The drama that always infects my life...

bbro · 12-29-2010, 12:36 PM

I am so lost and hurt and upset right now and I need some opinions.

I started seeing a guy I like a little over a month ago. It is a situation in which he was on my friend's couch because he is currently going through a divorce. I was picking him up and dropping him off every night and decided to just let him stay with me. Probably not the wisest decision, but I was happy. He isn't working at the moment, but paid for all the food for the month. (More than my ex did) He is trying to decide what to do with the business he owns with his wife and if he should relocate. He also planned on looking for work in January when it would be more reasonable that people were hiring.

I had planned a trip home for the holidays and he had offered to drop me off and pick me up from the airport. I accepted hesitantly when I noticed how much he would drink during the day. I made him promise to not drink the day he was supposed to pick me up. He promised he wouldn't. The happiness continued.

Cut to yesterday. I am sitting at the airport calling him for 15 minutes. Finally a State Trooper picks up and tells me he is being arrested for suspicion of DWI. I am stranded at the airport. Luckily, I call a friend and they pick me up, drive me downtown to try and get my keys from him to no avail because an hour and a half after I talked to the trooper, he still hasn't been processed. I crash at my friend's house because I don't have any house keys. I get woken up at 4am by a bail bondsmen asking if I am going to pay his bail - approx 250.00. I can't afford this and tell him so. I assume that he gave my name and number to them. Try again this morning, but I couldn't wait long enough because my friend had an appointment to get to. After getting told that the detention center didn't know where my car was, I finally got it out of the state trooper's office. Luckily it isn't impounded. I stop at the rental office for my apartment complex and they give me spare keys to use. I get to the apartment to find that the front door has been open all along. And the back door didn't have the bar across it leaving it unlocked, too. I call another friend to go and look for the car. I find it on the side of the road with a sticker on it. The spare keys work fine and I am off.

Right now, I am so lost on what to do. I can't spend the money to get him out. I don't know if I want to stay with him even though I am bordering on loving him. I don't know how to find out any other information. And frankly, I don't know if I want to.

Basically - I feel like I am just completely lost on what to do next. Any advice?

Shawnee123 · 12-29-2010, 12:41 PM

Oh bbro. I hate to sound harsh, but experience tells me this: RUN. RUN FAR FAR AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK. I see nothing but trouble ahead, love or not, and you deserve far, far better. Please don't enable this guy. You'll only get used and hurt. If I followed my own advice, I'd be so much better off right now than I am.

I really am sorry, but this is my gut, veritably SCREAMING these things.

wolf · 12-29-2010, 12:50 PM

Kick his ass out. Be done with him.

And don't get involved with anyone in the middle of a divorce. I'm not saying stay away from divorced men, but wait until the ashes of the relationship cool.

And, believe his side of the story only with corroboration.

Many men do give accurate accounts of their separations and divorces ... but not all of them.

Sundae · 12-29-2010, 12:50 PM

Beeb, like Shawnee I know this isn't what you want to hear.
But the man is BAD NEWS.

Get out of it now, it will hurt you more in the long run.
It's ONLY a MONTH and he is still married anyway.
Imagine how you would feel if you'd committed seven years (as I did, in slightly different circumstances) and you were still bailing him out and he was still dithering about moving away from his wife.

I know Bruce has spoken up before about women slating men and turning them against their partners, but I'm sure even he would agree in this case.
The man does not care enough for you to stay sober enough to pick you up. Yes - addiction is an issue and I do empathise, but he still let you down. And he is still involved personally, legally and business-wise with another woman who will be recognised by all his friends and family as being his "real" partner.

In the words of Sheryl Crowe
Run baby run baby run baby run baby run..

Shawnee123 · 12-29-2010, 12:54 PM

Yeah, and totally don't trust anyone who doesn't need some heart-healing time after a divorce. I mean, it's such a monumental thing; I needed YEARS. The fact that he doesn't need any time tells me that he is a user (I would suspect he used his wife right up, too) or that he's heartless and fickle. Not the kind of person anyone needs in their life, if they're wanting a real and honest relationship.

The man couldn't be trusted to pick you up at the freaking airport: can he be trusted with being there when you need him for anything?

Clodfobble · 12-29-2010, 02:36 PM

If the state trooper hadn't stopped him, he would have driven drunk all the way to the airport. Maybe he would have killed a family along the way, or maybe he would have killed you on the trip home.

There was a time in my life when everyone around me was telling me to leave a certain guy, and I was really, really sure that I knew better than they did. I made the stupid choice, and the consequences were severe. This whole scenario is the perfect excuse to throw him out and break up with him. Do it before January 1st, and have a clean start to a new year.

skysidhe · 12-29-2010, 02:58 PM

Exactly, compatibility test #1 BIG FAIL

The fact you knew he would be drinking and to have to ask him to be sober enough to pick you up tells me you already know what the problems are.

It's better to be alone than to enable someone with big problems. It will only bring you more grief.

I am sorry bb

Pico and ME · 12-29-2010, 03:36 PM

Also consider that what you are feeling isnt love at all. He is just making you feel needed, and that in itself is powerful, I know, but don't let it fool you into thinking he loves you.

