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Old 02-19-2004, 01:51 PM   #76
Slartibartfast
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The way I see it, Stacy approached the board looking for help and advice. She explained her situation. People gave her honest and good advice.

She explained some more about her situation. People repeated the same advice as before - which boiled down to get professional advice, and either completely forgive him, or end the relationship.

She kept explaining more of the situation. We hear the same advice given. By this point she has gone to get professional help, so this board has in fact pushed her to do something positive.

She keeps explaining more of the situation. By now what we are hearing is such deeply personal stuff it is making people cringe. Really, the best advice everyone has to give has been given by this point, real discussion is being more and more interrupted by snide remarks and wisecracks

She keeps explaining the situation. Now her husband is introduced, and we get tons more personal stuff. By now, we are far into freak-show territory.


Stacey, this is the only advice I have to give you, I think you have mined this board for all the advice and help you can get. I suggest you either approach people privately for more help, or finally make that big decision one way or the other before coming back here for more advice. This is of course my opinion, and others may think otherwise.

I honestly wish you the best.
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Old 02-19-2004, 05:13 PM   #77
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Nice speech, UT. BUT, I think she's getting screwed. It may not be vindictive or even intentional, but it's happening.
I'm a Libra. On one side of the scales I put all the information they gave us and the other side gets all the other relationships I've seen or lived. I form an opinion which is all any of us can give. It's not good.
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Old 02-20-2004, 08:57 AM   #78
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Not only that, but now the story is changing. And as (I think) UT pointed out, once we started picking apart Arsen's posts, she completely went to his side on things. As far as we're aware, nothing in thier relationship (aside from the bullshit "contract") has changed.

They aren't going to a therapist. They may have good intention to go, but lets think about it....he's not a citizen yet, according to her they have little money, and I know for a fact that if they try to go on welfare (for free therapy, if that exists) shit is going to hit the fan, because he doesn't have his green card yet.

The WORST thing you can do to this community is ask for advise, argue with us about the advice we give, and then FAIL TO ACT AT ALL.

See SierraMyst. (Or however you spell it).

I don't mind people asking for advice. We all have some to give. Many gave it. I don't mind her continuing to post and clarify the situation. I do have some respect for her, because I threw my shit down in the philosophy thread, and know how open to attack that makes you.

But I also know how it works. She ain't leaving him till she's damn good and ready, no matter what we say. She is still in that mentality. And maybe she shouldn't. I can't make that call.

But like Bruce, all I can do (as a Virgo) is take a critical look at the situation and the information presented to me, factor in personal experience, and I see all too clearly where this is going.

It's not pretty. And because I respect Stacey, and because I know where it's going, I gave my advice. I won't be mad if she doesn't take it, but I will be irritated if she does NOTHING. If you're going to do nothing, don't friggin ask in the first place.
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Old 02-20-2004, 12:36 PM   #79
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he has insurance through the car dealership he works at. i already went by myself last week, and we are going together on tuesday. so, i guess we are doing something about it. it didn't accomplish anything for me when i went. i sat there and talked a mile a minute for an hour, and then we made an appointment for next week. he didn't say much, except that arsen has the emotional maturity of a 16 year old and that i am high strung and that i need therapy of my own outside of marriage counseling - no shit, sherlock.
arsen is continuing to treat me with love and kindness. he is always kissing me and saying he wants his wife back. he doesn't want a greencard deal, he wants me to love him like i used to...
eva and i are communicating through e-mails. she says she wants to be my friend, that i should be there for arsen and love him like a mother, etc. she says she will pray for our marriage and she will not write to arsen unless he writes to her first.
i want to love him and forgive him. i've already decided to stay. i am just having a hard time with it. i don't seem to have feelings anymore. i am numb. i can have sex with him, but it's cheap and shallow. i cook for him, but it doesn't make me happy that i'm doing something nice for him. and anytime i hear a song on the radio from when we were dating and falling in love, it makes me sick. our past is shit. i don't feel warm when he holds me and when he says sweet, loving things, i don't listen. so, i guess this is what i'll address in therapy. i really want to repair us, and i am hoping that someday my feelings will come back. and, we ARE doing something about it. p.s. i am a virgo too.
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Old 02-20-2004, 12:45 PM   #80
wolf
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Stacey, it sounds like you have a lot more going on emotionally than just issues related to the marriage.

