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Old 04-05-2004, 02:10 PM   #181
wolf
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WORLD WIDE NEWS ALERT....EMERGENCY

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.
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Old 04-06-2004, 04:17 PM   #182
BrianR
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Location: Dallas, TX
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How to take a shower

How to Shower Like a Woman



1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.



2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.



4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.



5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.



6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.



7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.



8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.



9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.



10. Rinse conditioner off hair.



11. Shave armpits and legs.



12. Turn off shower.



13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.



14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.



15. Check entire body for blemishes, tweeze hairs.



16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.



17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.





How to Shower Like a Man



1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.



2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.



3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.



4. Get in the shower.



5. Wash your face.



6. Wash your armpits.



7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.



8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.



9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.



10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.



11. Shampoo your hair.



12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.



13. Pee.



14. Rinse off and get out of shower.



15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.



16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.



17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.



18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.



19. Throw wet towel on bed.
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Old 04-06-2004, 04:18 PM   #183
BrianR
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lost cell phone

Several men are in the locker room of a golf course clubhouse. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a
man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,500. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2004 models. I saw one I really
liked - a little coupe.
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$68,000"
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more little thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market.
They're only asking $750,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $725,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment with stark horror on their faces.
Then the man grins and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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Old 04-07-2004, 12:02 PM   #184
mrnoodle
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You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
====
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
====
Republican's Answer:

BANG!
====
Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click ....(sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice group, mommy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?
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Old 04-07-2004, 01:52 PM   #185
wolf
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No, honey, I switched to the Cor-Bons.

(and I'd need fewer bangs.)
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Old 04-07-2004, 03:37 PM   #186
Troubleshooter
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Quote:
Originally posted by wolf
No, honey, I switched to the Cor-Bons.

(and I'd need fewer bangs.)
The extra bangs are a litigation prevention measure.
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Old 04-09-2004, 09:47 AM   #187
lumberjim
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Posts: 24,091
Confessions of a closet carb fiend:

I probably shouldn't admit this to you younger readers, but when my
generation was your age, we did some pretty stupid things. I'm talking about
taking CRAZY risks. We drank water right from the tap. We used aspirin
bottles that you could actually open with your bare hands. We bought
appliances that were not festooned with helpful safety warnings such as ''DO
NOT BATHE WITH THIS TOASTER.''

But for sheer insanity, the wildest thing we did was -- prepare to be
shocked -- we deliberately ingested carbohydrates.

I know, I know. It was wrong. But we were young and foolish, and there was a
lot of peer pressure. You'd be at a party, and there would be a lava lamp
blooping away, and a Jimi Hendrix record playing (a ''record'' was a
primitive co! mpact disc that operated by static electricity). And then, when
the mood was right, somebody would say: ''You wanna do some 'drates?'' And
the next thing you know, there'd be a bowl of pretzels going around, or
crackers, or even potato chips, and we'd put these things into our mouths
and just ... EAT them.

I'm not proud of this. My only excuse was that we were ignorant. It's not
like now, when everybody knows how bad carbohydrates are, and virtually
every product is advertised as being ''low-carb,'' including beer, denture
adhesives, floor wax, tires, life insurance and Viagra. Back then, we had no
idea. Nobody did! Our own MOTHERS gave us bread!

Today, of course, nobody eats bread. People are terrified of all
carbohydrates, as evidenced by the recent mass robbery at a midtown
Manhattan restaurant, where 87 patrons turned their wallets over to a man
armed only with a strand of No. 8 spaghetti. (''Do what he says! He has
pasta!'') ! The city of Beverly Hills has been evacuated twice this month
because of reports -- false, thank heavens -- that terrorists had put a
bagel in the water supply.

But as I say, in the old days we didn't recognize the danger of
carbohydrates. We believed that the reason you got fat was from eating
''calories,'' which are tiny units of measurement that cause food to taste
good. When we wanted to lose weight, we went on low-calorie diets in which
we ate only inedible foods such as celery, which is actually a building
material, and grapefruit, which is nutritious, but offers the same level of
culinary satisfaction as chewing on an Odor Eater.