DanaC · 12-29-2010, 04:05 PM

Those kinds of expectations of support (such as sending him to you for the bail) are bad enough when it's a long term partner. You haven't known each other long enough for him to build up that kind of emotional account.

Nice as it is to be needed, ask yourself: do I want to be responsible for this man? Do I want to be his unheeded rock?

Even if you are falling for him; you are falling for a man who is necessarily going through a transitional stage in his life. That alone screams danger, even without the rest.

monster · 12-29-2010, 05:24 PM

I'm scared the cellar will blow up because everyone is in agreement. So for the sake of world peace....

Maybe your heart is right and this is the guy and you can change him and the drinking thing is just because he's not secure with you yet......... You have to give these things a chance,... it was probably just a hiccup.......

.........BULLSHIT.

Cut and run.

Right now this guy will only hurt you and damage your life. if there is any place in your life for him, it's too far into the future to contemplate right now, when he's reliably sober behind the wheel, in a plce of his own, and his divorce is clean, clear, cold and behind him. Don't wait for this to happen. You're worth more than that.

xoxoxoBruce · 12-29-2010, 05:43 PM

Bail out... now. Be thankful you're not in too deep, and found out before he really cost you big time.

Yeah, it's nice to have a warm body, especially in the winter, but in this case the price is way to high. Sorry, he might be a good guy, but he doesn't have his shit together right now, and with what he's facing ahead, he could get much worse.

footfootfoot · 12-29-2010, 10:52 PM

bbro, are you fucking retarded?

As much as I look forward to reading about your ever increasing spiral into self-injurious relationships and all the drama that goes with it, I can get enough of that shit at any local Al Anon meeting.

Seriously. You should go to a few of those meetings just for a sneak preview of what your life will be like with the knucklehead in about 6 months.

wolf · 12-30-2010, 12:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pico and ME

Also consider that what you are feeling isnt love at all. He is just making you feel needed, and that in itself is powerful, I know, but don't let it fool you into thinking he loves you.

... and Bingo was his name-o.

My mentor always used to tell me, "Sympathy is sexy."

He was right (so right he fucked up his career and life over that very thing).

TheMercenary · 12-30-2010, 08:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolf

Kick his ass out. Be done with him.

And don't get involved with anyone in the middle of a divorce. I'm not saying stay away from divorced men, but wait until the ashes of the relationship cool.

And, believe his side of the story only with corroboration.

Many men do give accurate accounts of their separations and divorces ... but not all of them.

Wolf nails it. Listen to her. Be done with it before you get in to deep. He has caused you enough trouble already. It would be different if you had a relationship well established, but you don't.

glatt · 12-30-2010, 09:11 AM

Guy is unemployed. (minor strike against him in this economy)

Guy abuses alcohol (major strike)

Guy made a promise to you and he broke it. You can't trust him. (Major, major, major strike against him)

He caused you serious inconvenience. (major strike)

And then he tried to hit you up for bail money. (strike)

He has a history of bad relationships. (major strike)

How many strikes does it take before he's out? Seriously? This is a no-brainer.

RUN!

12-29-2010, 12:41 PM	#2
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Oh bbro. I hate to sound harsh, but experience tells me this: RUN. RUN FAR FAR AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK. I see nothing but trouble ahead, love or not, and you deserve far, far better. Please don't enable this guy. You'll only get used and hurt. If I followed my own advice, I'd be so much better off right now than I am. I really am sorry, but this is my gut, veritably SCREAMING these things. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

12-29-2010, 12:50 PM	#3
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Kick his ass out. Be done with him. And don't get involved with anyone in the middle of a divorce. I'm not saying stay away from divorced men, but wait until the ashes of the relationship cool. And, believe his side of the story only with corroboration. Many men do give accurate accounts of their separations and divorces ... but not all of them. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

12-29-2010, 12:50 PM	#4
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Beeb, like Shawnee I know this isn't what you want to hear. But the man is BAD NEWS. Get out of it now, it will hurt you more in the long run. It's ONLY a MONTH and he is still married anyway. Imagine how you would feel if you'd committed seven years (as I did, in slightly different circumstances) and you were still bailing him out and he was still dithering about moving away from his wife. I know Bruce has spoken up before about women slating men and turning them against their partners, but I'm sure even he would agree in this case. The man does not care enough for you to stay sober enough to pick you up. Yes - addiction is an issue and I do empathise, but he still let you down. And he is still involved personally, legally and business-wise with another woman who will be recognised by all his friends and family as being his "real" partner. In the words of Sheryl Crowe Run baby run baby run baby run baby run.. __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

12-29-2010, 12:54 PM	#5
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Yeah, and totally don't trust anyone who doesn't need some heart-healing time after a divorce. I mean, it's such a monumental thing; I needed YEARS. The fact that he doesn't need any time tells me that he is a user (I would suspect he used his wife right up, too) or that he's heartless and fickle. Not the kind of person anyone needs in their life, if they're wanting a real and honest relationship. The man couldn't be trusted to pick you up at the freaking airport: can he be trusted with being there when you need him for anything? __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