Go to a therapist, and NOT the same one that you are using for marriage counselling.
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Old 02-20-2004, 01:17 PM   #81
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Stacey, it sounds like you are really making some positive steps toward resolving some of these issues. It will probably be tough for a while, but you are resolving yourself to fixing the problem, right? I admire your persistence.
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Old 02-20-2004, 01:45 PM   #82
staceyv
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one more thing, since i have decided to stay, i am now worried that i am such an emotional basket case because of all of this, that i'm going to push him away. i have to find a way to heal and to forget about all of this, and it seems to be the hardest part of all. i know that if things are going to work out, i need to stop thinking about it, get the fuck over it, and love him, but i don't know how to go about doing that. i can't sleep at night, i wake up all the time from nightmares, i am tired, i feel sick, i rotate between sadness, numbness, and anger all day. i just want to get over it and forget about it all. i don't want to push him away and ruin our relationship if he is sincere about his love, and i think he is. i wish i could take lumberjim's advice, and go sit on his lap and love him, trust him, and forgive him 100% and get our life back, but i am just a wreck..wolf, you're right about me needing separate therapy..i wish the insurance would cover that.
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Old 02-20-2004, 01:53 PM   #83
wolf
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The insurance should cover that. Couples services are usually considered separate from individual.

Now your plan does probably have both yearly and lifetime caps on the number of sessions you can have ... check your plan booklet.

If they won't pay for you to go to a totally separate provider, is there another therapist within the same practice that you could also see? And schedule things such that you're only using their services about once every other week ... so you get a couples session then a private session, etc.

The amount of time you spend in couple's therapy may ultimately be shorter than the time you spend in individual. That's okay.

Oh, and you'll never forget. Don't obsess over it. The past cannot change. It's how you relate to your past and experience your present that counts.
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Old 02-20-2004, 02:48 PM   #84
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Quote:
Originally posted by wolf
Stacey, it sounds like you have a lot more going on emotionally than just issues related to the marriage.
And therein lies the crux. She came asking for advice regarding her relationship. The problem is that you simply can't be in a healthy/trusting/lasting relationship until you're settled within yourself. So no matter what advice she received regarding the marriage, it's all a moot point until she can fix her internal issues.

Healthy in, healthy out.

Oh, and I wish you luck with insurance in regards to therapy. They all preach about their great coverage, but when tested you'll find they only cover a few visits, normally enough to get you through a month or two, and then *poof* that's all until next year. To really get anything out of therapy you need to go for a solid chunk of time. So if you really want help you'll probably have to spend out of pocket.
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Old 02-21-2004, 12:27 AM   #85
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i am confident with myself. i know i am a good person, i respect myself, i have talents and abilities, i am intelligent, blah blah blah. yeah, the psychiatrist says i need extra therapy because my mother treated me like an unwanted pain in the ass during childhood and she was a bad role model. but as an adult, i've read a lot of psychology/self-help books, i have overcome all that shit...i need the extra therapy mostly because arsen is the true love of my life and i am a basket case over reading those letters, and i hate my fucking job...that doesn't mean i can't have a lasting, fulfilling relationship. i know who i am...and yeah, insurance sucks. this one will pay for 30 visits a year, but we're switching to an hmo next month...god only knows what will happen. now, no more posting drunk for me. see you tomorrow when i'm sober.
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Old 02-21-2004, 01:03 AM   #86
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If your therapist wants to treat you primarily for the way your mom treated you as a kid ... change therapists.

You need REALITY ORIENTED THERAPY focusing on your current issues and needs.
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Old 02-21-2004, 01:17 AM   #87
Beestie
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Quote:
Originally posted by staceyv
i am confident with myself. i know i am a good person, i respect myself, i have talents and abilities, i am intelligent, ...
In my thoroughly unprofessional opinion, I see a woman tortured by her past but who has a fundamentally sound psychological infrastructure. Sorry to sound so clinical but just callin' it like I see it. In my opinion, the news is good because while you might have some serious issues personally, your "core" is solid. If push comes to shove, blow off the marriage therapy for the personal therapy. Work through the "my mom is fucked up and fucked me up in the process (join the club)" and I guarantee the Arsen issue will pick up some serious clarity. I don't see how a couples therapist can help if you are still F'd up (I don't mean that in a bad way - just that you come first, the relationship comes second and the relationship will never be better than your own state of mind).

Don't be in a hurry, tho. These things take time. Don't be surprised if, in the process, you outgrow some things that you now regard as indespensible.

Your passion is admirable.
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Old 02-21-2004, 08:05 AM   #88
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Well, I hope things work out for you, Stace. I wonder, if at the end of therapy, you work through all your "stuff", and outgrow the emotional maturity of a 16 year old mate. Maybe if he gets his OWN personal therapy, he can grow with you, too, and hopefully you'll be growing in the same direction. That's really the crux of the issue. I really admire you trying to get your shit together. Listen to Wolf here, she knows her shit.
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Old 02-21-2004, 01:04 PM   #89
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question

So I am new this place and I just have a couple quick questions to Stacie how old are you and how many real relationships have you been in that have lasted over 6 months? I am not trying to instigate an argument I am just curious I have read most of the posts about the relationship and this has never really been brought up at all. (if it has I am sorry I just didn't find it)
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Old 02-21-2004, 02:17 PM   #90
xoxoxoBruce
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Read THIS thread, Nekee.
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