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Old 09-04-2008, 03:25 PM   #1
lookout123
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Adult friendships

Yesterday Lil Lookout and I had one of those normal 7 year old type conversations that you don't remember with much significance. He was talking about who his best friends are this year. He is very detailed in listing ALL of his friends and explaining how he knows them, where he met them, things he's done with them, and what category they fall in (soccer friend, church friend, school friend, neighborhood friend) so I had pretty much just gone into zombie mode - listening but not really paying too much attention. Then he asked the question.

"Dad, who's your best friend and why?"

OK, that's easy. I explained that Mrs L is my best friend as I enjoy spending time with her more than anyone else in the world and we've shared things that would be impossible to duplicate with anyone else. He nodded and then quickly said, "yeah, but mom doesn't count. You have to say her, but who's your real best friend that's just a friend?"

That took just a little thought before I had to say my friend A. He's only met A a couple of times because A is still in Illinois and I only see him about once a year. A and I have been friends since our earliest memories, but became best friends and inseparable in early high school. After 21 years and having spent 13 of those years living in different states the guy is still the greatest friend I can imagine. When we were younger we could finish the other's thoughts, followed the same music, and all that crap without being clones of each other. He's a huge black dude and I'm a skinny white guy. He's naturally athletic, musically skilled, and draws people to him with ease. I'm pretty much the opposite in all ways. As adults he's become an extremely liberal and obscenely underachieving mystery to most, while I've become a pretty conservative and somewhat overachieving heart on my sleeve type. Strangely, as different as we've become we still know exactly what they other is thinking and trying to say. Anyway, that's A, my best friend.

That was the end of it. We got home and went about life. Or so I thought. We got in the car for the drive to school today and he picked the conversation right up where we left off.

Doesn't it make you sad that you don't have any real friends that you see?"

Hmm. Well, it didn't until he made me think about it. I work by myself and for myself. I talk to clients but you can't really call those real relationships because business and friendship just don't work well together. After a lot of thought I realized I have the soccer people. I enjoy many of them an awful lot, but I wouldn't call them close friends. Very friendly acquaintances, sure, but my heart won't be broken when our kids drift away and we inevitably do the same. The adults on my team are all 5-16 years younger than me and are simply teammates, I don't see them off the field. The closest thing to friends I have are all in the cellar. I know more about some of you guys than I do the people I see face to face on a regular basis. I've actually known some of you longer than I've known pretty much anybody I see regularly.

Is this what adult life is like for everyone or have I become some bizarre creature that only exists on a website and a soccer field?

I'm not sure what the point of this thread is, other than just kind of typing out the thoughts my kid got rolling. Damn kid.
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Old 09-04-2008, 03:47 PM   #2
Flint
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No, you're not a bizarre creature. I identify with what you're describing.

I have a few friends I've kept up with over the years, but I really only see them if they've morphed into "couple friends" or "friends how also have kids that I see at birthday parties." I also have "music friends" that I play/have played in bands with, but I only see them on "business" (band practice or gigs).

I only like a few people well enough to spend time with them. The initial, correct answer is that your best friend is your wife.

As far as internet friends, I'd consider you a good example. I believe that physical proximity is not necessary to communicate the essence of a person.
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Old 09-04-2008, 03:49 PM   #3
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Yeah, being an adult sucks in some ways. Having no friends is part of it.

By "no friends" I mean like close friends that you hang out with. Not those guys you see about three or four times a year when your families get together for dinner. They are my friends, but not like my friends in the olden days.
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Old 09-04-2008, 03:50 PM   #4
Flint
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In your youth you were probably part of a pack of wandering nomads, gathered together for common cause (to pick up chicks, to play D&D, whatever); in your adulthood your pack is your family, and the common cause is the family.
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There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there
it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your
expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever
gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio
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Old 09-04-2008, 03:56 PM   #5
glatt
 
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Yep. I actually got together with a friend about a month and a half ago. My family was in California, and one of my friends (a father of one of my kid's former classmates) and I met for a happy hour and then we went out to see Batman. It was like a date though, because we planned it like two weeks in advance.
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Old 09-04-2008, 04:03 PM   #6
Flint
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I went out to eat sushi with my wife, Pooka, last night. My mom watched the kids. We had a great time. I don't have any reason to want more "guy friends" to do "guy stuff" with--I can't imagine a better person to hang out with than my wife. I can be perfectly honest with her, and there's nothing that I want to talk about that she doesn't "get."

