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Parenting Bringing up the shorties so they aren't completely messed up

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Old 08-19-2009, 08:18 AM   #31
Sundae
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Griff, I don't think it's a slavery thing. One of the worst child abuse cases in this country (codicil, there have been others) was perpetrated by an African woman on her great-niece - who had taken said girl into her custody to give her a better life.

I'm not suggesting for a second that black people are more disposed to violence towards their children. But I think blaming slavery would be an equally shocking assumption. What I found hard to understand was the vitriol poured upon Social Services in this and another high profile case (so-called Baby P). Of course I believe children should be protected. Of course if a child dies and is subsequently found to have 128 separet injuries it is horrific. But for goodness sake - the people who draw a wage in this field are not coining it in. They are not deliberately ignoring signs. They are dealing with devious, callous and unpleasant adults.

Those kind of people, do you think they might lie? Duh! Do you think they might deceive? Hello!

Mistakes were made. Of course. A child (children) died. This has got to hurt people who chose to work with vulnerable people far more than it does journalists. But they still cry full tongue and go on the hunt.

Anyway, sorry - diverted.

I was smacked but never spanked. English usage.
This means I was walloped on the back of the legs in anger rather than being placed over a lap and hit repeatedly.

It terrified me. But I was always more scared of my parents' anger than I was the actual blow. Dads could make me cry (genuinely, not crocodile tears - any crying in our house was reviled by Mum) just by telling me how disappointed he was. He lost his temper about 5 times in the whole time I was growing up, and even the memory of it makes me well up now. Not because he was violent - he never was - but because I knew it was my fault.

Mum, now. Well. I've written a lot here about her. But she does have a temper. And so do I. And we rubbed eachother up so much the wrong way. She smacked me on the legs. Sometimes as I was running up the stairs away from her. But far worse was her tongue lashings. The smackings were scary - I mean, really. My adrenaline kicked in. Silly when after all it's just your Mum.

But the things she said. Well - some of them are still with me.
And they were nasty.
Intended to make me behave, conform, get by in society.
All well meant. Some devastating.
And some life-defining. Like saying, "You just wait, you'll have a child who's as spiteful as you and it will serve you right!" No thanks, Mum. No kids for me.

Smacking is pretty bad.
Some things are worse.
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Last edited by Sundae; 08-19-2009 at 08:23 AM.
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Old 08-19-2009, 12:38 PM   #32
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Originally Posted by Griff View Post
Does anyone want to link this to the Southern thread or the hate thread?
Well, I think it does have something to do with where you grew up. In my case in North Carolina spankings were fairly common, including (especially?) at school. Whereas Mrs. Dallas grew up in New Jersey, where it was banned in the schools, and thought it was beyond barbaric when she encountered it in Pennsylvania as a student teacher.
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Old 08-19-2009, 01:03 PM   #33
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All this reminds me of the spanking thread we had a long time ago where juju got extremely upset and railed and screamed at every parent on here who admitted to spanking their child... until finally it came out that "spanking" as he experienced it as a child meant truly violent child abuse, and he had thought that's what everyone had been talking about the whole time. Ah, good times.
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Old 08-19-2009, 01:25 PM   #34
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All this reminds me of the spanking thread we had a long time ago where juju got extremely upset and railed and screamed at every parent on here who admitted to spanking their child... until finally it came out that "spanking" as he experienced it as a child meant truly violent child abuse, and he had thought that's what everyone had been talking about the whole time. Ah, good times.
http://www.cellar.org/showthread.php...light=spanking

there is the cutest picture of the mini JJs on there.
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Old 08-19-2009, 03:37 PM   #35
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I can count on one hand the number of times I was hit by my parents through my childhood. And the only time I was ever spanked (English usage) was really quite tragic lol. My poor Dad was at his wits end. I had driven him absolutely to distraction. Poor bugger was just trying to get some sleep during the day before going to his night job. It is the only time I was ever put across a knee, and he barely tapped me. I honestly barely felt the smacks. But I recall the humiliation. I also know that he felt guilty about it for years after.

