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Old 08-01-2006, 03:27 PM   #16
rkzenrage
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My parents are crazy too... I discussed this thread with them yesterday and when I stated that one should just tell someone that they are not interested they freaked, said it would be "rude" and "mean".
They became confused when I stated that "rude" and "mean" is leading someone on with a fake number and not telling them that you are not interested when you realize that they are interested.
Strange.
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Old 08-01-2006, 03:45 PM   #17
MaggieL
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rkzenrage
My parents are crazy too... I discussed this thread with them yesterday and when I stated that one should just tell someone that they are not interested they freaked, said it would be "rude" and "mean".
They no doubt come from a generation where explicit discussions of sexual interest among the principles is something that Is Not Done, and everything is subtext and innuendo.

Or is "innuendo" an Italian suppository? I keep forgetting.
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Old 08-01-2006, 03:51 PM   #18
rkzenrage
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I was not talking about explicit discussions, but if someone asks you out, you are discussing it... instead of making excuses and dragging it out, what is wrong with just telling them that you don't want to go out with them?
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Old 08-01-2006, 09:02 PM   #19
MsSparkie
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aliantha
Sparkie...I'd hate to be in your situation. If it were me, I'd probably hang in there and take care of him out of some sense of pity associated with the past and what we'd shared. Maybe also genuine concern for someone who'd meant a lot in some way. I dunno though. I don't know shit about what you two shared, but it sounds pretty serious.

Everyone needs someone to help them in times like this. I imagine he must be terrified in so many ways.

It'll break your heart being there with him till the end, but then, it'll probably break your heart if you're not there either. Tough choice if you ask me. Lucky you have so many friends to help share the load huh?

Thanks Aliantha
He is still doing long haul in the USA but goes home more often. Used to be he would be out six weeks then ask to go home, which would take another week. Now he asks at 4 weeks.

I am in Toronto, Canada so we didnt get together often, but were engaged and I was going to drive with him. But then he needed to face this alone as he says.

So we would not see each other much, unless he has to quit driving. He said he would move to Buffalo NY and we can have weekends together.

Not sure how his health will hold up. I am not in love with him, but care. Love him too.

Actually you seem to be the ONLY friend here I have, as no one else showed any interest. LOL

So thanks for noticing, and my very best wishes.

:-)
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Old 08-02-2006, 03:17 AM   #20
DucksNuts
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I do most of that crap, but not for those reasons.

I do the hair thing, because my hair is always in the way and pissing me off.

I do the fluttering eyelashes when I want my boss to think I dont understand what he is saying, it drives him nuts.

Err, I do sometimes fiddle with my drinking glass, I will have to see if its senual or not, but its because I fidget.

That last paragraph is the biggest crock though. Doesnt leave out much does it?

Sparkie - Those not in love but love relationships are such hard work. Good luck with whatever you decide.
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Old 08-02-2006, 06:48 AM   #21
MaggieL
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rkzenrage
I was not talking about explicit discussions, but if someone asks you out, you are discussing it... instead of making excuses and dragging it out, what is wrong with just telling them that you don't want to go out with them?
Well, if you're kickin' it old-skool, the scripted response isn't "I don't find you attractive enough to go to a movie with." but rather "I'm washing my hair that night."

This works better for women than for guys...especially bald ones.

If you're not keen to offer a rejecteee a face-saving exit, then go right ahead: "No, I wouldn't go to the dance with you even if you pur a bag over your head."

The thing that creates this stress is both sides pretending this is purely social banter rather than the introit to a mating ritual, with an intent to provide graceful exits in the event of an abort. As is so often the case, direct honesty would be simpler, but not always as comfortable. This way there's a chance for the "If I ask you, will you say 'yes'" and "if I say 'yes', will you ask me?"

Secondary function is providing a context for further evaluative interaction before getting down to brass tacks. You can tell an awful lot about what kind of lover somebody is by how they handle the preliminaries.
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Last edited by MaggieL; 08-02-2006 at 06:51 AM.
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Old 08-02-2006, 03:03 PM   #22
Stormieweather
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I've always found it a lot less complicated and confusing to just be honest (in the nicest way possible).

