only way to do things because Tink's not my wife anymore, and that's how she wanted it, how she got it, and I agreed (eventually) with it. That's settled. And I've walked a line at a respectful distance. When she was well this was no biggie. She was getting on fine, and I was too; I still am. I'm happy with my life. But I'm not hostile toward her. I am not in love with her but she is, and always will be important to me. I spent the greatest portion of my adult life married to her. I raised three kids with her. She is the mother of my children, and you all know my feelings toward my children.

So Tink's illness has had an impact on me, too. I feel bad that she's sick. I feel dread at the prospect of her death, having seen how her mother, brother, twin sister and others in her family all deteriorated and died. Though my ex-in-laws don't have any contact with me, I feel sad for them too. My ex-FIL has buried many of his family members, struck down by ALS. I feel terrible for my children who are watching their mother die. Their mother. This makes me saddest of all.



Quote:
Originally Posted by footfootfoot View Post
HOly Shit, V. I know exactly what that shit is all about. We took care of my late FIL in his final months of ALS.

Fucking cancer is a rainy day compared to ALS.

That's a big bucket of damn. I'm sorry.
I intend no disrespect to my friends who've battled cancer. My dad died of cancer in 2001. Fuck cancer sideways.

However.

ALS is cruel. ALS is mean and sadistic. They're there, right there, dying. Drowning under an inch of water and you can't touch them. It feels like they're being tortured to death. My kids; their mother. And my best contribution is to stand by and listen well. I hate ALS, I hate it so hard.

The combination of drinking and posting and this thread... it's not a good combo. I'm going to have to break up this particular group. I think I'll start with pizza. I'll be back later. I love you guys.
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Old 01-05-2015, 10:58 PM   #26
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Sorry for everything you're going through, V.
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Old 01-05-2015, 11:40 PM   #27
xoxoxoBruce
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gravdigr View Post
Because, I guess. I didn't ask him.

ETA: Also, the guy spoke a good deal more than fifteen seconds, which is about what it takes to read an obit.

Maybe he felt he needed some frills and dressing.

I was just trying to help BigV find a direction to start in.
Yeah yeah, don't be defensive. I asked because you said it was the best eulogy you'd heard, so I was curious if covering early history made it better or maybe the guy was just a good speaker.

Wow V, the ex? That's a really tough assignment, did someone ask you or did you volunteer for it? Who would be responsible for final arrangements?
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Old 01-06-2015, 12:09 AM   #28
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Sorry to hear you are going through this.
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Old 01-06-2015, 04:03 AM   #29
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V, I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. X

Sent by thought transference
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Old 01-06-2015, 04:32 AM   #30
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Christ, V, what a horrible, horrible thing for all concerned. *hugs*
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