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Old 02-06-2014, 05:37 PM   #136
Clodfobble
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Originally Posted by footfootfoot
Transition stress can be minimized by the adults getting the kidsí shit in one sock before the transition, having a checklist and a routine makes the transitions more predictable.
It also helps if you can reduce the amount of shit that actually has to go in the sock. My back-and-forth schedule with my parents was not only every couple of days, it was completely different every week. Every so often my dad would give my mom a list of dates when he was going out of town for work (their agreement was, whenever he was in town, we were with him, which worked out to about 50/50 anyway) and she'd print up two copies of a nicely-formatted calendar, to be stuck on the fridge at each house. We always knew who was picking us up from school, and when we grew older we always knew which bus to take home. Transitions were never on weekends, so there was never any face-to-face confrontation, or impatient car sitting on the street.

There was no "return the clothes that I bought to my house," whatever we were wearing just went with us. Same with books and other personal possessions. We either had two of things, or it was all ours and the parents didn't take ownership of the transfer. In the decade of living like this, only maybe three times did we happen to end up with no nice clothes at one house, or no athletic shoes at the other. Then we'd just pack a small bag to even things out.

This is probably not going to work with a control freak involved, though. My stepkids' mom once accused us of deliberately stealing a pair of shorts, so I understand what it's like to try to work with lunacy.
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Old 02-06-2014, 06:01 PM   #137
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Here's a great example from today.

The inch was invited to his pal's birthday party to be held at a local family run ski area. The pal has been skiing and snowboarding since he was a fetus, the inch just began snow boarding this year.

Mom of inch tells him the other day "I have some bad news, pal and others are skiing and not snowboarding, but you can go to the party after." Tears.

I say "Look, skiing is easy, you can learn it in a few minutes, I'm sure they are not all going to be skiing on black diamonds."

Mom of inch: "No, pal has been skiing since forever and all his friends have too, they're going to spend the whole day on suicide missions."

Me: "Let's call and ask what the story is." Still tears.

I ask her WTF is her problem? (Why I need to ask that question is a question in itself)

Today I pick up Pal of Inch for a playdate and ask him about the party and if he thinks Inch can handle sking and would Pal be willing to show him the ropes and hang with him on the easy slopes.

Pal answers affirmative to all and then adds, and here I shit you not, "You can ski if you want to, Inch, but I'm going to be SNOWBOARDING all day."

Way to go Mom of inch. Typical typical typical.

I fucking hate her
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Last edited by footfootfoot; 02-06-2014 at 06:03 PM. Reason: I fucking hate her
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Old 02-06-2014, 06:27 PM   #138
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So, I'm curious. Even if the marriage is not good, getting a divorce is a hard thing to do?
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Old 02-06-2014, 06:28 PM   #139
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I get my kids every other Saturday night..keep them until Sunday at about 8. on off weeks, I get them on Sunday morning at 10am, until 8p. And then I come up most Wednesdays and get them after school and have them until 8. The weds is kind of tough...I drive 3 hours to see them for 4.... so sometimes I beg off, so I can get some things done. It's pretty much my only time to myself.... cuz I work most of the rest of the week 9-9. I get the odd Tuesday morning or Friday afternoon to myself....

The best is when I have them Sat night, and Amanda picks them up from jinx and brings them to my house, then takes them home. I burn 2/3 of a tank of gas going up and back. Jinx has been super easy to deal with in this one area. I try to be as accommodating as possible too.

I really enjoyed having them 3 days solid over christmas.... these little short visits are cool, because I see them twice a week usually... but it's hard to get into anything but a day trip... and in winter... we just kind of wind up hanging out, being lazy. maybe go bowling, or out to eat...

I've learned that kids are very adaptable. but also...to pay attention to how they are reacting and to ask them occasionally if they are bothered by the arrangement. I found that Ripley was getting resentful when I would skip a Weds... or if I didn't pay enough attention when I DID have them. so we talked about it, and she let me know how she felt. ..and I let her know that sometimes I need some free time. She's 13, so most things are mostly a big deal. Spencer just rolls with it. as long as he has his laptop, tablet, phone, and a wifi connection, you can't piss him off.

