Cheating

[limey]

Originally Posted by Brianna

Prof. Green Beaner didn't lie to me--he told me straight out. AND he didn't think he was doing anything wrong. Maybe I've been too hard on him...should give him another chance!

Oh god I do hope you are joking ...

[Trilby]

Originally Posted by limey

Oh god I do hope you are joking ...

yeah, I am. I just wanted to point out that even when someone is being all "honest" with you and fessing up to doing/seeing other people it doesn't feel very good.

The magic is totally gone from my relationship with him. There's NOTHING there anymore. That makes me kinda happy but it makes me kinda sad, too.

[Rock Steady]

Originally Posted by Brianna

yeah, I am. I just wanted to point out that even when someone is being all "honest" with you and fessing up to doing/seeing other people it doesn't feel very good.

Yes, I could tell by the way you wrote it that you were joking. It didn't have the tone of desperation as in the past.

The magic is totally gone from my relationship with him. There's NOTHING there anymore. That makes me kinda happy but it makes me kinda sad, too.

I get that feeling when I leave a job; I know it's what I need to do, but it's sad ending the relationship. I feel sad driving away from the office for the last time. In fact, I just did this yesterday. I left three jobs since January.

As a friend recently told me, "As I get older, more things have to line up right for me to be comfortable." This is true in job relationships and personal relationships.

[Trilby]

Originally Posted by wolf

(really, do what you think you need to do, and understand how this differs from what you want to do.)

Doing what I NEED to do instead of what I WANT to do is the very basis of my now-philosophy! As in, "I need to do this NOW so I can continue to live" vs. "I WANT to do this {insert particular Bad Thing here} but, sadly, it would kill me." *


*Oprah never helped me with any of this, I swear.

[wolf]

Just think of me as your own, personal Dr. Phil.

[Iggy]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

If you agreed not to do it, but still do, then yes, it's cheating.
My point was if you do it, say you do it, don't hide the fact that you do it, have not agreed not to do it, it's not cheating just because they don't like it. Then it's a disagreement.

Exactly.

[Aliantha]

My b/f and I had a discussion about cheating just a few days ago. I asked him what he'd do if I ever cheated on him and he immediately said he'd forgive me and so I asked why, and he said, because he loves me. I then told him that if he cheated on me I'd never forgive him and that it'd be over between us. He said he knew that, but that it didn't change what he'd do if I ever did. Kinda blew me away really because I know he meant what he said.

I think cheating means different things to different people, and maybe sometimes it is just about sex and nothing to do with emotions. Unfortunately, there are few of us who can make that distinction clearly, particularly the women I suspect.

[Ibby]

Thats the exact same conversation I've had with mah girl. I know she'd totally kill me if I did, but I also know that she knows I never would. I, on the other hand, would completely forgive her, because as long as she's happy...

[DucksNuts]

When I was 18, my then boyfriend and I had a huge bust up and we technically *split up*.

I went out, got drunk and went home with a mutual friend.

The next day, bf came looking for me to apologise and make up. He pulled up beside me in his car and we were chatting. He asked what I had gotten up to the nite before and me being me....blurted out the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I had just finished telling him which mutual friend I had gone home with, when who should walk around the corner and head over to say hello??....yes...the mutual friend.

Anyways, bf took me back, but the trust was gone....we made it work for a good while afterwards, but it just wasnt quite the same.



I guess for me, the cheating begins with the mind, then the other body parts and heart follow.

[BigV]

Originally Posted by RS

As a friend recently told me, "As I get older, more things have to line up right for me to be comfortable." This is true in job relationships and personal relationships.

Interestingly, I find the opposite to be true.

I've found that things line up, and the "alignment" varies, I know you know. But my response to it is up to me. My "comfortable-ness" is up to me. And as I age, it has less to do with external circumstances, and more to do with my acceptance of those circumstances. This is probably the result of growing in grace and wisdom, with a generous helping of lowering standards. YMMV.

[yesman065]

My wife cheated on me while we were still dating. We had a long talk about it and I forgave her - we eventually got married and after she had a revelation about her drugging and drinking, came clean on everything. This included that after 17 years of marriage she had cheated on me several more times with "friends" of mine. Needless to say none of them are friends anymore (never really were) and she is not my wife either. Point is that I honestly forgave her initial discretion, but the others were too much for me to bear and it eventually eroded all trust and ended the relationship.

[Jabbly]

I think there is merit in the view that if your partner thinks something is cheating then you should respect their feelings and not do it. Besides, if your morals don't align at least most of the time what hope does your relationship have? I certainly wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someoneone who thinks it's acceptable to kiss someone else!

That being said, this can be taken too far. For example a person disaproving of their partner having friends of the opposite sex is just ridiculous! IMO not letting them look either is silly. My BF has a healthy interest in attractive women and he doesn't hide it. He openly admires them in my presence which doesn't bother me at all. I'd be worried if he didn't admire the likes of Jessica Alba!

As for my definition of cheating, I believe any physical activity between two people that is unnecessarily ... friendly ... could be considered cheating, taking into consideration the normal way the people involved interact with other people. Obviously there are varying degrees of betrayal and you have to judge each situation on it's own merits.

Emotional cheating is a lot harder to identify and define. I'd be a hell of a lot more hurt by this kind of thing than if my partner had a one night stand or something. Of course the physical aspect can stem from emotional betrayal in which case it would be as bad or even worse.

And not lying about the fact that you're sleeping with someone else or whatever it is you're doing doesn't make your actions any less cheating!

[limey]

Originally Posted by Jabbly

.... For example a person disaproving of their partner having friends of the opposite sex is just ridiculous!
...
Emotional cheating is a lot harder to identify and define. I'd be a hell of a lot more hurt by this kind of thing than if my partner had a one night stand or something. ...

But where does having friends of the opposite sex end and emotional cheating begin? When your partner will confide things to a friend of the opposite sex that he wouldn't confide to you? What if he would confide these to a friend of the same sex, but not to you?

I suspect that cheating is rather like pornography . As the judge presiding over the Lady Chatterly's Lover case said ' I do not know how to define pornography , but I know what it is when I see it' .
This also shows how subjective this sort of judgement is . Lady Chatterly's Lover is no longer seen as a pornographic book by mainstream Westerners , but it would certainly be seen as morally outrageous by a mullah in Irak . Depends on you , your culture , the time in which you live , and the other person involved.

Personally , I promised my husband I would be faithful to him until the day I die . I have always been both emotionally and physically faithful to him . I do not think that the mind can be separated from the body . That is how I am , and am fortunate to love someone who believes the same . But , as I said , this is naturally and necessarily a very subjective viewpoint .