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Old 12-01-2014, 04:35 PM   #136
Gravdigr
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monster View Post
I hope a bird shits on your windshield and your washer water is frozen
CLOSE!

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Nov. 10, 2014

So there I was, scootering down the road, minding my own business, when all of a sudden SPLAT!

I first saw it when it was about 3 feet out in front of me, and about 1 foot above my line of sight. I saw it. There was no time to react, as I was scootering along at pretty good clip, about 40 mph. I remember closing my eyes. I didn't even have time to cuss. I knew what it was before it hit me (no pun intended).

So, now, here I am, running down the road after some avian asshole has loosened it's load, on my eye, watching, with macro vision, as this chalky, white lump of birdturd slowly gets pushed around my glasses' lens by the wind. The most of it was fairly liquid. But, this turd keeps moving around, the wind is pushing it toward the outside edge of the lens. I realize that if this turd of bird runs out of lens, it's gonna continue to be pushed by the wind. Onto, and then, I assume, across my face. Into my hair.

By the way, I'm in traffic, there ain't gonna be no "GAHBIRDSHITONMAHGLASSES!!!"-panic stops.

So, now, I'm scootering down the road with a loosened bird load sliding around my glasses, holding my head like I'm staring at something off to the right of the road, hoping beyond hope that if this milky thing decides to leave my glasses, it will fly off into the ether, instead of sliding/flying/smearing itself into my face and hair.

It did neither. It solidified in about thirty seconds into a solid lump of white chalk.

I ran the hottest water I felt safe about soaking the glasses in (I worried that boiling water may cause the lenses to loosen and come out, and I like these glasses, good wind protection), and covered them, literally, in Dawn dish washing detergent, and let them soak overnight.

Thank God I was wearing those glasses, or, I might have shitty outlook on things.

Totally unlike the outlook I have now.
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Old 12-01-2014, 09:17 PM   #137
footfootfoot
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...It was the first day with me new hook...
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Old 12-01-2014, 10:34 PM   #138
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I hope you burn the toast
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Old 12-02-2014, 04:01 AM   #139
Aliantha
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hahaha@grav Sorry, but it's funny. You poor thing.

I hope you get out of the shower and realise you have no towel or clothes in the bathroom and then realise you've had unexpected visitors arrive while you've been in the shower.
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Old 12-02-2014, 08:20 AM   #140
glatt
 
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I hope they open the fire hydrants on your street to flush out the water mains just as you have lathered up you hair in the shower.
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Old 12-02-2014, 02:45 PM   #141
Gravdigr
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I hope that new(ish) roof you didn't want, ask for, or need starts leaking.

Goddammit.
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Old 12-02-2014, 02:48 PM   #142
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I was telling that story in the bar, and began hearing the table behind us laughing. By the time I was done, the table behind us, the table on the other side, and the table across the aisle was laughing. I think the whole bar heard that story.
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Old 12-02-2014, 06:52 PM   #143
footfootfoot
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I hope you launch Internet Explorer
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Old 12-03-2014, 12:28 AM   #144
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I hope you cut yourself shaving
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Old 12-03-2014, 12:36 AM   #145
Aliantha
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I hope you cut yourself shaving...your pubes
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Old 12-03-2014, 10:10 AM   #146
lumberjim
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I hope your TP slips and you get poop under your fingernail.
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Old 12-03-2014, 10:16 AM   #147
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I hope you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours.


I hope you get moderate to severe plaque psoriasis

I hope you ask your doctor about Viagara and he tells you you are not healthy enough to have sex.

Not you, ladies.
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Old 12-03-2014, 10:11 PM   #148
sexobon
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I hope you forget to turn off your alarm clock the night before your day off.
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Old 12-03-2014, 11:10 PM   #149
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I hope you have two totes amazeballs photos and send them to a cool person and they don't receive them.
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Old 12-04-2014, 06:12 AM   #150
Griff
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I hope your dogs find a gut pile and create an insurmountable bubble of ass gas in your house.
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