Lets share some jokes

[Dude111]

Anyone ever heard of the new paint color SHERWIN WILLIAMS came out with? its "BLONDE" its not to bright but it spreads easy!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Did anyone know that sex was alot like KFC? after your done nibbling on the brest and thighs all your left with is a greasy box to put your bone in!!!!!!!!!!!! lol

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One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.


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A woman came home,screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said,'Oh my God! What should I pack ... beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'




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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband.



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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a drivers license.
First of course,he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'Im so tired of chardonay.'





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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful' he said 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE `are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when Im driving.'



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Fifty-one years ago,Herman James,a North Carolina mountain man,was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training,the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

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Lets hear more dues!!!

[BigV]

Living up to your username...

L. O. L.

[xoxoxoBruce]

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee" said one.
"Yes, I know" said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee".
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled" volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck" said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going" said an elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old" winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings" said one woman cheerfully "thankfully, we can all still drive".

[Gravdigr]

Those were all pretty good.

[xoxoxoBruce]

An apparition appears in your room, alongside a more successful looking doppelganger of yourself.

Apparition: " - and THIS is what you would be!"

Doppelganger: "Oh my god! Spare me these twisted visions, specter! I've learned my lesson!"

(both vanish)

You: Hey! what the fuck??

[Carruthers]

Someone threw an Omega 3 pill at me but don't worry, the injury was only super fish oil.

[xoxoxoBruce]

A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation.
He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself.
She said "I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer".
He replied "Yes, ma'am, I hear that a lot".

He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing - that he looked like Conway Twitty.

At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her.
He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed "Conway Twitty!"
The pastor stood there, stunned.
Then he said "Hello, darling!"

[tw]

You can shave all the jokes you want. But some just don't cut it.

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by Carruthers

Someone threw an Omega 3 pill at me but don't worry, the injury was only super fish oil.

Boo.