12-29-2010, 02:36 PM	#6
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	If the state trooper hadn't stopped him, he would have driven drunk all the way to the airport. Maybe he would have killed a family along the way, or maybe he would have killed you on the trip home. There was a time in my life when everyone around me was telling me to leave a certain guy, and I was really, really sure that I knew better than they did. I made the stupid choice, and the consequences were severe. This whole scenario is the perfect excuse to throw him out and break up with him. Do it before January 1st, and have a clean start to a new year. __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

12-29-2010, 12:36 PM	#1
bbro Insert witty comment here Join Date: May 2004 Location: Raleigh, NC Posts: 2,182	The drama that always infects my life... I am so lost and hurt and upset right now and I need some opinions. I started seeing a guy I like a little over a month ago. It is a situation in which he was on my friend's couch because he is currently going through a divorce. I was picking him up and dropping him off every night and decided to just let him stay with me. Probably not the wisest decision, but I was happy. He isn't working at the moment, but paid for all the food for the month. (More than my ex did) He is trying to decide what to do with the business he owns with his wife and if he should relocate. He also planned on looking for work in January when it would be more reasonable that people were hiring. I had planned a trip home for the holidays and he had offered to drop me off and pick me up from the airport. I accepted hesitantly when I noticed how much he would drink during the day. I made him promise to not drink the day he was supposed to pick me up. He promised he wouldn't. The happiness continued. Cut to yesterday. I am sitting at the airport calling him for 15 minutes. Finally a State Trooper picks up and tells me he is being arrested for suspicion of DWI. I am stranded at the airport. Luckily, I call a friend and they pick me up, drive me downtown to try and get my keys from him to no avail because an hour and a half after I talked to the trooper, he still hasn't been processed. I crash at my friend's house because I don't have any house keys. I get woken up at 4am by a bail bondsmen asking if I am going to pay his bail - approx 250.00. I can't afford this and tell him so. I assume that he gave my name and number to them. Try again this morning, but I couldn't wait long enough because my friend had an appointment to get to. After getting told that the detention center didn't know where my car was, I finally got it out of the state trooper's office. Luckily it isn't impounded. I stop at the rental office for my apartment complex and they give me spare keys to use. I get to the apartment to find that the front door has been open all along. And the back door didn't have the bar across it leaving it unlocked, too. I call another friend to go and look for the car. I find it on the side of the road with a sticker on it. The spare keys work fine and I am off. Right now, I am so lost on what to do. I can't spend the money to get him out. I don't know if I want to stay with him even though I am bordering on loving him. I don't know how to find out any other information. And frankly, I don't know if I want to. Basically - I feel like I am just completely lost on what to do next. Any advice?

12-29-2010, 02:58 PM	#7
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	Exactly, compatibility test #1 BIG FAIL The fact you knew he would be drinking and to have to ask him to be sober enough to pick you up tells me you already know what the problems are. It's better to be alone than to enable someone with big problems. It will only bring you more grief. I am sorry bb

12-29-2010, 03:36 PM	#8
Pico and ME Are you knock-kneed? Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Middle Hoosierland Posts: 3,549	Also consider that what you are feeling isnt love at all. He is just making you feel needed, and that in itself is powerful, I know, but don't let it fool you into thinking he loves you.

12-29-2010, 05:24 PM	#10
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	I'm scared the cellar will blow up because everyone is in agreement. So for the sake of world peace.... Maybe your heart is right and this is the guy and you can change him and the drinking thing is just because he's not secure with you yet......... You have to give these things a chance,... it was probably just a hiccup....... .........BULLSHIT. Cut and run. Right now this guy will only hurt you and damage your life. if there is any place in your life for him, it's too far into the future to contemplate right now, when he's reliably sober behind the wheel, in a plce of his own, and his divorce is clean, clear, cold and behind him. Don't wait for this to happen. You're worth more than that. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

12-29-2010, 05:43 PM	#11
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Bail out... now. Be thankful you're not in too deep, and found out before he really cost you big time. Yeah, it's nice to have a warm body, especially in the winter, but in this case the price is way to high. Sorry, he might be a good guy, but he doesn't have his shit together right now, and with what he's facing ahead, he could get much worse. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-29-2010, 10:52 PM	#12
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	bbro, are you fucking retarded? As much as I look forward to reading about your ever increasing spiral into self-injurious relationships and all the drama that goes with it, I can get enough of that shit at any local Al Anon meeting. Seriously. You should go to a few of those meetings just for a sneak preview of what your life will be like with the knucklehead in about 6 months. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

12-30-2010, 09:11 AM	#15
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	Guy is unemployed. (minor strike against him in this economy) Guy abuses alcohol (major strike) Guy made a promise to you and he broke it. You can't trust him. (Major, major, major strike against him) He caused you serious inconvenience. (major strike) And then he tried to hit you up for bail money. (strike) He has a history of bad relationships. (major strike) How many strikes does it take before he's out? Seriously? This is a no-brainer. RUN!

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