When I get time off from work, school, and everything else I have to do, I don't want a big cast of multiple, so-so friends. I want a few (very few) good ones.
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There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there
it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your
expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever
gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio
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Old 09-04-2008, 04:30 PM   #7
sweetwater
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I begin to compose my thoughts for a reply to this thread, and on cue one of those "friend finder" commercials pops up on the tube. Clearly they are making a lot of money hooking up lonely people, but they never tempt me. Most of my friends are of the imaginary Internet sort, but they are quality friendships that transport across geography when we move, something we do often. I need input from intelligent, humorous, creative, and thoughtful people and they are not as readily found in real life - at least not by me. Mr. sweetwater makes pals wherever we go but we are still best friends with each other. It's good. I'd love to find a RL friend sometimes, but I'm happy enough.
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Old 09-04-2008, 05:00 PM   #8
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Aside from Keryx I have only 1 friend that is Jerry the guy who lives next door, we knew each other at the old place. I have other but I only communication with them is email or the occasional phone call, I do concider xoBruce a friend, and someday I would like to meet him IRL.
The dwellars I consider to be fond aquatainces as well I want to meet you all.
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Old 09-04-2008, 05:29 PM   #9
Laurie Henderson
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I have found that the older I get, the more selective I have become in my friends. In the past 5 years, although I have made many acquaintances, I have made only one true friend. And we both discuss the fact that it's so difficult to make friends, given the challenges of child rearing, careers, etc., etc., etc. I also have found that there's no sense in wasting time or energy in getting to know people that are toxic. I am usually very good at identifying "those kind" right off the bat, and, I have no qualms in keeping my distance. I am a very private person that prefers friendships that are mutually satisfying. Therefore, I can easily list my true friends - there are less than five. Of them, two are from elementary school, one is my "new" friend, one is a former co-worker. The amazing thing is that we all share the same theory -- whether we talk every day or once a month, we pick up the friendship where it left off, and, the friendships are emotionally beneficial to all.
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Old 09-04-2008, 05:30 PM   #10
Laurie Henderson
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(that sounded SO girlie!)
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Old 09-04-2008, 05:38 PM   #11
HungLikeJesus
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I used to have friends.

But that was before I started spending time in the Cellar.
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Old 09-04-2008, 06:28 PM   #12
SamIam
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Various personal circumstances make it difficult for me to go out and meet people, so the people I hang around with all live in the same 9-plex that I do. We sit outside and talk on summer nights, have barbeques, and generally help each other out. Still, I miss knowing people who share more specific interests, and I can't say that anyone in particular is my best friend. Friendships do seem to be harder to cultivate and maintain as an adult.
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Old 09-04-2008, 06:28 PM   #13
Nirvana
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I live in the middle of nowhere most of my neighbors are much older than I am. In a small farming community its hard to meet someone with the same interests. Most women are intimidated by me like they need to compete on a superficial physical appearance level. My DH is my best friend and we are lucky we can hang 24/7 and not get sick of each other.
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Old 09-04-2008, 07:16 PM   #14
footfootfoot
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Since I moved out of my parent's house at 18 I have moved 50 times. Wanderlust, restlessness, greener pastures, poor choices, bright ideas, cute girls. Every move/place had a reason which seemed compelling and natural at the time. Each time I made new friends and acquaintances and many times I found someone like lookout's A. Then the next move would come along and I'd lose track of folks who were just "good time" friends, but I'd stay in touch with the A's over the years.

One of my pals says my life is like a plane wreck; there is debris scattered across states.
Time has a way of polishing things and some of the A's turned out to be B's (play on words) and some became a's or a- and others became AAA.

Things also changed with kids, but the few, real friends either kidless or not haven't changed.

Each one is different. One friend is the kind of guy I could call and say "I'm stuck in EastCornflake and my car won't start." Before I could get any further he's say "Hang tight, find someplace to chill and I'll come get you." Even though I had Triple A, He's that kind of guy. (True, his wife has pulled the reigns in a bit, but still)

I think another thing about friends (and why my MIL hasn't got any and my wife is just learning how to make them) is that you need to let them need you as much as you need to need them. My wife got from her German mom (it may have nothing to do with being German, it may just be that family) this idea that you can never be beholden to anyone for anything. So she'd never ask a friend for a jump or to do her a favor or give her a lift. I realize there is more to friendship than the exchange of favors, but I think part of it is willingness to be available and to allow the other person to reciprocate. She always wants to be the person who helps and never allows the other person a chance to pay back the favor. My wife is beginning to see how that is unfair and can be perceived as a power/control issue by the other party.

I think it is about give and take as well as being of the same mind.
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Old 09-04-2008, 07:31 PM   #15
Clodfobble
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It's amazing how timely this thread is to my life right now. Just this week we had our first experience in "having people over for dinner." I have been trying to figure out how to do this for awhile, this whole making new friends thing, and was really proud that we managed it so well. I mentioned the success to my mom, who responded that she was impressed, because in 16 years of being with my father, they never once had a single person over to the house, nor did they ever go do anything with anyone else. In the next 13 years with my stepfather, they had one set of neighbors across the street that they ate with maybe a dozen times, always at restaurants, and that was it.

I've started coming to the conclusion that, while having your spouse as a best friend is critical, it is also important to have mutual friends that you both enjoy being around. Sharing friends gives you a chance to see a side of their personality/behavior you are otherwise probably never going to see.
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