The problem with the low-calorie diet was that a normal human could stick to
it for, at most, four hours, at which point he or she would have no
biological choice but to sneak out to the garage and snork down an entire
bag of Snickers, sometimes without removing the wrappers. So nobody lost
weight, and everybody felt guilty all the time. Many people, in desperation,
turned to disco.

But then along came the bold food pioneer who invented the Atkins Diet: Dr.
Something Atkins. After decades of research on nutrition and weight gain --
including the now-famous Hostess Ding Dong Diet Experiment, which resulted
in a laboratory rat the size of a Plymouth Voyager -- Dr. Atkins discovered
an amazing thing: Calories don't matter! What matter are carbohydrates,
which result when a carbo molecule and a hydrate molecule collide at high
speeds and form tiny invisible doughnuts.

Dr. Atkins' discovery meant that -- incredible though it seemed -- as long
as you avoided carbohydrates, you could, without guilt, eat high-fat,
high-calorie foods such as cheese, bacon, lard, pork rinds and whale. You
could eat an entire pig, as long as the pig had not recently been exposed to
bread.

At first, like other groundbreaking pioneers such as Galil! eo and Eminem, Dr.
Atkins met with skepticism, even hostility. The low-calorie foods industry
went after him big time. The Celery Growers Association hired a detective to
-- yes -- stalk him. His car tires were repeatedly slashed by what police
determined to be shards of Melba toast.

But Dr. Atkins persisted, because he had a dream -- a dream that, some day,
he would help the human race by selling it 427 million diet books. And he
did, achieving vindication for his diet before his tragic demise in an
incident that the autopsy report listed as ''totally unrelated to the
undigested 28-pound bacon cheeseburger found in his stomach.''

But the Atkins Diet lives on, helping millions of Americans to lose weight.
The irony is, you can't tell this by looking at actual Americans, who have,
as a group, become so heavy that North America will soon be underwater as
far inland as Denver. Which can only mean one thing: You people are still
sneaki! ng Snickers. You should be ashamed of yourselves! Got any more?
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Old 04-09-2004, 12:20 PM   #188
Happy Monkey
I think this line's mostly filler.
 
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Location: DC
Posts: 12,920
Hey! Give my man Dave Barry some credit!
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Old 04-09-2004, 12:31 PM   #189
lumberjim
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Posts: 24,091
ah, so .....
it was sent to me in an email.....not credited.

good eye, HM
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Old 04-09-2004, 08:36 PM   #190
lumberjim
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Posts: 24,091
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Good" said the first bat, "because I fucken didn't"
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Old 04-13-2004, 01:11 PM   #191
wolf
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Location: Phila Burbs
Posts: 20,773
A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?"

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Liberal Democrat."
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Old 04-13-2004, 05:36 PM   #192
elf
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Posts: 214
Tasteless humor:

(stop me if you've heard it before. . . )

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

....
...
....
...
....

full.
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Old 04-15-2004, 12:58 AM   #193
Torrere
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Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Ann Arbor, Michigan
Posts: 1,120
A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
examine him about his recent diet.
"Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
the problem?"
The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
Tell me a bit about this missionary."
"Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
"Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
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Old 04-15-2004, 03:01 AM   #194
lumberjim
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 24,091
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked as well! That bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
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Old 04-15-2004, 03:19 PM   #195
cowhead
halve your cake and eat it too.
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Georgia.. by way of Lawrence Kansas
Posts: 1,359
links and such

not much in a joking mood right now.. but here are some fun links.

http://www.scarysquirrel.org/page1.html
(ware the fuzzy ones!)

http://www.millikin.edu/staley/fluff...nchor-Th-56460
(peep research.. yuppers the fluffy masrhmallow candy)

http://www.peepresearch.org/
(more peep research)

http://www.despair.com/indem.html
(de-motivators)

http://www.kaicurry.com/gwbush/more.html
(political cartoons)

http://www.crazybone.com/slang/index.php
(slang translator! take your favorite web site and have it translated to cockney rhyming slang!)

http://www.sr.se/cgi-bin/p1/src/sing/default.asp
(this is just cool)

http://home.bbspot.com/
(hee hee hee hee news for geeks..*clearing throat*)

http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/bbs/
(because...well.... good stuff)

http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/
(need I say more.. I like variety shows)

those ought to hold you for a bit.
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