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Old 01-23-2008, 08:24 AM   #1591
classicman
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Old 01-23-2008, 04:20 PM   #1592
BigV
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translation:

I love Hillary Clinton. She gives me wood. (cue the violins)
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Old 01-23-2008, 04:37 PM   #1593
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That shirt would be even more funny with a photo of Ann Coulter.
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Old 01-23-2008, 10:12 PM   #1594
classicman
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I work for an ISP. One day a woman called, furious.

* Customer: "I bought the Internet the other day, and it ain't workin'."
* Tech Support: "Well, ma'am, can you explain what's happening?"
* Customer: "Well, I called that number that you gave me, and it don't do nothing."
* Tech Support: "What do you mean?"
* Customer: "When I call it, all it does is squeal in my ear!"

Silence.

* Tech Support: "Ma'am, do you have a computer?"
* Customer: "Computer? Hell, I pay you twenty dollars a month! I don't need a computer!"
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Old 01-23-2008, 11:35 PM   #1595
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(DCANet?)
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Old 01-23-2008, 11:51 PM   #1596
classicman
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I dunno UT - it was on the link from SD of computer idiots or something like that.
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Old 01-24-2008, 12:00 AM   #1597
lumberjim
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post #1538....1538!! reminded me of a joke....

one day.....at the pearly gates.....

St Peter is confronted with 3 young black hoodlums. he asks, "yes, can I help you?"

the hoodlums say...."well, i guess we are going into heaven?"

St.Peter is dubious. he stammers, " uh....one moment, if you please...." and excuses himself. he picks up the hotline and God answers.

"Yes, Peter?"
"uh.....God.....there's 3 Ghetto Gang bangers at the gates asking to be let in....."
God says, "Well, Peter, if they are at the gates, then they must have led lives worthy of entry to heaven. we are all brothers, please let them in."

3 minutes later, God's phone rings again. It's Peter again.
"uh...God....they're gone!"

"The 3 Hoodlums?" God asks.

"No! The Pearly Gates!"
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Old 01-24-2008, 12:02 AM   #1598
binky
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A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too ha d forgotten to get condoms, and asked i f she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

'Cleanup, Register 5'
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Old 01-24-2008, 10:27 AM   #1599
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Two Mexicans are riding on a bike along U.S. 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, Louisiana. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride.

He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town, and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down.

Sure enough "Old Smokey" pulls him over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly replies “Mexican eggs".

The Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer. He opens the back door and quickly shuts and locks it.

He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle!"
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Old 01-26-2008, 07:55 AM   #1600
TheMercenary
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A Kentucky couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed".

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
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Old 01-26-2008, 07:56 AM   #1601
TheMercenary
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Subject: SMART ASS ANSWERS


'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, ' Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

S MART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a st ock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car
and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Two bonus extras:

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?' The clerk says, 'What denomination?' The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
He never heard the shot.
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Old 01-26-2008, 09:47 AM   #1602
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Quote:
'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'
Here's your sign...

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Old 01-26-2008, 12:38 PM   #1603
xoxoxoBruce
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The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff, Battalion, and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, Sir, began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
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Old 01-28-2008, 10:32 AM   #1604
busterb
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News Special Report

6:00 news ,The Secretary of Defense briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all the color drained from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears. Finally, he composed himself and asked, "Just exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says, "Nice pigs, sir".

The President replies, "These are not pigs; these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs!

I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says.... "Excellent Trade Sir!"
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Old 01-29-2008, 11:44 PM   #1605
xoxoxoBruce
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Job Description
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis..
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right..
FOOTNOTE
THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!
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