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Old 04-02-2006, 07:44 PM   #1
Rock Steady
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After your Ex, Moving Forward: Dating again

IMHO, the best way to move forward after a disasterous relationship is to do light dating again.

How does one do that? How does one find new singles?

Let's brainstorm here folks. At this time, no debate or criticism, just brainstorming. What can be done?

If you want to avoid the bar scene, offering to buy beverages at Starbucks seems to be a 21st century thing. I heard some 25 yo girl talking about that on the train. I said to her "How does that work?" She said that when she's on line at Starbucks, sometimes guys will ask her and she politely says she's dating someone already. But, she was recommending that approach to some single guy on the train. I think in the 21st century, gals could offer to buy guys drinks at Starbucks.

I think the online dating services work better than mutual friends.

Post your ideas here. Anyone know of onling dating experiences? Anyone have any ideas at all?

Let's brainstorm folks!
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Old 04-02-2006, 08:43 PM   #2
marichiko
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I wish I knew. My last relationship was such a disaster, I haven't wanted to go near a man for the past year. I was introduced to the guy by mutual acquaintances, too. So my feeling is what the hell, strangers in bars or coffee shops, internet dating, whatever. Leaving town is what works for me right now.
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Old 04-02-2006, 09:29 PM   #3
Rock Steady
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marichiko
I wish I knew. My last relationship was such a disaster, I haven't wanted to go near a man for the past year. I was introduced to the guy by mutual acquaintances, too. So my feeling is what the hell, strangers in bars or coffee shops, internet dating, whatever. Leaving town is what works for me right now.
I here 'ya sister. Leaving town is one step. But hooking up again is the next step, girlfriend. "you can't just do a geographic"

Part of light dating is just having a guy in the early stages of dating just treat you like a women. With some respect, even if just to get to the next date. Just light stuff, after the heavy duty shit that just passed. A new model for being treated nicely on a date.

Of course, with forums, datings services, and other online or even offline stuff, you still have to go thru screening. With most Dating Services, you can get phone calls before live dates.

Some of my girlfriends found that Online Dating Services work much better than references though IRL friends.
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Old 04-02-2006, 09:59 PM   #4
DucksNuts
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A lot of my friends are doing the *speed dating* thing. Its seems pretty cool and well organised.

Not sure how popular it is outside Australia, so forgive me if I am telling you something you already know.

Basically, you go to a pre-arranged place (bar, cafe or something) and you have 5 minutes intervals talking to the opposite sex.

At the end you indicate who you liked and if they too marked your name, you are given each others details.

If nothing else its a nice nite out with some decent conversation (well...hopefully) with no strings attached.

They have lunchtime meets for those who are workaholics and cant make the nite time ones.

Other than that, I know some ladies from a forum I visit who have kids use online dating successfully.

I like the idea of online as at least you can email etc first.
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Old 04-03-2006, 07:24 AM   #5
ashke
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We have the Social Development Unit aka Government Matchmaking here.
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Old 04-03-2006, 10:28 AM   #6
marichiko
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Originally Posted by ashke
We have the Social Development Unit aka Government Matchmaking here.
Really? That sounds downright Orwellian. Does the government force you to take part of this service or is it optional?

Rock Steady, once I've done my geographical, I plan to join a church like the Unitarians or some other such liberal congregation - no fundies, please; get involved in some community organizations (may have to drive over to the big city of Durango for some of those) and attend me some rodeos and pow wows (I want either a Navajo BF or a cowboy - a Navajo cowboy would make an interesting change!)

Its a lot easier for the youngsters to meet someone, a middle aged woman has a lot fewer options. I think this is one reason why I stayed on with the ax murderer before I realized he was an ax murderer. Its such a pain for a woman who is a little older to meet a reasonable guy.

The other thing I've thought about doing is learning how to fly fish and join the local Trout Unlimited chapter. Fly fishing is a fun activity that doesn't require a man's strength, yet its almost exclusively a man's sport. Fly fishermen tend to be upscale outdoorsy types, and I think there are fewer predator types like the ax murderer or Bri's professor among their number. Could be wrong, but its a theory worth testing. In a Trout Unlimited meeting, there's probably 5 women (if that) in attendence for every 30 guys. Now a few of those guys are bound to be in my age bracket and divorced or widowed. Even if I don't meet a BF that way, I'll get to learn a new activity which is very interesting and contemplative. My ex husband is actually a fly fisherman of some reknown, and I used to go with him on his fishing excursions. It was kind of like watching a Zen master, the expert cast, getting the fly to land lightly on the water, knowing the spots where the trout were most likely to be in the river, watching the hatches of aquatic insects and the ripples of a rising trout on a summer evening towards dusk... I'll set out my lures and see what happens!
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Old 04-03-2006, 01:08 PM   #7
Trilby
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true, dat, about being middle-aged and finding the stream has done gone dry! People my age just are NOT available. I do hear horror stories of women who've met men online only to find out the guy was married or a serial dater (having 7-8 women on the line at at go) or worse. I get discouraged quickly and my heart is tender, tender. The healthiest among us would have a hard time listening to rejections all day long. Maybe I'll just get a teddy bear. When I was young, I was fearless! Now, I am the sadder but wiser girl. I'm thinking of devoting my life to spiritual endevours. That, or investing all my time, money and energy into food. Just getting ungodly HUGE. Or, I could rock back and forth on my bed and try to decipher song lyrics, like David Sedaris did. I wish I were gay. Seems gay women have better luck than I do. Hell, Charles Manson had better luck. Sigh.