Still... our relationship has definitely changed a bit. I wish I could be the one that has them 5 days a week, but it really is better for them to be with their mother. As far as I can tell, she is still an excellent, caring, and smart mother... not the kind of crazy you're dealing with foot. I still don't think she'd spit on me if I was on fire... but she seems to like my kids, so... hey.
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Old 02-06-2014, 06:33 PM   #140
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Originally Posted by Lola Bunny View Post
So, I'm curious. Even if the marriage is not good, getting a divorce is a hard thing to do?
getting divorced is unbelievable heartbreaking and painful. shitty, confusing, humiliating, gut wrenching, etc. I remember Spencer asking me on the phone, a few days after I moved out, if me and mommy didnt love each other anymore. how the fuck to you reply to that? you can't lie to him... you can't NOT answer. I told him I still loved her, and I was unsure about how she felt, but that we were going to be apart for some time until she could figure it out.

that was the worst thing ever.

HOWEVER!

BEING divorced is awesome. I can do whatever the fuck I like. And the voice in my head is now my own voice, not hers. ha!
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Old 02-06-2014, 06:37 PM   #141
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Thanks, Jim.

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Old 02-06-2014, 06:49 PM   #142
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So, I'm curious. Even if the marriage is not good, getting a divorce is a hard thing to do?
Kids make everything harder even when the marriage is good.
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Old 02-06-2014, 08:28 PM   #143
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Originally Posted by footfootfoot View Post
Today I pick up Pal of Inch for a playdate and ask him about the party and if he thinks Inch can handle sking and would Pal be willing to show him the ropes and hang with him on the easy slopes.

Pal answers affirmative to all and then adds, and here I shit you not, "You can ski if you want to, Inch, but I'm going to be SNOWBOARDING all day."

Way to go Mom of inch. Typical typical typical.

I fucking hate her
Gaah. Crazymaking behavior is so bad for kids. Glad they have you, foot.
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Old 02-06-2014, 09:34 PM   #144
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getting divorced is unbelievable heartbreaking and painful. shitty, confusing, humiliating, gut wrenching, etc.
It can be all that without any kids in the picture.
Sometimes they alternate with relief, euphoria, hope and affirmation... all in an afternoon.
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Old 02-07-2014, 06:45 AM   #145
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Add guilt to the party. Constant and nagging, sometimes flaring up until you can't actually see and all you can do is breathe and hope it passes.
Waking up every morning and remembering what's going on and feeling it like a physical blow.
And the dreams... I still have dreams that make me so sad. Some I'm glad to wake up from and realise I don't have to go through it all again. Some where I wake up and am sad because I did go through it.

Put me off relationships for good.
I haven't had anything more serious than a fling since.
Although my fling with the Evil Ex did last seven years, we never actually shared eachother's lives. When I finally knocked it on the head for good (the fling, not him) there was no-one in my life who even knew about him, let alone anyone who'd met him. Oh I lie, he met my parents once.

My actual divorce was just a piece of paper.
It went through without me contesting it because we'd been separated for three years.
It was the separation that hurt, and I count those months as equivilant to the process of divorce being discussed here.
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Old 02-07-2014, 08:22 AM   #146
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Even without having to go through divorce, ending a long term relationship is hard.

J and I lived together for 13 years. Our entire adult life at the point we separated. It was painful and messy and full of mixed and confused emotions.

And, much as I loved, and still love, him, and as many wonderful times as there were, as a whole that relationship pretty much put me off relationships altogether.

Had a fling with Dave, but it was never going to go beyond that. I know I prefer to be single.
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Old 02-07-2014, 10:40 AM   #147
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Divorce is like putting down an old dog. You know it's time, you know it's the right thing to do, but it's always full of painful mixed emotions.
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Old 02-07-2014, 10:54 AM   #148
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I agree with everyone's perspective on divorce/ ending a LTR. It's freaking awful. Though my ex and I have remained the best of friends (which really freaks people out for some reason) the pain of what happened, of all that we went through, will never go away and I am still haunted by who those people were (by people I mean me and him.) It changed me. Not for the better. I'm just now learning how naÔve I was when I was younger. I thought the world held great things, full of laughter and fun. Maybe I was a bit sheltered, I don't know. Maybe I never grew up.

But I remember all the really good things. That's why we are still friends. We're damn good at being friends, not so good at marriage. I doubt I'll ever get married again.
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Old 02-07-2014, 02:06 PM   #149
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The world is full of everything, shaw. Laughter, fun, pain, doubt, etc...

The wolf you feed grows stronger. Dwell in misery, or starve it the Fuck out. You choose.
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Old 02-07-2014, 02:38 PM   #150
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I starved that wolf the fuck out.
No-one to obsess about, get jealous about, cause misery to, emasculate.
And on the flip side no-one to cheat on me, hurt me, compare me to other women.

I win.
Or at least no decent guy loses.
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