Humor...I Need Humor...

[wolf]

Bluenecks ARE NORTHERNERS . By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF:

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is REALLY spicy!

3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.

5. You have never, ever eaten okra, fried or boiled.

6. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

7. You have no idea what a polecat is.

8. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

9. You don't have bangs.

10. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

11. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

12. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

13. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.

14. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the the head football coach salary.

15. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. (Not to even mention duct tape!)

16. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on ramp to the highway.

17. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

18. You call binoculars opera glasses.

19. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of road and stopping.

20. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

21. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice).

22. You don't have doilies, and you don't know how to make one.

23. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

24. You can do your laundry without quarters.

25. None of your fur coats are homemade.

[dar512]

I can go one better than the feed store hat. I've got a baseball hat for a manure company.

[Cyclefrance]

Originally Posted by dar512

I can go one better than the feed store hat. I've got a baseball hat for a manure company.

oooh, the temptation, the temptation.....

[wolf]

I have them for several manufacturers of firearms and tactical products. And a gunstore.

[Cyclefrance]

Breakfast will never seem the same again....

[Cyclefrance]

Not sure if this is the right home for this one - someone sent me this advising that one of the girls was English and wanted me to identify which one that might be....

[capnhowdy]

now that's a hard one

[xoxoxoBruce]

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.
Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.
As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

[Cyclefrance]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.
Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.
As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Nice one Bruce!

Reminds me of a true incident on the rather ancient and overcrowded underground train route in London that runs just between two stations - Waterloo and Bank (City of London) - oficially it's the Waterloo and City Line, but affectionately it is nick-named 'The Drain'. The journey takes about five minutes but seems like 15! The carriages are jam-packed filled to bursting during the commuter rush hour.

Generally the journey is undertaken in silence, but this particularly overcrowded morning one lady passenger had obviously reached the limit of her patience at being crushed between so many city gents, and her voice suddenly broke the quiet but otherwise ripe atmosphere: 'There are women in here you know!' to which there came the immediate chauvinistic reply:' Yes, they seem to turn up everywhere these days, don't they!' That exchange completed, the carriage returned to its normal silence for the rest of the journey. That's about as angry as we get.....

[BigV]

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and Blonde brains $190.00 a pound.’
So he asks the man behind the cashregister, “how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a Blonde's worth 190.00?”
The man replies, “do you know how many Blondes it takes to make a pound of brains?”


edit: It is so embarassing to have one's light roots revealed in print. Thanks 3ft!

[footfootfoot]

Edit big V, edit, lest we think you blonde.

[seakdivers]

hahahaha

[wolf]

This was the opening joke of the training I'm attending today and tomorrow:

There was a synagogue that was having a problem with squirrels. The squirrels had gotten in and infested the rafters. They would pelt the congregants with nuts as they were attempting to daven. The minyan was coming up short because one of the fellows was allergic to both fur and nuts. The Haddassah were at their wits' ends because the squirrels were nibbling the embroidered cloth covers off the Torah and stealing from the emergency basket of yamulkas. The Cantor was certain that squirrels do not keep kosher!! The squirrels were frustrating to all, and they approached the Rabbi. The wise old Rebbe Zimmerman pondered a bit and consulted the Talmud. "The Squirrels," he said, "are creatures of God and therefore they may live in God's Temple."

The Lutherans just down the street had a similar problem. Their squirrels were extra active because they would nibble on the grounds from the coffee urns. The Lutheran Elders met and decided that they would relocate the squirrels. At great expense they engaged the services of a squirrel trapper, who used no-kill traps to catch all of the squirrels. He transported them far into the woods before releasing them. All of the squirrels returned the following week and headed straight for the coffee urn.

The Lutheran minister and the Jewish Rabbi met with the Catholic priest whose parish chapel was just down the way from the church and the synagogue. Nothing there wasn't so much as a nutshell or squirrel in sight, they asked him if he also had a squirrel problem. "Yes," the priest said, "We did."

"You did? What happened to the squirrels?"

"I baptized all of them and welcomed them into the Catholic Church. Half of them don't show up at all anymore, and the other half only stop by for Christmas and Easter."

[BigV]

hahahah nice, nice.

[plthijinx]

Living Will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.