Need advice for a friend, quick!

[Lady Sidhe]

BTW, the friend that told her about the redhead only mentioned it because the redhead was there CONSTANTLY, every time her friend passed the lab on the way to class. It seemed fishy to her, and she thought her friend should know, and I agree. That's what friends are for.

The husband and the friend are friends as well, and she would visit him at work on her way to class (yes, the wife knew about her visits), and this redhead would always put herself BETWEEN him and the friend, giving the impression that he was HERS, acting like a jealous girlfriend. That was the other reason she told my friend about it. That kind of behavior seemed strange to her if the redhead was only a "friend."

Sidhe

[Lady Sidhe]

Hello, everyone. I'm not a member of the Cellar, and since I don't have a whole lot of time to spend online, there's really no point in me joining, so I'm just using Sidhe's membership to reply. I hope no one minds. It looks like a few of the men seem to think that I'm a psycho, but I'm not. I'm just trying to figure out what the heck to do, you know? I'm not trying to slam my husband...I'm just trying to work things out.

I just wanted to thank everyone who contributed. I didn't think there would be such an interest. Anyway, I think the best way to sum up the way I've been feeling is a poem, so I'll post it here:


I made a big decision a little while ago;
I don't remember what it was, which only goes to show
that many times a simple choice can prove to be essential,
even though it often might appear inconsequential.
I must have been distracted when I left my home, because
left or right I'm sure I went, I wonder which it was--
Anyway, I never veered, I walked in that direction,
Utterly absorbed, it seems, in quiet introspection.
For no reason I can think of, I've wandered far astray,
And that is how I got to where I find myself today.

Bill Watterson


The Not-Psycho Friend

[OnyxCougar]

I was talking to my husband about this at IHOP, (which is the place we went on our "first date" and therefore holds significance for us).

I described the situation as Sidhe described it here.

He said that the relationship is over any way you slice it. The trust factor, the most important part of any relationship, was gone when he propositioned that friend. Even if he did manage to convince her that he was "only kidding", there will always be that doubt.

But doubts can be overcome.

So then he goes and continues to see this girl, take her out for coffee. My husband says that if your friend's husband cared about her feelings at ALL, he would never put himself into a situation where it could even be suspected that there was anything between them. Meaning, there would be no way in hell that he should be having coffee with this woman. Period. Innocent or not.

Now to find out he won't even read her letter? You gotta be kidding me.

She needs to get her shit together, and soon, and leave this guy.

[Lady Sidhe]

UPDATE:

My friend started talking to this girl "B" (the one she thought was after her husband), and found out that she was mad at the wrong person....Her husband had been coming on to this girl, and now that the girl knows what's going on, she's been telling my friend everything, including forwarding emails sent to her by my friend's husband. This girl said that she's not going to have any dealings with this guy until everything is worked out, and she talks to my friend on ICQ every now and then to see how things are going.

So far, things seem to be going better with my friend and her husband, after she confronted him with the information that "B" gave her. Not to mention the fact that she's become a lot more aloof from her husband since all of this.

We'll keep y'all posted.

Sidhe

[OnyxCougar]

Why is she still with him? Now she knows he lied, and can give a shit less about her feelings. The trust is GONE. Let him go.

[Lady Sidhe]

*shrug* She loves her husband, despite what he's done. They have a daughter, and, having grown up without a father, she doesn't want her daughter to grow up in a "broken family." Also, she doesn't like to run from her problems. She's one of those kinds of people who believes in working out problems...marriage is for better or for worse, and right now, she says, they're going through the "worse" part.

I dunno...guess we'll see.

Sidhe

[OnyxCougar]

Marriage is for better or worse, true. And I respect her trying to "work it out", but that won't work if he is a liar and a cheater. She will never be able to trust him again.

So she'll teach her children that it's ok to be treated like shit and to be disrespected and to be miserable.

Fantastic.

[elSicomoro]

[devil's advocate]So Onyx, do you not think this man has the capacity to change?[/devil's advocate]

[OnyxCougar]

Wasn't he given the opportunity after the "I was only kidding, I wouldn't REALLY have fucked her" fiasco? Did he change then?

He had his chance....

**growls** men like this really piss me off, and the women that "tough it out" for the "sake of the kids" are even worse.

[Lady Sidhe]

Yeah, it pisses me off, too, but I can't make her do something she doesn't want to do. I think once he realizes that if he keeps this up that she'll bail and take their daughter with her, and he'll never see her again (precisely BECAUSE she doesn't intend to allow her daughter to end up like her in 20 years because she wanted to marry someone just like her daddy) he'll start growing up. Personally, I think he should've grown up before he got married, but....


Sidhe

[hot_pastrami]

Originally posted by Lady Sidhe
*shrug* She loves her husband, despite what he's done. They have a daughter, and, having grown up without a father, she doesn't want her daughter to grow up in a "broken family." Also, she doesn't like to run from her problems. She's one of those kinds of people who believes in working out problems...marriage is for better or for worse, and right now, she says, they're going through the "worse" part.

What if, instead of being unfaithful, he was beating her? Would she leave him then, or call it the "worse" part and hope that he'd change? And which is more reprehensible, a husband who beats his wife, or a husband who is unfaithful?

[Elionwyr]

Originally posted by Lady Sidhe
UPDATE:

My friend started talking to this girl "B" (the one she thought was after her husband), and found out that she was mad at the wrong person....

Does that explain the hanging-on-his-arm behavior stuff?
Or was he being completely deceptive about being married at all?

I do think having a kid in the mix changes what might be an obvious "dump him!" reaction, and I have a lot of empathy for your friend (I resonate with some of the situation you describe). Are they talking? Is he taking the necessary steps to get her to trust him again? Are they both committed on making the relationship better?

I really hope the answers are yes - I hope Love is strong enough on both sides to get the relationship back on track.

[Lady Sidhe]

Originally posted by hot_pastrami

What if, instead of being unfaithful, he was beating her? Would she leave him then, or call it the "worse" part and hope that he'd change? And which is more reprehensible, a husband who beats his wife, or a husband who is unfaithful?

No, if he was laying hands on her, she'd be gone in a heartbeat, no ifs, ands, or buts. She's been in a situation like that before, and has no intention of going through it again.

And yes, he did imply to this girl that he was single, and they are trying to work things out.

Sidhe

[BigV]

bumpp

I've scanned this thread and I know most of what happened here is water under the bridge. I like seeing the different attitudes of the different posters though. Fascinating! The most common theme I've been able to detect is the friction generated by the difference between expectations and what happened. This friction can be reduced by being clear, explicit in what each person's feelings and expectations are.

We *all* have expectations. We all have experiences and interactions with others. The more clearly we see the target, the easier we can hit it. Talk to each other. Listen to each other. Express more, assume less.