The only time he ever hit me hard was on one occasion when he cracked me across the back of the head with his hand. That hurt. But it didn't hurt half as much as I made it seem. Again, this was a desperate response to my keeping him awake when he was trying to sleep. In fact I had quite deliberately wound him up, by stomping up and down the stairs ( I cannot recall why I was doing this). Again this was something he felt very guilty about and he and mum ended up having a big row about it.

The only time I can recall Mum actually hitting me was as a teenager. We had a blazing row and I think I may have screamed the words 'I fucking hate you' in her face ... she was going through some difficult times and I was really not helping matters :P She lost her temper and slapped me accross the face. This is something she still says she feels guilty about, though God knows if ever a teenager 'deserved' a slap in the face it was me :P

I believe Dad started out as an authoritarian type of parent with my Bro, before I came along. I know he was more inclined to smack him when he was little, than he was with me. He'd mellowed and become comfortable with the role of Father by the time I came along and had come to the conclusion (along with Mum who'd always been that way) that it simply was not right to engage in any violent act with children.

Neither of them needed to use smacking/spanking to make their point. Most of the time either one of them could bring us to heel with the very thought that they were disappointed or angry ( I say 'we' by which I mean 'me'; there wasn't much need to bring my Bro to heel he just did his own thing in his own way and didn;t really do 'naughty': a quiet rebel my Bro) Having talked to them as adults I know that on each of those very few occasions where they resorted to such a response, they themselves considered that a failing: they'd lost control and out of anger, or desperation, or tiredness they'd done something that was counter-productive and 'wrong' in their own terms.

When Dad hit me that time after I'd deliberately woken him up (again), it didn't work because it was a 'punishment' or consequence of my action; it worked because I knew I'd pushed him to the point that he had become someone else for a moment. Because My Dad just wouldn't do that. That made me feel bad. And so I engaged in a little childish self-analysis. I had a similar response to Mum slapping me. (after the obligatory storming out and slamming of doors along with the declaration that was leaving!)

What taught me 'consequences' were their non-violent responses. Not being allowed to play out for a few days. That hurt. Being sent to bed early. That hurt. Them being disappointed hurt most of all. Getting hit was just fucking weird. Weirded me out, and weirded them out too.
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Old 08-19-2009, 08:08 PM   #36
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I was told once that I should never hit my kids out of anger...it just so happens that the only time I've ever wanted to hit my kids is when I've been angry. Following the advice, I've never hit my kids.
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Old 08-21-2009, 05:35 AM   #37
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I've smacked the boys, never with objects, never with clothing removed.....just a whack on the bum/hand, or in recent times....I clipped Tyler up the back of the head for being a smart cuss and calling his little brother a *fuck head*.

I know, I swear, but I dont use those kinda words at the kids or around them. Must of picked that one up at school.
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Old 08-21-2009, 06:51 AM   #38
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Well, at least he's learning something.
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Old 08-21-2009, 09:58 AM   #39
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Must of picked that one up at school.
The eternal refrain of parents from every country and every century.
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Old 08-21-2009, 01:13 PM   #40
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I, too, was taught never to strike my children when I'm angry.

I laugh hysterically when I'm beating them though. Not an ounce of anger in it, just pure joy in their misery.

Anyway, both of my children have been spanked and more than likely will be again. There is no one form of discipline that works for every child. Timeout has never once been effective with Lil Lookout, while it is the perfect cure for 2.0. Lil Lookout does respond to a quick spanking as it tends to snap him out of whatever behavior I mean to interrupt. 2.0 is a beast and I could probably beat his ass red and he'd still be laughing, BUT if he get a tap from a wooden spoon his attitude changes immediately. I don't beat him with a spoon, merely a quick tap, but that is only secondary to the real discipline there. 2.0 is in love with having shoes on, so the real issue is removing his shoes.

Weird, but the point is that there is a very big difference between abusive behavior and physical methods for discipline.
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Old 08-21-2009, 05:49 PM   #41
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That might have made a little more sense if I'd pointed out that the wooden spoon tap is on the heel of the foot. I guess the mention of shoes being removed seemed pretty damn random without that.
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