I don't believe is is necessary to give someone excuses for turning them down, a simple 'no, thank you' should suffice. If they refuse to accept that, you have definately made the correct choice.

If I'm interested in someone, I'll tell them.

Body language is quite interesting to observe and can tell you a great deal about the person you are watching. Leaning forward on your elbow generally means, tell me more. Crossing of arms is a sign that the person is shutting something/someone out. Swinging legs and biting lips is often a sign of nervousness (keep your feet and legs still during an interview!). Batting of lashes means they have something in their eye :p . Just kidding!

Stormie
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Old 08-02-2006, 09:49 PM   #23
Aliantha
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Sparkie...I just thought someone should say something. I know how disheartening it can be when you're looking for an ear or two and no one can hear. It takes a lot to share those sorts of things with people you've never met, so I admire you for that.

I hope you can come to some understanding with your fella. What a battle to face...and what a crazy way to face it. Alone...

It's going to be pretty tough on you too, so I hope you do have a support network if you decide to go this path with him. You're going to need all the love and support you can find.

If you need someone to blow off steam to, go ahead and send me a pm or something. I'm a long way away, but sometimes that makes it easier.
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Old 08-03-2006, 08:11 PM   #24
MsSparkie
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Aliantha, thanks for that sweet offer. I'm fine. We knew this cancer was there for a long while now, but not officially. Now it's offical.

He is a strong man and is making lots of jokes. He wants to send me a plane ticket to go down to visit him. I will wait till next year.

How are you doing in your love life? I hope you have someone special and it's going peachy keen. :-)
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Old 08-03-2006, 09:58 PM   #25
rkzenrage
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaggieL
Well, if you're kickin' it old-skool, the scripted response isn't "I don't find you attractive enough to go to a movie with." but rather "I'm washing my hair that night."

This works better for women than for guys...especially bald ones.

If you're not keen to offer a rejecteee a face-saving exit, then go right ahead: "No, I wouldn't go to the dance with you even if you pur a bag over your head."

The thing that creates this stress is both sides pretending this is purely social banter rather than the introit to a mating ritual, with an intent to provide graceful exits in the event of an abort. As is so often the case, direct honesty would be simpler, but not always as comfortable. This way there's a chance for the "If I ask you, will you say 'yes'" and "if I say 'yes', will you ask me?"

Secondary function is providing a context for further evaluative interaction before getting down to brass tacks. You can tell an awful lot about what kind of lover somebody is by how they handle the preliminaries.
You can say no without being rude... just smacks of games to me.
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Old 08-04-2006, 09:08 AM   #26
MaggieL
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rkzenrage
You can say no without being rude... just smacks of games to me.
Yes, it *is* a game. Less so today, but communications about intimate relationships have always been driven by subtexts and indirection.

You can try for direct, open and honest, and in some social spaces that works fine. But if you're not fluent enough to know which spaces those are, extreme caution is advised.
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Old 08-05-2006, 12:25 AM   #27
MsSparkie
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Saying "no" is very empowering. I'm learning to love it!
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Old 08-05-2006, 06:18 AM   #28
Aliantha
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Sparkie...my love life is as good as it's every likely to be I reckon. I'm due to be married on the 23rd of September and I reckon everything is 'peachy keen'.

You seemed a lot happier in your last post. It's nice to see.
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Old 08-07-2006, 09:30 AM   #29
MsSparkie
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C * O * N * G * R * A * T * U * L * A * T * I * O * N * S !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It doesn't get any better than that!!!!! Planning a honeymoon?






(I told the trucker goodbye. He has 4 ex wives down in that area in AZ and he is milking this for all it's worth. We live too far apart to be a couple and neither of us needs the stress of trying to keep this going. Best to say the goodbyes now and let him make his way through it with his family. I'm here if he wants to talk.)
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Old 08-08-2006, 08:26 PM   #30
xoxoxoBruce
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aliantha
Sparkie...my love life is as good as it's every likely to be I reckon. I'm due to be married on the 23rd of September and I reckon everything is 'peachy keen'.
Condolences. Now you get to be officially ignored, criticized and abused.
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