It's gonna pour here, a real thunderstorm. The sky is black, black, black. Fits my mood to a 'T'. I hope hail rips somebody's head off...
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Old 04-03-2006, 04:13 PM   #8
Ridgeplate
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Here's an idea I've been kicking around in my brain pan. Pick an activity you like, (biking, photography, diving, etc) and join a club. The idea here is that even if you don't meet someone directly *in* the club, you're getting out of the house, out from in front of your computer, and doing something you enjoy. Expanding your social circle is clearly going to increase your chances of meeting someone, even if only by referral, and even if you don't meet someone right away, you're still having fun. Plus, you guarantee that you'll have something in common should you meet someone interesting.

Now if I can just get off my butt and try it out...
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Old 04-03-2006, 07:30 PM   #9
xoxoxoBruce
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Plus any married woman you meet will try to fix you up with their single girlfriends. Like it or not.
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Old 04-05-2006, 07:44 AM   #10
sharpness
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Yep - I'm with Ridgeplate get out to some social activities as you aint gonna meet anyone sitting indoors and waiting for it to happen. Clubs is good - even married you need to get out and meet new people and social circles or else your friends are just those at work. We belonged to a church years back and that was an ideal pool for meeting people but that all went tits up (am I allowed to say that) so now its hard to find new friends. In the uk if you try dating on line there are loads a women to choose from but never tried it just browsed - funny tho cos online it seems most mid late 30s women are either divored with kids and baggage or not settled down and a bit desparate. mmm.... choices - maybe thats a little hard but I'm sure you know where I'm coming from.
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Old 04-05-2006, 11:39 AM   #11
SouthOfNoNorth
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to be honest, i was on the verge of posting something like this myself and getting everyone's opinion.

just got out of a long term (almost 6 years) relationship. as a matter of fact, i might have seen this thread sooner had i not been dealing with some of the aftermath of that. it seems like a lot of people on here have at least tried the online dating thing and i wanted to ask what the general consensus was. i think that some of you have even met someone and are in a relationship as a result of it. thumbs up?

it seems to me that the experiences you have online vary depending mostly upon your age and sex (duh, but they seem to be heavily related to age, more than i would think). opinions? i'm 28, and i'm sure that might seem like a whipper snapper to some of you but i DO feel a little old and out of touch with the dating scene. that's probably because the last time i was in the market was in college, where you meet people whether you want to or not.

in theory, online dating seems like the perfect idea to me. you're not dependent upon chance or what bar you happen to be at or whatever. you can learn a lot about a person in a short period of time (factual things, likes/dislikes, general info) before you try and get to know them better. but then, there's always the chance of setting up a meeting place with a girl and getting chloroformed by a 260 pound guy named larry........
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Old 04-05-2006, 11:50 AM   #12
xoxoxoBruce
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Likely one's distance from the dating scene rather than age is more important about one's fear of it.

Larry and his cloroform aren't a problem in public places. Anyone you meet online, that doesn't insist on a public place for a face-to-face, you probably don't want to meet anyway.
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Old 04-05-2006, 12:01 PM   #13
SouthOfNoNorth
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heh, agreed. i'll still keep a transmitter in my undies in case i come up missing, though.

anyone have any recommendations for good sites to use? i made a fark personals (yes, i know) account a while ago but have never used it, except to search a bit.

i'm not afraid of the dating scene or meeting/talking to people, as a matter of fact many people tell me that communication is one of my strongest qualities. problem is, most of my friends are in marriages/long term committed relationships, so it would be difficult to meet people while i'm "out" with them because of where they like to go. can't say that i blame them, either. when i was in a relationship i didn't feel compelled to go "out" all the time. another thing, many of the single women that i ran into before were as a result of her friendships - heh, something i don't think i can count on now.
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Old 04-05-2006, 12:07 PM   #14
FallenFairy
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IMO online dating holds pretty much the same drawbacks as meeting people in any other forum... face it, one could lie online as easily as one could lie in person (well except for Larry and his cloroform...) public meetings are a must when it's an online date - that's common sense - as is a first date in a puiblic place with someone you met at your cousin's girl friends picnic. The rule is always to be safe...
Ridgeplate has the best idea - find something that interests YOU, and then go do it - have some fun and expand yourself... that way you not sitting in a bar with your arse on a stool waiting for Mr. (or Ms.) Right.
As to finding someone online who is real?? I met my fiance online through a Christian Dating site - the wedding is July 29th - he's my senior by 11 years and it's been the most awesome time of my life... so it can work.

Be selective on which sites you choose - there has been lots of talk concerning dating sites using sham daters to keep you renewing...
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Old 04-05-2006, 12:52 PM   #15
xoxoxoBruce
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FallenFairy
I met my fiance online through a Christian Dating site
Were there any lions posing as christians?
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