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Old 01-21-2004, 10:07 PM   #61
novice
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My girlfriend came running up to me and anounced breathlessly, "That girl from Legally Blonde has been stabbed, you know, Reese something"
Horrified I reply " Witherspoon?"
Deadpan response " No, with a knife"
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Old 01-21-2004, 10:11 PM   #62
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Late night sports commentator reflecting on the match between Aikiko Morigami and Aussie girl Nicole Pratt in the Australian tennis open, " Morigami seemingly held a chokehold on this match but FOLDED under pressure from the indominatable Australian."
C'mon Aussie C'mon
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Old 01-21-2004, 10:19 PM   #63
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much like lumber jims corner store robbery joke

You: " I was at the _INSERT LOCAL PETROL STATION_ the other day and this girl pulled up and was acting very strange, she quickly jumped out of her car and filled up the tank so hastily she got petrol all over her arm. She ran into the office flung the teller a twenty for the fuel and jumped back into her car. then she did something truly crazy.. she lit a ciggarette and her entire arm went up in flames!"

Friend: "yeah! then what happened?"

You: "Then the police sirens could be heard, as she tried to speed off but was disabled by her flaming arm so they quickly caught her."

Friend: " then what?"

You: "they charged her for Illegal Fire Arms. "
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Old 01-22-2004, 12:44 AM   #64
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owie
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Old 01-22-2004, 11:32 AM   #65
FileNotFound
Intouch with his inner sheep rider.
 
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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come afirst.

Den I come.

Den da two asses come togeter.

I come once-a-more.

The two asses, they come together again.

I come again and den pee twice.

Then I'a come one a lastah time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

"Hey, coola down ah'lady," said the man. "Whozah talkin' aboutah sex? I'mah just tellin' my friend a here, how to spellah da 'Mississippi'!"
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Old 01-22-2004, 11:36 AM   #66
FileNotFound
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GREAT AIRLINE HUMOR

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS

Pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and

S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.



P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for!



P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windscreen.

S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed radar with words.



P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed
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Old 01-22-2004, 11:37 AM   #67
FileNotFound
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A COWBOY STORY

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and began a conversation.

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Indian: Look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: Look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Total look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."
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Old 01-22-2004, 12:16 PM   #68
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you've probably already seen this but it's still funny
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Old 01-22-2004, 12:49 PM   #69
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Those are good LJ. The fourth one reminded me of dialog in one of my favorite movies - The Thin Man

Quote:
Nick Charles: I'm a hero. I was shot 2 times in the Tribune.

Nora Charles: I read where you were shot 5 times in the tabloids.

Nick Charles: It's not true. He didn't come anywhere near my tabloids.
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Old 01-22-2004, 01:02 PM   #70
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-LLLO...it's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR?
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Old 01-22-2004, 11:26 PM   #71
Elspode
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One for our Texas friends...

A waspish Yankee and his beautiful young wife were vacationing in Texas. Driving along the Texas highway in their lumbering motor home on a scorching Texas day, the husband spied a man riding his horse off in the far, far distance.

"Oh, look honey! A cowboy! A real live cowboy!", he said, and quickly pulled the motor home over to the side of the road. He began honking the double airhorns on top while waving his arm out the window and yelling for the rider to come on over.

As he was a considerable distance away, it took the horseman quite some time to arrive at their vehicle. As he arrived, the couple came out of the RV and stood by the roadside.

"What can I do for ya'll?", he drawled. "You got some kind of trouble with this camper of yours?"

"No, no," replied the husband. "We just wanted to see a real live cowboy." The Texan was clearly miffed by this, since he had ridden so far out of his way, only to find a moronic Yankee who clearly wasn't in need of assistance.

"Well, then, guess I'll be leavin' now." He started to spin his horse around and go, when the Yankee man yelled out "Wait! Wait! I heard you Texas cowboys were real tough. You don't look so tough to me."

The cowboy eyed them for a moment, then slid down off his horse. He moved to stand toe to toe with the tourist, towering over him intimidatingly.

"We are tough, son," he said. "In fact, we're so tough, that right now, I'm gonna give you a demonstration. I'm gonna grab that cute little wife of yours, yank down her panties, and do her right here on the side of the road. And you know what else? While I'm doing her, you're gonna hold my balls up out of the sand until I'm done."

And with that, the Texan did exactly as he'd promised, and the Yankee did what he was told. When the cowboy was done, he turned without a word, buckling his jeans as he walked back to his horse, leaped astride without even grabbing the saddle horn, and rode away.

The couple dusted themselves off, silently got into their motor home and drove on back down the highway.

All was quiet for awhile, until finally, the husband looks over at his wife and says "You know what? I think that cowboy was a little bit afraid of me."

"What!? What the hell do you mean, he was *afraid* of you? Are you nuts?!! He screwed me, and you held his balls while he did it!!!"

"Well, yeah, I think he was afraid of me. I mean, I dropped his balls in the sand twice, and he never once said a word about it..."
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Old 01-23-2004, 12:44 AM   #72
wolf
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Found this on the cool legal page o' stuff ....

UTAH WEIRD LAWS
"You cannot have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call."

This is actually surprisingly important to have a as a law.

Everybody in emergency services acknowledges that "EMS" is an abbreviation for Extra Marital Sex. You think people on soap operas get around? You've never spent time in an ambulance squad ...
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Old 01-23-2004, 02:30 AM   #73
Torrere
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I noticed that many states had laws against giving animals (pets, zoo animals, wildlife, fish) liquor and/or narcotics.
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Old 01-23-2004, 09:39 AM   #74
dar512
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A rich Texan thinks he might give some money to an Ivy League school. He plans to visit a few to see which is worthy to have his money.

While he's touring the first campus, he stops a student and says in a Texas drawl, "Son, where's the library at?"

The kid sneers at the Texan and says, "Sir, a gentleman does not end a sentence with preposition."

The Texan shrugs and says, "Awright. Where's library at, asshole?"
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Old 01-23-2004, 09:50 AM   #75
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A man was out of work, and he was combing through the want ads. He saw that a school was looking for a bus driver, so he called and was asked to come for an interview. He got the job, and was surprised when he went out and found that the bus was garishly painted with Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, and Elmo. Still, a job's a job, he thought.

As he went about his route, he stopped and picked up twin girls. These girls were rather portly, and as they entered the bus the first one said, "My name's Patty." The man asked the second twin her name and she said, "My name's Patty also."

Further along, there was a boy who was trying to put on a James Dean-esque cool image. As he got on the bus, he said, "yo! I'm Leonard T." He said in the seat right behind the driver, so the driver could see him in his mirror.

They were almost back to the school, and made one last stop. The kid who got on announced, "I'm Ross... and I'm special."

As they made their way back to the school, the driver noticed to his disgust that the kid sitting right behing him had removed one shoe to reveal a horrible case of bunions, which he was picking at.

As soon as they got to school, the man went to the principal's office, threw down the bus keys on his desk, and announced he was quitting. "Is something wrong?" asked the principal?

"I can't take this!" yelled the man. "I've got two all beef Pattys, special Ross, Leonard T. picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!!"
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