Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 203

capnhowdy · 12-01-2009, 08:33 PM

This is NOT the Christmas thread, people.

J/K...

great jokes, Mon. Mind if I use them?

footfootfoot · 12-01-2009, 08:35 PM

Here's an old, political joke involving a chauffeur. It takes place long before her saintiness, Diana, passed away.

Diana and the Queen mum were out going for a drive in the country (HA! It's a joke, remember? Suspend disbelief for ten seconds) when they car was summoned by a woman in distress. The Queen ordered her driver to stop and ask how they could help.

As they opened the window the woman stuck a gun in the driver's face and told them all to get out of the car. She turned to the queen and said, "Give me your diamond necklace! I always see you going out and about with that necklace. Give it to me!"

The queen very calmly replied that it was at the jeweler's having a loose stone re-set.

The woman turned to Diana and said, "Give me your Tiara, Diana! I always see you wearing that tiara. I want it, NOW!"

Diana very calmly replied that her tiara was being cleaned that day and that is why she wasn't wearing it.

"Well, give me the keys to the Bentley, and shove off."

The robber drove away and the queen, Diana, and the chauffeur began to walk back home. Along the way, The queen turned to Diana and said, "I could have sworn I saw you wearing your tiara when we got into the car."

Diana replied, "Yes, I was. But when we got closer to the woman I became suspicious, so I removed it and hid it in my vagina. Now that you mention it, weren't you wearing your diamond necklace?"

"I was. And like you I became suspicious so I also secreted it in my vagina."

They walked on in silence for a while and the queen said, "It's a shame Fergie wasn't with us; we'd still have the Bentley."

monster · 12-01-2009, 08:36 PM

yeah I do actually, I stole them, they're all mine now! bwahahahaha..... :p

(you should see what passes for humor on some christmas sites.... ouch!)

monster · 12-01-2009, 08:37 PM

@ foot3

capnhowdy · 12-01-2009, 08:38 PM

I will refrain, then. Respectfully. heeheehee.....

jujuwwhite · 12-02-2009, 06:09 AM

A Lady once got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and a tattoo of a ham on her other thigh. When her friends and family asked why she would do such a thing she replied, ''Because the best eating is always between Thanksgiving and Christmas"!

The same lady went back to get another tattoo of a dollar bill under her belly button and explained to her cheap boyfriend, ''all you can eat for under a dollar."

by the way....this one is not political.

capnhowdy · 12-02-2009, 07:11 PM

This is some funny shit.

monster · 12-02-2009, 09:06 PM

Well you got one part of that description right.....

Nirvana · 12-02-2009, 09:11 PM

Q. Why did Tiger Woods get in trouble?
A. Because he was caught playing more than 18 holes...

Radar · 12-02-2009, 10:05 PM

Tiger Woods' 2009 Christmas Card

BrianR · 12-02-2009, 11:29 PM

Spexxvet · 12-03-2009, 08:16 AM

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

This is the first time Tiger's ever failed to drive 300 yards

Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife

How are Tiger Woods' house and the Rider Cup similar. They're both places where Tiger gets beaten by a European.

Tiger woods' wife is endorsing her own line of golf clubs. The tag line is "the club you can beat Tiger with"

Spexxvet · 12-03-2009, 08:16 AM

This is not a sports thread folks! :p

dar512 · 12-03-2009, 08:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spexxvet

This is not a sports thread folks! :p

Third use. I declare a new Cellar meme.

Haggis.

skysidhe · 12-03-2009, 08:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by capnhowdy

I thought it was a good joke. She's a newb and NOT a politician. Can we ease up, people? Hell ... I'm almost afraid to invite someone here. If we don't want any new people, somebody tell me. You want to corner the Cellar with the regulars we have? Throw me a bone.

Radar... you don't run the Cellar. Shut the fuck up and ROLL with it. JFChrist!

and then some

12-01-2009, 08:33 PM	#3031
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	This is NOT the Christmas thread, people. J/K... great jokes, Mon. Mind if I use them? __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

12-01-2009, 08:35 PM	#3032
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Here's an old, political joke involving a chauffeur. It takes place long before her saintiness, Diana, passed away. Diana and the Queen mum were out going for a drive in the country (HA! It's a joke, remember? Suspend disbelief for ten seconds) when they car was summoned by a woman in distress. The Queen ordered her driver to stop and ask how they could help. As they opened the window the woman stuck a gun in the driver's face and told them all to get out of the car. She turned to the queen and said, "Give me your diamond necklace! I always see you going out and about with that necklace. Give it to me!" The queen very calmly replied that it was at the jeweler's having a loose stone re-set. The woman turned to Diana and said, "Give me your Tiara, Diana! I always see you wearing that tiara. I want it, NOW!" Diana very calmly replied that her tiara was being cleaned that day and that is why she wasn't wearing it. "Well, give me the keys to the Bentley, and shove off." The robber drove away and the queen, Diana, and the chauffeur began to walk back home. Along the way, The queen turned to Diana and said, "I could have sworn I saw you wearing your tiara when we got into the car." Diana replied, "Yes, I was. But when we got closer to the woman I became suspicious, so I removed it and hid it in my vagina. Now that you mention it, weren't you wearing your diamond necklace?" "I was. And like you I became suspicious so I also secreted it in my vagina." They walked on in silence for a while and the queen said, "It's a shame Fergie wasn't with us; we'd still have the Bentley." __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

12-01-2009, 08:36 PM	#3033
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	yeah I do actually, I stole them, they're all mine now! bwahahahaha..... :p (you should see what passes for humor on some christmas sites.... ouch!) __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

12-01-2009, 08:37 PM	#3034
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	@ foot3 __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

12-01-2009, 08:38 PM	#3035
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	I will refrain, then. Respectfully. heeheehee..... __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

12-02-2009, 06:09 AM	#3036
jujuwwhite Capnhowdy's #1 smasher Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Rentz, GA Posts: 339	A Lady once got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and a tattoo of a ham on her other thigh. When her friends and family asked why she would do such a thing she replied, ''Because the best eating is always between Thanksgiving and Christmas"! The same lady went back to get another tattoo of a dollar bill under her belly button and explained to her cheap boyfriend, ''all you can eat for under a dollar." by the way....this one is not political. __________________ I don't suffer from insanity...i enjoy every moment of it.

12-02-2009, 07:11 PM	#3037
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	This is some funny shit. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

12-02-2009, 09:06 PM	#3038
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Well you got one part of that description right..... __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

12-02-2009, 09:11 PM	#3039
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Q. Why did Tiger Woods get in trouble? A. Because he was caught playing more than 18 holes... __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

12-02-2009, 10:05 PM	#3040
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	Tiger Woods' 2009 Christmas Card Attached Images __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

12-02-2009, 11:29 PM	#3041
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	__________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

12-03-2009, 08:16 AM	#3042
Spexxvet Makes some feel uncomfortable Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 10,346	Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one. What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards. Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par. What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron. Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver? This is the first time Tiger's ever failed to drive 300 yards Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract. After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife How are Tiger Woods' house and the Rider Cup similar. They're both places where Tiger gets beaten by a European. Tiger woods' wife is endorsing her own line of golf clubs. The tag line is "the club you can beat Tiger with" __________________ "I'm certainly free, nay compelled, to spread the gospel of Spex. " - xoxoxoBruce

12-03-2009, 08:16 AM	#3043
Spexxvet Makes some feel uncomfortable Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 10,346	This is not a sports thread folks! :p __________________ "I'm certainly free, nay compelled, to spread the gospel of Spex. " - xoxoxoBruce

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